Here I am again. Read our paper yesterday. Found at the bottom of a page tickets to the next play at the church. I knew it was coming and yet every time, it stabs me in the heart and I want to cry my eyes out. And then I get angry that it still hurts me after almost three years. I talked with DH some more about it. I worry that he'll soon get tired of me bringing up my pain every time there's a play and tell me to get over it like my mom would. I feel guilty that it doesn't go away. How do I explain the deep sadness in my soul - a longing for the fulfillment doing a play once gave me? Hmmm... maybe I should start like this:
I am a creative person. I am artistic - music, writing, drawing - almost to the exclusion of mathmatics. Most people are somewhere between the super mathmatics and the super artistic, whereas they have a touch of both. I am waaaay over on the artistic side and the math side is seriously lacking. Most people can memorize a math theory and muddle their way thru basic algebra problems without understanding how it works. I can't. If it doesn't "make sense" to me, I cannot answer the problem no matter how many ways of getting to the answer I memorize. Geometry is a nightmare. Anything with letters instead of numbers is terrifying. Physics? Forget it. Anyways, I have always excelled at music, acting, writing, drawing. As a young girl, most times, I couldn't distiguish reality from fantasy. My mind was a treasure of imagination and still is. I have a decent voice (I've been told excellent but I hesitate to say it) that I love to use. I've always adored acting in skits and tried to volunteer for any that came my way. There was just something so... magical... about becoming someone or something I'm not and doing it in such a way that people see me as that person. A truly good actor is someone who, during the show, has people thinking of them as whatever character they're playing, not their usual selves. Look at Hollywood actors! The best films have those who play the most believable characters.
Now, all my life, I've been told that there's something wrong with me. That my acting and singing and artistic abilities are silly and useless. They can't make a living for you or support your family (meaning your future husband and children). They are bogus mistakes and that I should try to find a "normal" job and have more common sense than to enjoy doing something so silly. Grow up and move on from "childish" things. I hesitatingly mentioned something about doing musicals or opera as a teen and was soundly rebuffed and laughed at and humiliated for being foolish. "People who get into that kind of thing have been working at it since they were kids, unlike you." Except, I thought that's what singing in a professional children's choir could do for me. And what about all those who break into acting (I don't want to be a hollywood movie star!) as adults and do very well? So. For years, I believed that I was flawed and foolish and my talents were some huge cosmic joke/mistake. I never searched out any theatre groups when I became old enough to not need permission. I never took any chances on learning to use my talents and abilities to their best intent. I ran off and married the first man who looked at me so I could have someone to 'take care of me' since I was, apparently, so unsuited to do so myself. I spent a few years slaving away at clothing stores and restaurants for a pittance. Radio Shack and McDonald's love someone like me who works harder than most other employees cuz they don't have to pay me what I'm worth. I've never made more than $10/hr (once back when I taught piano - something I DID NOT EVER WANT TO DO!! My mother always told me I should teach piano. The gall I had to swallow when I told her that I'd been offered and accepted a job as a piano teacher was sickening for me.) and, even this last time, I was making $8.50/hr - after my huge .10 raise. BTW, minimum wage is $8 here. Pretty difficult to survive paying rent, food, bills for yourself and two kids on that kind of money...
Back to things... When I moved here and joined the church, one of the fellas was trying to start up a drama club. I jumped at the chance. After I did my first skit, people were coming up to me and saying, "Wow! I never knew that you were so talented at acting!" And that was only a skit! We started a play and I was one of the starring characters. We rehearsed for six weeks straight. Almost every day for two hours. I helped build the set. I helped buy the props. I was the first to memorize my lines. I spent hours on that set, just sitting there in the silence of a near empty church, listening to the thoughts in my head. It was the happiest I'd been in many many years. I found a Christian book that talked about artistic gifts being from God and no mistake at all. I knew in my heart that this was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. That, finally, I was doing what I was supposed to be doing all along! Suddenly, I resented that I was a mother, that I'd never had the chance to try to follow my dreams. I resented that I'd had to wait until I was 30 years old to finally understand what my career would have/should have been. I was angry and I felt cheated. I couldn't understand my neediness, my insecurity, my fears of being alone and unable to fend for myself. Where did they come from? How could I not have tried to get into something that I had so loved to do all along? Why had I listened to my mother? I did four plays and many skits over the course of two years and I loved every one of them. I was so absorbed in them when I was a part of them. I was so happy doing them. And so depressed when they were all finished. I could barely wait for the next one to start. The last play, the one where I fell "in love" (obssession) with my male counterpart, I was so depressed at the end of it, I could hardly breathe. I knew that everything was falling apart and I couldn't understand why I was destroying my life again. I couldn't understand my motivation. I was having a difficult time handling my grief and emotional pain. Then when P. tore the rest of my life out of my grasp, I sincerely thought of swimming out into the cold, half frozen lake until I was too far out to get back. The coldness and ugliness inside me would only have helped the hypothermic lake to consume me faster. He took my drama and held it out of reach. He mocked my grief and pain and used it as sermon fodder. He never once tried to understand the motivating factors behind my actions, nor not condemn me. He, who was like my father to me as well as my friend, treated me like I had deliberately turned against HIM, betrayed HIM and that, somehow, I must be enjoying watching the life I'd built crumble around me. I see him now and he tries to command me. I only dig in my heels and back away further. My trust in people has been so damaged, I fear I'll never recover it. I still have pain where my acting has been cut off, just like phantom pain in a phantom limb that has been sheared off of it's trunk. Seeing the reviews in our little paper cuts like a knife on scar tissue, making the wound anew and scarring even more. Last year, when I saw that L's wife was one of the main characters, I felt it like a stab in the heart. I felt like it was a jab at me to show me how she was allowed to take my place as the wounded party (egocentrical, I know). However, I'm pretty sure she and L are back together and she probably treats him even worse than before since he'll have come back with his tail between his legs. Everyone only gets one side of the story and forgets the other or chooses to ignore it. And yet, I am responsible for that too. I can't - won't - tell anyone the deeper side of my issues. How can I when it can be used as a weapon against me? How can I when the people who are supposed to be trustworthy spread it like the Enquirer? How can I when fear of their wicked thoughts and gossiping paralyzes my tongue, effectively freezing it to the roof of my dry mouth? How can I trust anyone?
So I read our town paper and I feel the knife twist in my guts when I find the press on each play and actor. I feel the anger and pain anew when I realize that even if I were attending the church, P would not "allow" me to audition or even be a part of it. There are no other performing arts groups in this town anymore. My "friend's" theatre group out of the church is a non-profit organization that I am on the leading committee for. I signed on all the legal paperwork to be a part of this non-profit organization. In fact, I am the first on all the paperwork after K! K has his own company too. One that he's done a couple of plays for. He asked me to be in the first one, which fell through, but since having the twins, he hasn't contacted me or asked me again. I suspect it's because C, his wife, has a hate-on for me now. Sad, since we used to be friends. K is one of the few who doesn't treat me like an outcast. But to keep the peace with his very strong willed wife, I believe he'll never ask me again.
I have come to the decision that I will act again. I don't know when and I'm not sure how yet, but I will find something in some town close enough to here that I can join and perform in. I still believe that God has given me this talent as a gift and that no man has the right to take away that which God has given. I believe that with the strength and understanding of the motivating factors of my past, I can face a future doing the thing I love without landing in the pitfalls of obssession with another 'broken' abusive man that I can 'fix'. I believe that the more time I spend repairing the damage of emotional abuse, the more power I have over my future. I will succeed!!
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Friday, October 13, 2006
Dryad, Loving Too Much is your primary love story!
The Loving Too Much story stems from your overflowing love and hope. Sometimes, however, it can be muddied by misguided feelings, expectations and sometimes, an unrequited desire. The people you're most attracted to are usually just out of reach and all the more alluring for it — like those early crushes on teen idols. The less available your partner is, emotionally and physically, the more desirable he becomes. You daydream, and your imagination fills in the details that reality hasn't provided. Do you ever seek out indirect contact with this person, visiting his workplace or getting to know his friends? Do you find yourself dreaming about marriage after a second date, or perhaps after a quick affair? The hit film "Fatal Attraction" illustrates an extreme version of the Loving Too Much story — taking it to abnormal levels. What it doesn't fully explore is the capacity for love that you probably possess. People who share your story have plenty to offer, but they tend to put too much love into someone they shouldn't. Some people also interpret their partner's actions as they want to, not necessarily as they were intended. Sometimes this happens because they spend more time focusing on the fantasy of a relationship rather than the reality of one. It is also possible that you assign characteristics of your last love to the person you are dating. Psychologists see people projecting all the time. Projecting feelings about one person onto another. Do you know the person you have developed feelings for, or are you projecting what they might be like because they seem to match what you want in life? Do you fall for anyone in a lab coat because you want to marry a doctor? Do you ignore strong feelings for a long-time friend because he isn't a doctor? The Greeks had Venus and the Romans had Aphrodite. Your archetypal love story has been filling the pages of literature and poetry for centuries, though recently it's been negatively promoted by Hollywood. In film, the extreme form of your story can be found in the stalker of "Play Misty for Me." But let's not forget the classic "Cyrano De Bergerac," whose obsession with a woman is stymied by his fear she'll reject him over the size of his nose. In a more contemporary version of the tale, "The Truth About Cats and Dogs," Janeane Garofalo plays a woman obsessed with a man she's too afraid to court herself. These love stories are powerful precisely because they are shared by so many. Though the settings change, the story remains the same. Loving Too Much is about the things in life that you don't think you can have, then learning to create a more realistic ideal for yourself and your partner. It's about working through the fear of rejection, insecurities, and overwhelming longing to love wholly and completely.
How your love story affects you and your relationships
Absence certainly makes your heart grow fonder — especially when it comes to your love story. Do you embrace romances that are, by necessity, somewhat distant? Do you gravitate towards long-distant relationships or affairs with married people? Do you tend to feel the people you're interested in are always unavailable or out of your league? When you fall, do you fall hard, or do you immediately develop feelings for someone else? When a relationship ends, do you take it personally? And when it comes to crushes, do you find yourself thinking about the person while you're buying a new pair of shoes, doing laundry, drying your hair? Some people also go out of their way to grab their crush's attention. When you're in a relationship, you might go all out: flowers, dinners, gifts and notes. Sometimes these gestures are appreciated; but sometimes they come off as coming on too strong. Your take-charge attitude isn't limited to things of love. You might be assertive in your career, and other relationships as well. You may be overcompensating for an earlier disappointment by overachieving in current realms of your life. If your undivided attention to your partner arises out of wanting someone who's out of reach, you might fill your life with as many cues to that person as possible. Is your closet stuffed with photographs, favorite songs, old emails, and other mementos? Do you repeatedly go over real and imagined scenarios — chance meetings and romantic encounters — in your mind? If the object of your desire is someone who rejected you, these feelings may be even stronger. You imagine that getting back together will magically erase painful feelings of sadness and anger. Regardless of how your past stories have played out, you are capable of finding the right person. Just make sure you're not lying to yourself or to him and let go of past fears of rejection and inadequacy. Your love story has a happy ending after all. An ending that will appreciate just how deeply you give yourself to your relationships.
How to avoid common mistakes
Obsession is a natural thing — it's how we maintain that rush of excitement after first meeting someone. Thoughts about them dominate our brains almost as if we can spend more time with them in our heads even if we can't spend more time with them physically. But if these initial thoughts and fantasies go on for too long, if they become compulsive, you're heading down the wrong path. If you allow thoughts about this potential partner to distract you from your responsibilities or from doing things that you used to like to do, you might want to stop for a moment and question yourself. Have you grown out of your previous hobbies because it was time, or because you are trying to be someone new for this person? That's not always a bad thing, but it is something you should at least ask yourself. Also, find the courage to think about why you are interested in this person in particular. Does he look like someone you once dated — could that be why you overlook some of his less attractive qualities? Does he share a profession or background common to someone you wish you were still with? If so, challenge yourself and the possibility that you are projecting past feelings onto a current relationship. Even if you are, you can redirect your attention and learn to focus more on getting to know this man. You may even surprise yourself and discover that his unique qualities are a better match for you than any you could have dreamed up on your own.
How to recognize someone who's healthy for you
The difference between a healthy relationship and past ones is the feelings are mutual. No more heart-wrenching breakups followed by long, slow recovery periods for you! With patience and devotion, you'll land a great catch. You'll feel good about yourself, confident that the relationship is strong. And what a relief that your significant other will feel the same way. If the roots of your complete focus on your partner lie in insecurity, then a healthy relationship will only be with someone who adores you for who you are and makes you feel great about yourself. Although a long-distance relationship might work out for you, in general you'll get more fulfillment in the long run out of a person who's more available. As with all love stories, yours is just a story — though one that affects you deeply. You can find ways to use your drive in positive ways, pushing you to improve yourself or make the most of a happy relationship. Knowing your story and its roots in your psychology and life experiences, you also have the power to move beyond it, letting go of those huge crushes once and for all and finding yourself a love that will indeed endure the test of time.
From: http://web.tickle.com/tests/lovestory/paidresult.jsp
The Loving Too Much story stems from your overflowing love and hope. Sometimes, however, it can be muddied by misguided feelings, expectations and sometimes, an unrequited desire. The people you're most attracted to are usually just out of reach and all the more alluring for it — like those early crushes on teen idols. The less available your partner is, emotionally and physically, the more desirable he becomes. You daydream, and your imagination fills in the details that reality hasn't provided. Do you ever seek out indirect contact with this person, visiting his workplace or getting to know his friends? Do you find yourself dreaming about marriage after a second date, or perhaps after a quick affair? The hit film "Fatal Attraction" illustrates an extreme version of the Loving Too Much story — taking it to abnormal levels. What it doesn't fully explore is the capacity for love that you probably possess. People who share your story have plenty to offer, but they tend to put too much love into someone they shouldn't. Some people also interpret their partner's actions as they want to, not necessarily as they were intended. Sometimes this happens because they spend more time focusing on the fantasy of a relationship rather than the reality of one. It is also possible that you assign characteristics of your last love to the person you are dating. Psychologists see people projecting all the time. Projecting feelings about one person onto another. Do you know the person you have developed feelings for, or are you projecting what they might be like because they seem to match what you want in life? Do you fall for anyone in a lab coat because you want to marry a doctor? Do you ignore strong feelings for a long-time friend because he isn't a doctor? The Greeks had Venus and the Romans had Aphrodite. Your archetypal love story has been filling the pages of literature and poetry for centuries, though recently it's been negatively promoted by Hollywood. In film, the extreme form of your story can be found in the stalker of "Play Misty for Me." But let's not forget the classic "Cyrano De Bergerac," whose obsession with a woman is stymied by his fear she'll reject him over the size of his nose. In a more contemporary version of the tale, "The Truth About Cats and Dogs," Janeane Garofalo plays a woman obsessed with a man she's too afraid to court herself. These love stories are powerful precisely because they are shared by so many. Though the settings change, the story remains the same. Loving Too Much is about the things in life that you don't think you can have, then learning to create a more realistic ideal for yourself and your partner. It's about working through the fear of rejection, insecurities, and overwhelming longing to love wholly and completely.
How your love story affects you and your relationships
Absence certainly makes your heart grow fonder — especially when it comes to your love story. Do you embrace romances that are, by necessity, somewhat distant? Do you gravitate towards long-distant relationships or affairs with married people? Do you tend to feel the people you're interested in are always unavailable or out of your league? When you fall, do you fall hard, or do you immediately develop feelings for someone else? When a relationship ends, do you take it personally? And when it comes to crushes, do you find yourself thinking about the person while you're buying a new pair of shoes, doing laundry, drying your hair? Some people also go out of their way to grab their crush's attention. When you're in a relationship, you might go all out: flowers, dinners, gifts and notes. Sometimes these gestures are appreciated; but sometimes they come off as coming on too strong. Your take-charge attitude isn't limited to things of love. You might be assertive in your career, and other relationships as well. You may be overcompensating for an earlier disappointment by overachieving in current realms of your life. If your undivided attention to your partner arises out of wanting someone who's out of reach, you might fill your life with as many cues to that person as possible. Is your closet stuffed with photographs, favorite songs, old emails, and other mementos? Do you repeatedly go over real and imagined scenarios — chance meetings and romantic encounters — in your mind? If the object of your desire is someone who rejected you, these feelings may be even stronger. You imagine that getting back together will magically erase painful feelings of sadness and anger. Regardless of how your past stories have played out, you are capable of finding the right person. Just make sure you're not lying to yourself or to him and let go of past fears of rejection and inadequacy. Your love story has a happy ending after all. An ending that will appreciate just how deeply you give yourself to your relationships.
How to avoid common mistakes
Obsession is a natural thing — it's how we maintain that rush of excitement after first meeting someone. Thoughts about them dominate our brains almost as if we can spend more time with them in our heads even if we can't spend more time with them physically. But if these initial thoughts and fantasies go on for too long, if they become compulsive, you're heading down the wrong path. If you allow thoughts about this potential partner to distract you from your responsibilities or from doing things that you used to like to do, you might want to stop for a moment and question yourself. Have you grown out of your previous hobbies because it was time, or because you are trying to be someone new for this person? That's not always a bad thing, but it is something you should at least ask yourself. Also, find the courage to think about why you are interested in this person in particular. Does he look like someone you once dated — could that be why you overlook some of his less attractive qualities? Does he share a profession or background common to someone you wish you were still with? If so, challenge yourself and the possibility that you are projecting past feelings onto a current relationship. Even if you are, you can redirect your attention and learn to focus more on getting to know this man. You may even surprise yourself and discover that his unique qualities are a better match for you than any you could have dreamed up on your own.
How to recognize someone who's healthy for you
The difference between a healthy relationship and past ones is the feelings are mutual. No more heart-wrenching breakups followed by long, slow recovery periods for you! With patience and devotion, you'll land a great catch. You'll feel good about yourself, confident that the relationship is strong. And what a relief that your significant other will feel the same way. If the roots of your complete focus on your partner lie in insecurity, then a healthy relationship will only be with someone who adores you for who you are and makes you feel great about yourself. Although a long-distance relationship might work out for you, in general you'll get more fulfillment in the long run out of a person who's more available. As with all love stories, yours is just a story — though one that affects you deeply. You can find ways to use your drive in positive ways, pushing you to improve yourself or make the most of a happy relationship. Knowing your story and its roots in your psychology and life experiences, you also have the power to move beyond it, letting go of those huge crushes once and for all and finding yourself a love that will indeed endure the test of time.
From: http://web.tickle.com/tests/lovestory/paidresult.jsp
Dryad, your holiday theme song is White Christmas
Looks like you might be the sentimentalist in the crowd. You, more than others, revel in the nostalgia of the season. Some may think it's a little bit sappy, but you can't help it if you feel all gushy at the first sight of snow, the scent of evergreens, or the first airing of It's a Wonderful Life.
You're one who picks up on traditions, and you probably like to pass them on, as well. That ornament over there, we bet it has a good story attached to it. Truth is, Santa himself probably couldn't spread as much Christmas spirit as you're capable of. While others are mired in materialism, you keep the holiday's true meaning closer to your heart. So keep on dreaming of a white Christmas with every Christmas card you write. May your days be merry and bright. And may all your Christmases be white.
***What's your secret power?***
YOU'RE A VISIONARY
Secret Strength: intuition. Words to describe you: idealistic, sensitive, articulate, empathetic. Power profile: You're the ultimate people person. With your excellent listening skills, you "hear" what people aren't saying as well as what they are saying. (Psst! Your gut tells you!) You see right through someone who's putting on a happy face when they're dying inside, and you know just how to get them to open up about it and work through it. Because you divide your energy among lots of people (you've got tons of friends), you sometimes end up putting your own goals on the back burner. Still, when you do dream, you dream big because you not only see what is, but what could be and what should be. It's a rare skill to have! How to work it: How many times have you ignored your instincts and listened to someone else's advice? And how many times have you thought, "I should've gone with my gut!"? Let that be your mantra, girlfriend. Use that amazing intuition to let your own personal truth lead you to your success. The next time you've got some life dilemma and friends give you their input, go spend some time alone to reconnect with yourself. Write down everyone else's thoughts so you have them (after all, their advice doesn't always suck). Then pretend a friend came to you with this same problem. What would you tell her? That first reaction is what you should follow-even if you have to go against the grain. Whether you want to start your own magazine, direct a film, or do anything that makes someone ask,"How are you ever going to do that?" just know you'll find a way. People in high places will be impressed with your faith in yourself and put a nice paycheck behind it! Dream Jobs: Activist, kindergarten teacher, psychologist, songwriter, defense lawyer, editor-in-chief, public relations executive, sports recruiter, theater director, talent agent, foreign ambassador, fashion photographer.
What's your secret power?http://quiz.ivillage.com/cosmogirl/tests/April2005-SecretPower.htm
YOU'RE A VISIONARY
Secret Strength: intuition. Words to describe you: idealistic, sensitive, articulate, empathetic. Power profile: You're the ultimate people person. With your excellent listening skills, you "hear" what people aren't saying as well as what they are saying. (Psst! Your gut tells you!) You see right through someone who's putting on a happy face when they're dying inside, and you know just how to get them to open up about it and work through it. Because you divide your energy among lots of people (you've got tons of friends), you sometimes end up putting your own goals on the back burner. Still, when you do dream, you dream big because you not only see what is, but what could be and what should be. It's a rare skill to have! How to work it: How many times have you ignored your instincts and listened to someone else's advice? And how many times have you thought, "I should've gone with my gut!"? Let that be your mantra, girlfriend. Use that amazing intuition to let your own personal truth lead you to your success. The next time you've got some life dilemma and friends give you their input, go spend some time alone to reconnect with yourself. Write down everyone else's thoughts so you have them (after all, their advice doesn't always suck). Then pretend a friend came to you with this same problem. What would you tell her? That first reaction is what you should follow-even if you have to go against the grain. Whether you want to start your own magazine, direct a film, or do anything that makes someone ask,"How are you ever going to do that?" just know you'll find a way. People in high places will be impressed with your faith in yourself and put a nice paycheck behind it! Dream Jobs: Activist, kindergarten teacher, psychologist, songwriter, defense lawyer, editor-in-chief, public relations executive, sports recruiter, theater director, talent agent, foreign ambassador, fashion photographer.
What's your secret power?http://quiz.ivillage.com/cosmogirl/tests/April2005-SecretPower.htm
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Hmmmm...
When I awoke to the sound of screaming last night, I ended up not being able to get myself back to sleep easily. First, I was worried a bit about the Comet that the babies had gotten into on Monday and the burn it left on Katie's bottom. Thought it might have been hurting her or something. She seemed fine after I gave her some mouth medicine so perhaps it was just teething pain. Then, of course, Leith woke up cuz he can't sleep through her yelling in the same room. Gave him a top up too and put them back to bed. Went back to bed and just lay there thinking and wondering and remembering. Then came up a thought from the past that I have wondered about before...
You know how you can pretty much recall most people you've dated? Especially, when you're young, around the time when you first started dating? I can count 11 people I have dated in my entire life so far and four of them were serious relationships (marriage/engagement/common-law). My first kiss was on a train on a trip across Canada. I was 16. It was a two day relationship. Then I agreed to go out with a gr. 12 guy when I started in gr. 11 purely cuz I was thrilled that someone was interested in me. I was a dorky kid that not many people liked, so having someone attracted to me was the motivating factor for becoming his girlfriend. I ended up breaking up with him (I didn't even really like him as a person, let alone a boyfriend!) after two weeks because he continually tried to pressure me into having sex. I wasn't ready and I certainly wasn't gonna "do it" with a guy I didn't even like!! Then I started going out with a guy I consider my first boyfriend. It lasted three months the first time, three months the second time a year later, and even though I still held a torch for him, I wouldn't start going out with him a third time when he asked. Just out of high school there was a young guy who also didn't understand the meaning of "no". He lasted about five minutes. After college I started going out with my best friend of eight years. We were secrectly engaged and I lost my virginity to him. We broke up after a year and a half. For years, I thought that these were all the guys I'd dated at that time of my life (between 16 and 20). Then one day, I woke up with a memory of a guy with red hair taking me on a date. I dug deep for the memory and wondered why it was so hard. Then it came.
When I was 14, I started going to the college weekend where I was going to attend after high school. I had a family friend who was attending and me and my best girl friend stayed with her on Campus Weekends for two of four years. The first year we stayed, we took an extra day to stay and went to watch the college guys play hockey. While we were there, some weird red-headed guy I'd never met or even seen, started chasing me around and tickling me. I think he must have been about 23/24. It made me feel strange. Sort of thrilled that this man was teasing me and tickling me - flirting with me! - and yet, something was sorta scary too. I didn't know him. I wasn't even close to his age. He knew more about me the next time I saw him - about a year later. He was friendly and flirty and teasing again. Then when I met him at 17, he somehow got my phone number and asked my parents if he could take me on a date. Because he was a 'christian' and going to a Christian college, my parents seemed to think that it would be okay for him to date me. I remember driving in his car, way through downtown and out the other side and up Mount Seymour. It was a good hour to two hour drive there and then again back. I only remember stoplights and sitting in his truck(?). Then I remember being at a lookout spot. He picked me up and set me on the railing and then he kissed me. I remember the lights of the city waaaay below. I remember the balmy air. I remember he tasted smoky. I remember the feel of his (shudder) mustache scraping my skin. I remember nothing after that. But why can't I remember anything else? More than that, why couldn't I remember this date AT ALL until years later? I can remember -not necessarily the details - of the other guys, no problem. So why this block? Most of the time, I don't think about it. Then sometimes it surfaces and I start wondering again. I guess last night was the night to recall what little I can remember. It reminds me of the weird things I remember from my first rape. Feelings and snapshot pictures in my mind. Certain smells and sounds. Or lack thereof. I don't remember other dates or guys like that. It's kinda creepy. Perhaps I just don't want to remember.
Things that make you go "hmmmm..."
You know how you can pretty much recall most people you've dated? Especially, when you're young, around the time when you first started dating? I can count 11 people I have dated in my entire life so far and four of them were serious relationships (marriage/engagement/common-law). My first kiss was on a train on a trip across Canada. I was 16. It was a two day relationship. Then I agreed to go out with a gr. 12 guy when I started in gr. 11 purely cuz I was thrilled that someone was interested in me. I was a dorky kid that not many people liked, so having someone attracted to me was the motivating factor for becoming his girlfriend. I ended up breaking up with him (I didn't even really like him as a person, let alone a boyfriend!) after two weeks because he continually tried to pressure me into having sex. I wasn't ready and I certainly wasn't gonna "do it" with a guy I didn't even like!! Then I started going out with a guy I consider my first boyfriend. It lasted three months the first time, three months the second time a year later, and even though I still held a torch for him, I wouldn't start going out with him a third time when he asked. Just out of high school there was a young guy who also didn't understand the meaning of "no". He lasted about five minutes. After college I started going out with my best friend of eight years. We were secrectly engaged and I lost my virginity to him. We broke up after a year and a half. For years, I thought that these were all the guys I'd dated at that time of my life (between 16 and 20). Then one day, I woke up with a memory of a guy with red hair taking me on a date. I dug deep for the memory and wondered why it was so hard. Then it came.
When I was 14, I started going to the college weekend where I was going to attend after high school. I had a family friend who was attending and me and my best girl friend stayed with her on Campus Weekends for two of four years. The first year we stayed, we took an extra day to stay and went to watch the college guys play hockey. While we were there, some weird red-headed guy I'd never met or even seen, started chasing me around and tickling me. I think he must have been about 23/24. It made me feel strange. Sort of thrilled that this man was teasing me and tickling me - flirting with me! - and yet, something was sorta scary too. I didn't know him. I wasn't even close to his age. He knew more about me the next time I saw him - about a year later. He was friendly and flirty and teasing again. Then when I met him at 17, he somehow got my phone number and asked my parents if he could take me on a date. Because he was a 'christian' and going to a Christian college, my parents seemed to think that it would be okay for him to date me. I remember driving in his car, way through downtown and out the other side and up Mount Seymour. It was a good hour to two hour drive there and then again back. I only remember stoplights and sitting in his truck(?). Then I remember being at a lookout spot. He picked me up and set me on the railing and then he kissed me. I remember the lights of the city waaaay below. I remember the balmy air. I remember he tasted smoky. I remember the feel of his (shudder) mustache scraping my skin. I remember nothing after that. But why can't I remember anything else? More than that, why couldn't I remember this date AT ALL until years later? I can remember -not necessarily the details - of the other guys, no problem. So why this block? Most of the time, I don't think about it. Then sometimes it surfaces and I start wondering again. I guess last night was the night to recall what little I can remember. It reminds me of the weird things I remember from my first rape. Feelings and snapshot pictures in my mind. Certain smells and sounds. Or lack thereof. I don't remember other dates or guys like that. It's kinda creepy. Perhaps I just don't want to remember.
Things that make you go "hmmmm..."
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Complaining Again... :(
Here I am, complaining again. Told ya this was gonna be a place to bitch...
I'm hovering in a limbo of waiting. We've been stalled at the bank for two weeks now. Everything was supposed to be "done" yesterday and someone was supposed to have gotten ahold of us by now. Or not. We should know that a bank doesn't phone you when they have to give you money... only when they want it. DH was supposed to have phoned them before but either keeps forgetting or it gets put off til way too late. This is exactly why I said that he needed to do all this before he left the second time for Ontario. I'm frustrated enough that I'd do it myself. Problem? Yah, they won't talk to me. This isn't able have anything to do with me cuz of my screwed up credit rating from J. I can't even have a joint account with the ability to say yea or nay on something to do with the house because if J ends up getting sued and I get dragged into that or I file for bankruptcy or whatever, it can't affect DH's rating or accounts or the house. So here I sit. We can't get a building permit without the architectual plans. We can't get the architectual plans until we get money from the bank. I can't even hire a friggin' contractor to get us started without the damn building permit. I can see the north wind whipping the dead leaves from the trees. The tree in front of the house is increasingly bare. Fall is most definately here. Even though DH says the Farmer's Almanac is calling for a mild winter like we had last year, I am predicting a heavier one to make up for last year. My achy joints tell me so. I feel how cold the nights are becoming. I see the change of the wind and the feel of the air. I can feel the depth of chill in the grass when I step outside in bare feet to look at the dying plants in the yard. It is barely 10 degrees outside not counting the wind. I want to DO something - like continue designing the new rooms or get ready to start building the 1/4 bathroom - but then I feel like, what's the point? What's the point of wasting all that time when the bank may make it so that things can't be built until next year. If the bank denies the loan, we'll have to move anyways and again that won't happen until next year. Maybe I wouldn't be so annoyed if I hadn't kept saying that this was going to be the case if we didn't get things started sooner than later. How long is it gonna take to draw the architectual plans up? A week? Two weeks? Then when we finally get them and send them in to get our building plan, that takes another two weeks. Then we have to wait til someone can dig and pour the basement which is gonna take who knows how long cuz they're so busy. Even if it only takes two weeks (which I highly doubt) to get the digger/concrete out, it's still late late late to be starting. In two weeks, it will be October. In two after that it will be the middle of October. Two weeks after that, it will be November. If I am right and the almanac is wrong, we will be too late to start digging and pouring until next spring. And who's to say that because we need even more money than we originally asked for, it's not gonna take the bank another week besides to okay it??? I told DH that he should call the bank before they finished and let us know about this money coming but he wanted to wait until they let us know this stuff first. I cannot explain why I feel that it is/was the wrong decision but somewhere in my gut, I just have a feeling. I guess we'll see if I can trust the old gut still or not.
Needless to say, I am seriously frustrated. Almost to the point of angry today. DH said he'd let me know for sure one way or the other by 10AM this morning. So far, not even an email about it, which means either he's been too busy to call them (most likely) or he's been busy and forgot to phone them. I think I'm angry cuz I feel that it should have been done last week as soon as we figured that we were going to need more than we asked for. But most of it is because I am helpless to change it by just doing it myself. It would have been worse if I had just hung around waiting for DH to deal with the contractor too. But then again, it all comes back to having the money to do A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. I feel locked inside this house, dreading a winter where I have two toddlers running apeshit around the upstairs in the house cuz there's nowhere in this town that I can take them to play that has more room. Dairy Queen has a play place but they have to be 3 years old to play in it. The V&B has shut down for good now and so there is nothing indoors for them at all. I have NOWHERE to go and NOTHING to do with them. And now, it feels like, I won't even have a rec room for them to run freely around in. Instead, I have to live with constant mess and activity and craziness in my living room. And Squishy waking up Katie in the middle of the night or vice versa. No training them to beds cuz there's no room. Piles everywhere cuz there's no room left in the house. The living room/dining room is already overcrowded cuz there's nowhere to put the extra shelves and cupboards to hold six people's stuff. And winter to look forward to stuffed alone with small children in a too small house. I may end up going crazy after all...
I'm hovering in a limbo of waiting. We've been stalled at the bank for two weeks now. Everything was supposed to be "done" yesterday and someone was supposed to have gotten ahold of us by now. Or not. We should know that a bank doesn't phone you when they have to give you money... only when they want it. DH was supposed to have phoned them before but either keeps forgetting or it gets put off til way too late. This is exactly why I said that he needed to do all this before he left the second time for Ontario. I'm frustrated enough that I'd do it myself. Problem? Yah, they won't talk to me. This isn't able have anything to do with me cuz of my screwed up credit rating from J. I can't even have a joint account with the ability to say yea or nay on something to do with the house because if J ends up getting sued and I get dragged into that or I file for bankruptcy or whatever, it can't affect DH's rating or accounts or the house. So here I sit. We can't get a building permit without the architectual plans. We can't get the architectual plans until we get money from the bank. I can't even hire a friggin' contractor to get us started without the damn building permit. I can see the north wind whipping the dead leaves from the trees. The tree in front of the house is increasingly bare. Fall is most definately here. Even though DH says the Farmer's Almanac is calling for a mild winter like we had last year, I am predicting a heavier one to make up for last year. My achy joints tell me so. I feel how cold the nights are becoming. I see the change of the wind and the feel of the air. I can feel the depth of chill in the grass when I step outside in bare feet to look at the dying plants in the yard. It is barely 10 degrees outside not counting the wind. I want to DO something - like continue designing the new rooms or get ready to start building the 1/4 bathroom - but then I feel like, what's the point? What's the point of wasting all that time when the bank may make it so that things can't be built until next year. If the bank denies the loan, we'll have to move anyways and again that won't happen until next year. Maybe I wouldn't be so annoyed if I hadn't kept saying that this was going to be the case if we didn't get things started sooner than later. How long is it gonna take to draw the architectual plans up? A week? Two weeks? Then when we finally get them and send them in to get our building plan, that takes another two weeks. Then we have to wait til someone can dig and pour the basement which is gonna take who knows how long cuz they're so busy. Even if it only takes two weeks (which I highly doubt) to get the digger/concrete out, it's still late late late to be starting. In two weeks, it will be October. In two after that it will be the middle of October. Two weeks after that, it will be November. If I am right and the almanac is wrong, we will be too late to start digging and pouring until next spring. And who's to say that because we need even more money than we originally asked for, it's not gonna take the bank another week besides to okay it??? I told DH that he should call the bank before they finished and let us know about this money coming but he wanted to wait until they let us know this stuff first. I cannot explain why I feel that it is/was the wrong decision but somewhere in my gut, I just have a feeling. I guess we'll see if I can trust the old gut still or not.
Needless to say, I am seriously frustrated. Almost to the point of angry today. DH said he'd let me know for sure one way or the other by 10AM this morning. So far, not even an email about it, which means either he's been too busy to call them (most likely) or he's been busy and forgot to phone them. I think I'm angry cuz I feel that it should have been done last week as soon as we figured that we were going to need more than we asked for. But most of it is because I am helpless to change it by just doing it myself. It would have been worse if I had just hung around waiting for DH to deal with the contractor too. But then again, it all comes back to having the money to do A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. I feel locked inside this house, dreading a winter where I have two toddlers running apeshit around the upstairs in the house cuz there's nowhere in this town that I can take them to play that has more room. Dairy Queen has a play place but they have to be 3 years old to play in it. The V&B has shut down for good now and so there is nothing indoors for them at all. I have NOWHERE to go and NOTHING to do with them. And now, it feels like, I won't even have a rec room for them to run freely around in. Instead, I have to live with constant mess and activity and craziness in my living room. And Squishy waking up Katie in the middle of the night or vice versa. No training them to beds cuz there's no room. Piles everywhere cuz there's no room left in the house. The living room/dining room is already overcrowded cuz there's nowhere to put the extra shelves and cupboards to hold six people's stuff. And winter to look forward to stuffed alone with small children in a too small house. I may end up going crazy after all...
Friday, September 08, 2006
Disappointed
And here I thought things were going so smoothly for once.... Here's my quick version already written in my other journal:
ARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! This is driving me nuts! Every time I think we've got our ducks lined up, someone shoots one off the lake!! DH stopped in at city hall yesterday and it's gonna cost us $3600 for the BUILDING PERMIT! Er... HELLO?! I must be really new to this cuz how the hell do you justify charging $6 per sq. foot???? OI!!! And the contractor that called yesterday was estimating over the phone that he thought that it was going to end up costing $70,000 to build the addition. And that it could be interesting trying to hire a digger/concrete guy cuz everyone is so busy. He also can't start until October some time. SIGH. This is getting so frustrating and worse... expensive!!! If it keeps going this way, we may end up just saying to heck with it and buying a new house instead. At the rate things are going (again), we may end up having nothing of either way done until next year. Which sucks since I was really hoping for some more space and the babies to have separate rooms so they can learn to sleep in beds instead of cribs (no room for beds in their room!) and a rec room for the kids to play in during winter. Even if we go back to deciding to buy a new house, there's nothing available to buy that's big enough right now. Wrong time of year. Everyone gets posted in the Spring so all the houses are on sale then. BOOOOOooooooo... And we have to come up with all these plans/dimensions/drawings/pics for the city to look at before they agree to a building permit. Ummmm... didn't we already get approved with the other thing we had to pay and wait for? And if they decide they don't like our plans, why did we have to bother with the other thing? And what business is what my house looks like inside is it of theirs???? I beginning to think I'd just like to put the blankets over my head and just let someone tell me what we're doing when everyone else finishes the bullsh*t. Jeez, got any more hoops for me to do loop-de-loops thru? It's like insurance companies and used car salesmen. I hate hate HATE when I feel like I'm being played for the most money possible. Especially when I feel the money I'm paying in isn't being used for anything but lining their pockets and paying for their fancy cars and vacations.
I don't understand the politics, nor do I have the patience for this kind of nonsense. I've cut 'friends' out who play these mental games. Now I have to deal with moronic businesses and companies who are going to play similar mental games only with money involved too? Am I doomed to be surrounded by the corrupt forever???? No wonder I hate polititions and financial institutions and insurance companies and car salesmen. How can one think it's okay to bilk someone out of money for their own advancement or gain? Haven't they ever been on the recieving end of it? Don't they feel guilty? I know that I'm not the only sucker on the planet but it doesn't make me feel any better. I hate getting my hopes up and my excitement up only to have it dashed and destroyed. It takes so much for me to allow myself to hope and dream. I've been hurt and disappointed too many times before. I was really starting to believe that things would come together and that I'd have the freedom to create a really nice space for us. I think for my own sanity and preservation, I'd better cut that short. I'd better save it for when things are finalized. Dreaming has no place in reality.
ARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! This is driving me nuts! Every time I think we've got our ducks lined up, someone shoots one off the lake!! DH stopped in at city hall yesterday and it's gonna cost us $3600 for the BUILDING PERMIT! Er... HELLO?! I must be really new to this cuz how the hell do you justify charging $6 per sq. foot???? OI!!! And the contractor that called yesterday was estimating over the phone that he thought that it was going to end up costing $70,000 to build the addition. And that it could be interesting trying to hire a digger/concrete guy cuz everyone is so busy. He also can't start until October some time. SIGH. This is getting so frustrating and worse... expensive!!! If it keeps going this way, we may end up just saying to heck with it and buying a new house instead. At the rate things are going (again), we may end up having nothing of either way done until next year. Which sucks since I was really hoping for some more space and the babies to have separate rooms so they can learn to sleep in beds instead of cribs (no room for beds in their room!) and a rec room for the kids to play in during winter. Even if we go back to deciding to buy a new house, there's nothing available to buy that's big enough right now. Wrong time of year. Everyone gets posted in the Spring so all the houses are on sale then. BOOOOOooooooo... And we have to come up with all these plans/dimensions/drawings/pics for the city to look at before they agree to a building permit. Ummmm... didn't we already get approved with the other thing we had to pay and wait for? And if they decide they don't like our plans, why did we have to bother with the other thing? And what business is what my house looks like inside is it of theirs???? I beginning to think I'd just like to put the blankets over my head and just let someone tell me what we're doing when everyone else finishes the bullsh*t. Jeez, got any more hoops for me to do loop-de-loops thru? It's like insurance companies and used car salesmen. I hate hate HATE when I feel like I'm being played for the most money possible. Especially when I feel the money I'm paying in isn't being used for anything but lining their pockets and paying for their fancy cars and vacations.
I don't understand the politics, nor do I have the patience for this kind of nonsense. I've cut 'friends' out who play these mental games. Now I have to deal with moronic businesses and companies who are going to play similar mental games only with money involved too? Am I doomed to be surrounded by the corrupt forever???? No wonder I hate polititions and financial institutions and insurance companies and car salesmen. How can one think it's okay to bilk someone out of money for their own advancement or gain? Haven't they ever been on the recieving end of it? Don't they feel guilty? I know that I'm not the only sucker on the planet but it doesn't make me feel any better. I hate getting my hopes up and my excitement up only to have it dashed and destroyed. It takes so much for me to allow myself to hope and dream. I've been hurt and disappointed too many times before. I was really starting to believe that things would come together and that I'd have the freedom to create a really nice space for us. I think for my own sanity and preservation, I'd better cut that short. I'd better save it for when things are finalized. Dreaming has no place in reality.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name: Purrrkitten
Birthday: 30/05/71
Birthplace: BC
Current Location: AB
Eye Color: green
Hair Color: currently, a kind of reddish brown
Height: 5'2 3/4"
Right Handed or Left Handed: right
Your Heritage: English and Scottish
The Shoes You Wore Today: none so far!! :)
Your Weakness: abusive men who give me sob stories
Your Fears: not being strong enough to stand up for myself
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: To get our house added on to and pay off this stupid debt hanging over my head!!
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: lk;ajsdf;ahsdfkjhlkjsh<--that's falling on my keyboard laughing...
Thoughts First Waking Up: mmmm... I don't think that early...
Your Best Physical Feature: eyes
Your Bedtime: usually between 11.30 and 1 AM
Your Most Missed Memory: ehehehehhe... if it's missing, how will I remember it??? my.. er... innocence... as it were
Pepsi or Coke: homemade diet vanilla coke
MacDonalds or Burger King: Mickie D's!
Single or Group Dates: doesn't matter as long as it's fun!
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: whichever one doesn't taste like real tea
Chocolate or Vanilla: vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee: UGH! I hate coffee of all kinds (chocolate included!!!)
Do you Smoke: tried it for a summer in gr 9 - never inhaled
Do you Swear: when I'm angry
Do you Sing: do I ever stop???
Do you Shower Daily: Yes
Have you Been in Love: obssessed, in a love sorta way. I'm learning what love is really supposed to be like.
Do you want to get Married: maybe again someday when I feel I'm ready to handle the mind set that tends to come with the word "wife"
Do you belive in yourself: I do now!!! And my belief gets stronger every day!
Do you get Motion Sickness: No
Do you think you are Attractive: Well, I'm no hollywood beauty but I have some attractive bits... ;)
Are you a Health Freak: Not even close, BUD!
Do you get along with your Parents: Now that all depends. On the surface, yes, I suppose. Below on deeper issues, definately not.
Do you like Thunderstorms: Yes
Do you play an Instrument: Piano, guitar
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Yes
In the past month have you Smoked: Nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date: Yep, we try to when we can!
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Yes
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: Ewwwwwwwwwww... NO!!
In the past month have you been on Stage: No :(
In the past month have you been Dumped: No
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Maybe Darren's heart... ehehhehehe
Ever been Drunk: Once or twice
Ever been Beaten up: Pushed around a few times. Punched a couple of people, mostly in defense of others
Ever Shoplifted: stole library books as a kid
How do you want to Die: peacefully
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: awww... do I have to grow up?? An actress and a mom... :)
What country would you most like to Visit: South America or Scotland
Number of CDs I own: like I could count them all!!!!!
Number of Piercings: 5
Number of Tattoos: 4
Number of things in my Past I Regret: nothing. I've learned from everything I've had happen to me. I'm the person I am today from my experiences. And I'm getting better! I'm learning from the past and changing my future with the knowledge I've gained.
Thanks, Urban Fox! I love these things!!! :)
Birthday: 30/05/71
Birthplace: BC
Current Location: AB
Eye Color: green
Hair Color: currently, a kind of reddish brown
Height: 5'2 3/4"
Right Handed or Left Handed: right
Your Heritage: English and Scottish
The Shoes You Wore Today: none so far!! :)
Your Weakness: abusive men who give me sob stories
Your Fears: not being strong enough to stand up for myself
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: To get our house added on to and pay off this stupid debt hanging over my head!!
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: lk;ajsdf;ahsdfkjhlkjsh<--that's falling on my keyboard laughing...
Thoughts First Waking Up: mmmm... I don't think that early...
Your Best Physical Feature: eyes
Your Bedtime: usually between 11.30 and 1 AM
Your Most Missed Memory: ehehehehhe... if it's missing, how will I remember it??? my.. er... innocence... as it were
Pepsi or Coke: homemade diet vanilla coke
MacDonalds or Burger King: Mickie D's!
Single or Group Dates: doesn't matter as long as it's fun!
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: whichever one doesn't taste like real tea
Chocolate or Vanilla: vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee: UGH! I hate coffee of all kinds (chocolate included!!!)
Do you Smoke: tried it for a summer in gr 9 - never inhaled
Do you Swear: when I'm angry
Do you Sing: do I ever stop???
Do you Shower Daily: Yes
Have you Been in Love: obssessed, in a love sorta way. I'm learning what love is really supposed to be like.
Do you want to get Married: maybe again someday when I feel I'm ready to handle the mind set that tends to come with the word "wife"
Do you belive in yourself: I do now!!! And my belief gets stronger every day!
Do you get Motion Sickness: No
Do you think you are Attractive: Well, I'm no hollywood beauty but I have some attractive bits... ;)
Are you a Health Freak: Not even close, BUD!
Do you get along with your Parents: Now that all depends. On the surface, yes, I suppose. Below on deeper issues, definately not.
Do you like Thunderstorms: Yes
Do you play an Instrument: Piano, guitar
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Yes
In the past month have you Smoked: Nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date: Yep, we try to when we can!
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Yes
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: Ewwwwwwwwwww... NO!!
In the past month have you been on Stage: No :(
In the past month have you been Dumped: No
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Maybe Darren's heart... ehehhehehe
Ever been Drunk: Once or twice
Ever been Beaten up: Pushed around a few times. Punched a couple of people, mostly in defense of others
Ever Shoplifted: stole library books as a kid
How do you want to Die: peacefully
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: awww... do I have to grow up?? An actress and a mom... :)
What country would you most like to Visit: South America or Scotland
Number of CDs I own: like I could count them all!!!!!
Number of Piercings: 5
Number of Tattoos: 4
Number of things in my Past I Regret: nothing. I've learned from everything I've had happen to me. I'm the person I am today from my experiences. And I'm getting better! I'm learning from the past and changing my future with the knowledge I've gained.
Thanks, Urban Fox! I love these things!!! :)
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
More Stuff To Glean What I'm Like...
| You Are Rain |
 You are best known for: your touch Your dominant state: changing |
What Type of Weather Are You?
And I LOVE rain!
| You Are Likely a Third Born |
 At work and school, you do best when you're comparing things. When you love someone, you tend to like to please them. In friendship, you are loyal to one person. Your ideal careers are: sales, police officer, newspaper reporter, inventor, poet, and animal trainer. You will leave your mark on the world with inventions, poetry, and inspiration. |
The Birth Order Predictor
I knew they'd get this wrong! The description is right but I'm the eldest child of three.
| Your Power Color Is Teal |
 You feel accomplished and optimistic about the future. At Your Lowest: You feel in a slump and lack creativity. In Love: You tend to be many people's ideal partner. How You're Attractive: You make people feel confident and accepted. Your Eternal Question: "What Impression Am I Giving?" |
Too true... :)
A Couple of Blog Quizes
| You Are a Mermaid |
 You are a total daydreamer, and people tend to think you're flakier than you actually are. While your head is often in the clouds, you'll always come back to earth to help someone in need. Beyond being a caring person, you are also very intelligent and rational. You understand the connections of the universe better than almost anyone else. |
That's funny! One of my old "persona's" was a mermaid and I've always had a fascination with mermaids. Fav. fairy tale? The Little Mermaid!!
| Your EQ is 140 |
 50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick! 51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese. 71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely. 91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that. 111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt. 131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin. 150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar. |
This, too, isn't surprising. Any EQ tests I've ever done shows me in a very high catagory. Usually in the 1/1,000,000 catagory... :)
| You Are An INFP |
The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist. |
This is normal. Again, not surprising.
| Your Love Number is 2 |
 Of all the numbers, you are the most caring and empathetic lover. Unselfish and humble, you find it easy to forgive your sweetie's mistakes. At times, your need to please can be come a bit too needy. As long as you remain somewhat independent, your relationships are perfectly balanced. |
Movie Recommendation
I watched a movie with D. last night. I wasn't sure how it was going to be when I picked it up. If you're "overweight" or considered "fat", if you constantly hate yourself for your size, if you have been picked on for being the "fat girl" and your self esteem is a shadow, this is the movie for you. It is a journey of self discovery and self acceptance. Having been there and arrived at her end (minus the dream job goal) where she understands that to love someone else, you must first love yourself, I highly, HIGHLY recommend this movie. It's called PHAT Girlz, starring Mo'Nique. It made me laugh and it made me cry. I've been on both sides of the gate. And here's the new definition of PHAT --- Pretty, Hot, And Thick. Ah, to be loved for yourself...
From another PHAT girl to the other beautiful women of all sizes.
From another PHAT girl to the other beautiful women of all sizes.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Bad Times
I have been having a very difficult time this last week. It is the time of year where I face bouts of anger and depression. I see signs of the coming fall and it upsets me. I have trouble sleeping and when I finally get to sleep, I have trouble waking. I'm bouncing back and forth between not being hungry (or can't be bothered to eat) and craving only comfort foods. I can't stand screaming and noise from the kids. Little things make me overly angry. I have no desire to do anything outside of sleeping or reading my books. I have no pride in my appearance or house or accomplishments. It's been eleven years this time and yet, every year, I am caught off-guard as to the strength of my emotions. I wonder why I am feeling this way and shocked by the intensity of my anger compared to the indifference of my other feelings. And then it hits me... This is when I was repeatedly raped by A. over a period of three to four weeks. This time, back eleven years ago, my life turned to hell for two weeks with a brief beginning period that for years I was unsure if I could consider one of the rapes. Unfortunately, that very first one is the rape that I remember the best. The one that haunts me the most. The one that turns my stomach and makes me want to throw up. And it was the one in which I had the least control over. If one could say that I had control over any of the other ones either. Strangely, I only recall certain pictures: the dark brown wood paneling in the half light of my room, the complete silence but for the blood pounding in my head, the door cracked open, my intense fear that J. should hear what was happening to me, the sound of J. leaving tearing my insides apart, the cold tears on my face when he finally left me alone, the curve of my body turning in on itself and hardness of my knees at my chest. Could he see that I was crying? Could he hear my silent sobs? Did he sense how sick I felt? Did it give him pleasure to see me cut down so low? Did it make him feel like a man to force me and degrade me? Did it ease his conscience to make sure I orgasmed? To this day, to be woken from a sound sleep by oral sex is to be thrown into sick confusion and to relive a nightmare. Then, after J. left me to my fate, again when I went "home" having nowhere else to go. Then he used guilt to manipulate me into "playing a game" with him. "I'm the master and you are my slave. You must obey me..." Forcing me to perform. And when it was over, I cried my heart out. He flew into a rage and grabbed me by the throat. He slammed my body against the wall, choking me. He told me that it I really wanted to die that I would allow myself to strangle to death by hanging. Self preservation kicked in (your body will not allow you to destroy it without a fight) and I stood up. I wanted to die. Really I did. I just wanted the pain to be over. His face mutated into a twisted monster's and he smashed his fist into the wall beside my head and dropped me to the floor. He began grabbing everything that was mine and throwing into my room. He finally snatched up Sylvia and I thought he was going to smash her glass aquarium to the floor and kill her. I panicked. I started screaming at him and cursing him. I swore that I'd kill him if he hurt her. I think he picked up the phone and called J. in the other province he'd been banished to. He told him that he hated me and never wanted to see me again. He called me all kinds of names and told J to come and get me. I don't remember anything after that. Then a few nights later, I awoke to A. stroking my hair and crying and talking "to himself". I was consumed with guilt and regret and pain. I opened the covers to him, intending just to comfort him. His face twisted evilly again and he said, "Don't cry this time. I don't want to remember you like that." I remember nothing but controlling my sickness and sadness and pain until he left. The I put my pillow over my head and ripped my heart out.
Four years later, I remembered what happened those last few weeks. I spiralled into depression. I locked myself in my house with my 2 and 3 yr old boys. I turned into a basketcase for nearly six months before I got medication from a doctor for depression. When my parents found out, my dad said it was my problem and I had to deal with it. My mom said that it couldn't be as bad as all that, after all, it was my husband. She said that sometimes people under stress do things that they wouldn't normally do. She said that I only see the bad things in life. She said that other people go through what I went through and they're fine. She said that, under the circumstances, I couldn't expect anything better than what I deserved. I was devestated but not surprised. I hated her. I didn't want to admit it then but I did. I don't hate her now but I don't exactly like her much either. Her emotional abuse is what helped me be with a man who abused me and raped me because I didn't feel that I deserved any better and I didn't have enough self esteem to believe that I was a person in my own right who could live and be happy on her own.
J. returned to pick me up and take me back to my "home"town (where my family lives) on September 15th, 1995. I finished my last day on the job at 11PM, went back to my house to gather what I could fit in a backpack. At 11.30PM, I said goodbye to my life, my husband, my cats rabbits chinchillas tarantula mice, my car, my motocycle, and walked out into the darkness and away. It was a clear, starless night. The tip of fall. The night was still warm but the decay of leaves was in the air. The echo of my footsteps made me nervous. I was afraid he might follow me and hurt me again. I ducked into an alley and took an awkward path to my rendevous of escape just to be sure.
So, every year, about this time, when the leaves start turning yellow and the wind starts blowing from the north, I become angry and depressed. I don't mean to. I don't conciously think, hey, wouldn't it be fun to have no joy in life? Wouldn't it be fun to cut myself off from everyone and everything for a few weeks and be miserable? Wouldn't it be fun to yell at my kids and lose myself continually in a fantasy world of books? Wouldn't it be fun to be frustrated by the simplest of things? Most times, it creeps up and partway into the first or second week I think, what's wrong with me? Why am I acting so strangely? And then it all comes back and I realize that somewhere inside me are the memories that still haunt me. My body still remembers, even if my mind can't. So I wait for Sept. 15th and the relief from the bodily memories it contains. Two weeks to go. And since the babies are in bed for a nap, off I go to find the same free dreamlessness that they have...
Four years later, I remembered what happened those last few weeks. I spiralled into depression. I locked myself in my house with my 2 and 3 yr old boys. I turned into a basketcase for nearly six months before I got medication from a doctor for depression. When my parents found out, my dad said it was my problem and I had to deal with it. My mom said that it couldn't be as bad as all that, after all, it was my husband. She said that sometimes people under stress do things that they wouldn't normally do. She said that I only see the bad things in life. She said that other people go through what I went through and they're fine. She said that, under the circumstances, I couldn't expect anything better than what I deserved. I was devestated but not surprised. I hated her. I didn't want to admit it then but I did. I don't hate her now but I don't exactly like her much either. Her emotional abuse is what helped me be with a man who abused me and raped me because I didn't feel that I deserved any better and I didn't have enough self esteem to believe that I was a person in my own right who could live and be happy on her own.
J. returned to pick me up and take me back to my "home"town (where my family lives) on September 15th, 1995. I finished my last day on the job at 11PM, went back to my house to gather what I could fit in a backpack. At 11.30PM, I said goodbye to my life, my husband, my cats rabbits chinchillas tarantula mice, my car, my motocycle, and walked out into the darkness and away. It was a clear, starless night. The tip of fall. The night was still warm but the decay of leaves was in the air. The echo of my footsteps made me nervous. I was afraid he might follow me and hurt me again. I ducked into an alley and took an awkward path to my rendevous of escape just to be sure.
So, every year, about this time, when the leaves start turning yellow and the wind starts blowing from the north, I become angry and depressed. I don't mean to. I don't conciously think, hey, wouldn't it be fun to have no joy in life? Wouldn't it be fun to cut myself off from everyone and everything for a few weeks and be miserable? Wouldn't it be fun to yell at my kids and lose myself continually in a fantasy world of books? Wouldn't it be fun to be frustrated by the simplest of things? Most times, it creeps up and partway into the first or second week I think, what's wrong with me? Why am I acting so strangely? And then it all comes back and I realize that somewhere inside me are the memories that still haunt me. My body still remembers, even if my mind can't. So I wait for Sept. 15th and the relief from the bodily memories it contains. Two weeks to go. And since the babies are in bed for a nap, off I go to find the same free dreamlessness that they have...
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Tony Stewart Quote
"If it works for you, do it. If its how you feel, act it. Just be yourself, and if being yourself means you're being cocky once in a while, have at it."
Tony Stewart,#20 Home Depot Car, Nextel Cup Winner, 2005
Tony Stewart,#20 Home Depot Car, Nextel Cup Winner, 2005
Friday, August 18, 2006
Responsibility
I'm tired of being responsible.
As I've mentioned before, I've been married twice and both times the men were financially irresponsible. A spent most of the three years we were together, letting me work and pay for everything while he went to school or slacked off. There was a time near the end when I was working three jobs and he was getting fired from one while having an affair at the same time. When I left, he had maxed out all the credit cards (all in his name, as I had no credit being young) and owed $13,000 in education funds. He flunked his automotive course for not being in class often enough. He spent more time skipping with his dad. Or watching too many movies so was "too tired" to get up. After I left, he harrassed me about paying some of the debt and, because I left, I felt guilty enough to pay him money. I paid for our divorce, gave him funds when he asked for them and paid off a $600 credit card. I took nothing of 'ours' when I left. I started again with nothing. I barely left with my sanity - certainly not my innocence of people nor my orginal sexuality. He took a lot more than my money.
Then I spent nine years with the next husband. We lived in a 1930's house on a rotting farm, then get a loan (from a "friend") for $30,000 on two decrepit trailers (from this "friend") to live beside his family who took over the house. We got a $25,000 Line Of Credit to pay off the credit debt and car. I wanted to cut up all the cards but one but he refused. When I left, again I took nothing except my car and my piano (and my kids, of course). Orginally, the deal was that he would not pay child support and instead pay off the debts. I had the kids for a week then he'd have them for a week so that I could work to support myself and them. I started to get annoyed with that cuz I would have them for a week (taking the week off during the summer) and then he'd take them to his mother's for free babysitting while he went to work, half the time not even coming home to spend time with them but hanging out with his new girlfriend and getting drunk. When I got pregnant and was home anyways, I decided to take them full time. Eventually, he moved one of the trailers and another dumpy one into town to live in a trailer court. He bought himself a new 2003 Mustang to drive around town in. So he now has rent, power, water, car payment, insurance, LOC, and cards to pay. The kids spend weekends at his house. At first, he has no power. Can't afford it and it gets cut off (in the middle of winter!!). Then his pipes freeze and he has to tear up the floor so a plumber can replumb the lines. Then he misses a couple of car payments. Ford starts yelling at him so he drives it up to the lot and leaves it there. Then he misses the rent a few times. "Friend" takes back the trailers, giving him nothing and telling him that he's lucky he doesn't charge him another $1500 or so for taking it back. ("Friend" has subsequiently sold those trailers for around $45 - 50,000.) He emptied out the trailers by throwing most of the stuff in it into the back of a pickup and taking it to the dump. (No selling here!) He moves into a 2 rm apartment a couple of blocks down from us. So now he has rent, power, LOC, and cards. Oh and his cel phone. Then last Sept. I get a phone call from my soon-to-be-ex-mother-in-law. She says, "The bank has been phoning and phoning here and asking for you. You'd better call them and straighten this out." I think, what?!?!?! I call and the woman on the other line chews me a new one, even though I tell her that I haven't been with J for a year and a half and I've got new twin babies and not working. She doesn't care cuz she's been calling for months. I apologize, telling her I had no idea and the circumstances of our breakup (he's supposed to be paying). She says she'll call him and I warn her that he won't answer or return her calls. This is nothing new, as I had to deal with this for the 9 yrs I was with him. So for the next four months, I recieve nasty phone calls from the bank (until I review the story with them and they look at their computer info - uh hello?). Finally, I ask them if they've got his new address. They give me the one from two moves ago along with his mom's phone number. I tell them he's moved and give them the new info. Oh, we can't use that unless he tells us he's moved. Uh, what? You think he's gonna phone you and tell you that he's moved so you can phone and harrass him??? Finally, after the third time of me telling them this and them marking it on the computer, I get a guy who's smart enough to make sure that they send their threatening letters to his old address AND his new one. Finally, J has to read the nasty letters that I've been getting for months and passing on to him, along with the phone calls that he never answers. Right before Christmas, I'm told that if I/we don't start paying, they'll take us to court. I immediately sit down with J and tell him that he has until I recieve a letter stating they're taking me to court to get in touch and start paying or I file for back child support when I finish up the divorce papers. He calls and tells them that he can send $80 and they laugh at him. So he hangs up and hasn't contacted them since. When I recieved the letter, I filed my divorce papers (I didn't sue for back support - I figured, can't get blood from a stone) and filed for child support. (Guess who pays for the $1500 divorce? ME!) I call the credit company and work out a deal with them to start paying with the child support money. I'm getting enough from family check and child support to pay $600 a month. I've been paying since Febuary. Along comes this year's family check. Yikes!! It's been cut $604 cuz now I'm common-law with D. I can no longer afford to pay $600 a month. Every month, I call and leave a message with the conformation number and the amount I've paid. I've been keeping tabs and so far I've paid $3,380. And J has paid... NONE. I ask if they've still been phoning him. Oh, yes, they say. I don't believe them. Then one day I ask again and Freida says, "Holy cow, you weren't kidding about him never answering the phone! I've been phoning every few days for another debt he owes us for and he never answers and never calls back!!" Do you think she's been phoning him like she's been telling me? I don't. That pisses me off. BTW, the debt has turned out to be $26,137.68 because he didn't pay it for six months. So I still have just over $23,000 left. Technically, I am only responsible for $13,000 of it but legally, cuz my john hancock is on the paperwork as a co-signer, I am responsible for ALL OF IT. I've been told that the only way I can get out of that is by sueing J for the other half. Do I have time for this? Or funds for this? I am raising four children and only D is working. Thank God he has a great job!!!
So, I want to know what he spends his money on every month. He gets at least $2400/month from his paychecks. So let's say Rent:$600 (BTW, he now has a roommate so it's more like half that!) Power:$80 Child Support:$600 Phone: $50 Credit Cards:$150 (which it doesn't sound like he's paying either) - That leaves $920 for food and other stuff. Someone tell me why he can't afford a car or to pay the LOC or his other bills? He has to feed himself mostly and 6 meals with the two kids (that'd be a box of cereal, some bread/fruit/snacks and something for dinner twice) per week. We feed SIX people for FIVE days and four people for the other two. We also pay for all their clothes, toys, school supplies/activities and whatever else they want/need.
I was going to just hope that I got enough of a settlement from the car accident to pay this off. I hate having it hanging over my head. But, I was watching Judge Judy yesterday. There was some young woman sueing for $500 for a bill. JJ said, "When you're older, you'll understand that $500 is nothing. It's an oops, I guess I'd better learn from it." Yah, I did that oops back with A. Did I learn from it? Apparently not. Here I sit, spewing about paying for an entire debt of thousands of dollars that is only half mine. I am toying with the idea of filing for bankruptcy when my half is paid. My credit is already screwed from this. Problem: If I get my settlement and it is enough to pay the entire amount, I probably will be ineligable to file. I want to use what I get as a settlement to help pay for our addition loan - another $70,000 on our mortgage. I shouldn't have to take away from us and our future to pay for the past of which I am not even responsible for! How do I make J be a man and pay up without sueing him? Now you see my dilemma.
I'm tired of being responsible.
As I've mentioned before, I've been married twice and both times the men were financially irresponsible. A spent most of the three years we were together, letting me work and pay for everything while he went to school or slacked off. There was a time near the end when I was working three jobs and he was getting fired from one while having an affair at the same time. When I left, he had maxed out all the credit cards (all in his name, as I had no credit being young) and owed $13,000 in education funds. He flunked his automotive course for not being in class often enough. He spent more time skipping with his dad. Or watching too many movies so was "too tired" to get up. After I left, he harrassed me about paying some of the debt and, because I left, I felt guilty enough to pay him money. I paid for our divorce, gave him funds when he asked for them and paid off a $600 credit card. I took nothing of 'ours' when I left. I started again with nothing. I barely left with my sanity - certainly not my innocence of people nor my orginal sexuality. He took a lot more than my money.
Then I spent nine years with the next husband. We lived in a 1930's house on a rotting farm, then get a loan (from a "friend") for $30,000 on two decrepit trailers (from this "friend") to live beside his family who took over the house. We got a $25,000 Line Of Credit to pay off the credit debt and car. I wanted to cut up all the cards but one but he refused. When I left, again I took nothing except my car and my piano (and my kids, of course). Orginally, the deal was that he would not pay child support and instead pay off the debts. I had the kids for a week then he'd have them for a week so that I could work to support myself and them. I started to get annoyed with that cuz I would have them for a week (taking the week off during the summer) and then he'd take them to his mother's for free babysitting while he went to work, half the time not even coming home to spend time with them but hanging out with his new girlfriend and getting drunk. When I got pregnant and was home anyways, I decided to take them full time. Eventually, he moved one of the trailers and another dumpy one into town to live in a trailer court. He bought himself a new 2003 Mustang to drive around town in. So he now has rent, power, water, car payment, insurance, LOC, and cards to pay. The kids spend weekends at his house. At first, he has no power. Can't afford it and it gets cut off (in the middle of winter!!). Then his pipes freeze and he has to tear up the floor so a plumber can replumb the lines. Then he misses a couple of car payments. Ford starts yelling at him so he drives it up to the lot and leaves it there. Then he misses the rent a few times. "Friend" takes back the trailers, giving him nothing and telling him that he's lucky he doesn't charge him another $1500 or so for taking it back. ("Friend" has subsequiently sold those trailers for around $45 - 50,000.) He emptied out the trailers by throwing most of the stuff in it into the back of a pickup and taking it to the dump. (No selling here!) He moves into a 2 rm apartment a couple of blocks down from us. So now he has rent, power, LOC, and cards. Oh and his cel phone. Then last Sept. I get a phone call from my soon-to-be-ex-mother-in-law. She says, "The bank has been phoning and phoning here and asking for you. You'd better call them and straighten this out." I think, what?!?!?! I call and the woman on the other line chews me a new one, even though I tell her that I haven't been with J for a year and a half and I've got new twin babies and not working. She doesn't care cuz she's been calling for months. I apologize, telling her I had no idea and the circumstances of our breakup (he's supposed to be paying). She says she'll call him and I warn her that he won't answer or return her calls. This is nothing new, as I had to deal with this for the 9 yrs I was with him. So for the next four months, I recieve nasty phone calls from the bank (until I review the story with them and they look at their computer info - uh hello?). Finally, I ask them if they've got his new address. They give me the one from two moves ago along with his mom's phone number. I tell them he's moved and give them the new info. Oh, we can't use that unless he tells us he's moved. Uh, what? You think he's gonna phone you and tell you that he's moved so you can phone and harrass him??? Finally, after the third time of me telling them this and them marking it on the computer, I get a guy who's smart enough to make sure that they send their threatening letters to his old address AND his new one. Finally, J has to read the nasty letters that I've been getting for months and passing on to him, along with the phone calls that he never answers. Right before Christmas, I'm told that if I/we don't start paying, they'll take us to court. I immediately sit down with J and tell him that he has until I recieve a letter stating they're taking me to court to get in touch and start paying or I file for back child support when I finish up the divorce papers. He calls and tells them that he can send $80 and they laugh at him. So he hangs up and hasn't contacted them since. When I recieved the letter, I filed my divorce papers (I didn't sue for back support - I figured, can't get blood from a stone) and filed for child support. (Guess who pays for the $1500 divorce? ME!) I call the credit company and work out a deal with them to start paying with the child support money. I'm getting enough from family check and child support to pay $600 a month. I've been paying since Febuary. Along comes this year's family check. Yikes!! It's been cut $604 cuz now I'm common-law with D. I can no longer afford to pay $600 a month. Every month, I call and leave a message with the conformation number and the amount I've paid. I've been keeping tabs and so far I've paid $3,380. And J has paid... NONE. I ask if they've still been phoning him. Oh, yes, they say. I don't believe them. Then one day I ask again and Freida says, "Holy cow, you weren't kidding about him never answering the phone! I've been phoning every few days for another debt he owes us for and he never answers and never calls back!!" Do you think she's been phoning him like she's been telling me? I don't. That pisses me off. BTW, the debt has turned out to be $26,137.68 because he didn't pay it for six months. So I still have just over $23,000 left. Technically, I am only responsible for $13,000 of it but legally, cuz my john hancock is on the paperwork as a co-signer, I am responsible for ALL OF IT. I've been told that the only way I can get out of that is by sueing J for the other half. Do I have time for this? Or funds for this? I am raising four children and only D is working. Thank God he has a great job!!!
So, I want to know what he spends his money on every month. He gets at least $2400/month from his paychecks. So let's say Rent:$600 (BTW, he now has a roommate so it's more like half that!) Power:$80 Child Support:$600 Phone: $50 Credit Cards:$150 (which it doesn't sound like he's paying either) - That leaves $920 for food and other stuff. Someone tell me why he can't afford a car or to pay the LOC or his other bills? He has to feed himself mostly and 6 meals with the two kids (that'd be a box of cereal, some bread/fruit/snacks and something for dinner twice) per week. We feed SIX people for FIVE days and four people for the other two. We also pay for all their clothes, toys, school supplies/activities and whatever else they want/need.
I was going to just hope that I got enough of a settlement from the car accident to pay this off. I hate having it hanging over my head. But, I was watching Judge Judy yesterday. There was some young woman sueing for $500 for a bill. JJ said, "When you're older, you'll understand that $500 is nothing. It's an oops, I guess I'd better learn from it." Yah, I did that oops back with A. Did I learn from it? Apparently not. Here I sit, spewing about paying for an entire debt of thousands of dollars that is only half mine. I am toying with the idea of filing for bankruptcy when my half is paid. My credit is already screwed from this. Problem: If I get my settlement and it is enough to pay the entire amount, I probably will be ineligable to file. I want to use what I get as a settlement to help pay for our addition loan - another $70,000 on our mortgage. I shouldn't have to take away from us and our future to pay for the past of which I am not even responsible for! How do I make J be a man and pay up without sueing him? Now you see my dilemma.
I'm tired of being responsible.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Car Accident
I'm finally feeling like my hip is back into place. I made the mistake of going for a walk on Monday to the library and back. I am usually in pain by the time I get home (it's about 3Kms all together). However, without Darren here to make dinner and let me take it easy, I put extra strain and wear/tear on it looking after things. Believe me, I've been paying for it that night and yesterday! It's been almost two years since the accident and it seems like things aren't getting better. Here's the story:
When I was first pregnant with the twins, I decided that I wouldn't deliver in this small town. We didn't know that there were twins at that point but when people tell me I can't have an epidural or pain drugs like demerol cuz it might the wrong time of day or a weekend, I don't want to have a baby with them!! If you can't do something simple like that, I'd hate to have something bad happen to the baby and there not be the equipment available to help! (My second son was premature with the preemie lung disease. He almost died and that was in a major city!) Anyhoo, I finally found a Doctor who would accept my idiosycrasies and rules about things (I had a list of do's and do not's) in the city, which is about 4.5 hrs away from here. My first appointment went well. We decided to eat (well, okay, not me really) before we headed for home. Darren was driving my car, as I had been VERY sick both with morning sickness and the added acid reflux that had made me throw up so badly I burst a blood vessel in my eye. We were travelling on a main road, right of way, at the posted speed, when from a side road, without warning, a small truck decided to turn left in front of us from a stopsign. I remember seeing a flash of white and Darren hitting the brakes and wrenching the wheel. The was a screech and crush of metal and the pop of the exploding airbags. I had been lying on my side with the seat back, still feeling sick when it happened. The airbag missed me but the force of the hit threw my body forward and pulled my hip and back wrong. By the time Darren fought his way free of his airbag and kicked open the driver's door to get out to help me away, the driver of the truck had run off down the street. The passenger stayed (probably cuz he couldn't run as fast with his bum leg) and gave his information plus that of the driver. Apparently, the truck had been stolen that morning from our town! The driver and passenger were both from the Matis settlement just outside of town, although, the passenger said he'd 'just' met him that day at the same job interview and was 'only hitching a ride' with him. It took the city cop two hours to arrive at the scene (making the ambulance have to wait around all that time!). Some people who had witnessed the accident from their store had taken me back with them and gotten me set up to wait. The cop didn't even talk to me. The ambulance crew checked me out but, as there wasn't anything for soft tissue that they could do, they told me either I could go wait at the hospital or stay there. I opted for staying there since I didn't know what or how we were going to get home 4.5 hours away. I've only ever had one other accident and that was hitting a deer the summer before. Well, we ended up catching a Greyhound home (one of the MOST uncomfortable, horrible rides home, I've ever had!!!). I went to a doctor in town the next day to make sure the baby was okay (still didn't know there were two) and to the chiropractor to try and fix my hip. We went to the lawyer's office to find out our options (stolen vehicle, accident elsewhere, lousy bastards for insurance company {don't EVER go with Peace Hills Insurance!!}, injuries, etc). Almost two years later, my hip is still screwed up (I don't think it's ever going to get better), the perpetrator still hasn't been caught (amazing since he left his resume on the front seat!!!!!!!), and the cop 'lost' all of the accident information and stuff (which we have NO COPIES OF!)including the phone number and address of the witness behind the truck! We are in the process of doing the legal thing but who knows how long that will take. Personally, I think the cop went: "Out of city vehicles both of them, not my problem, don't care... Whooooops!" out the window of his police car. Thanks very much for the incompetence. So here I sit, with a bum hip and a hampered ability to function, while the thief (who Darren is gonna beat the crap out of if he ever sees him) still runs around without worry. BTW, when we mentioned his name to the lawyer, he said, "Oh, THAT guy."
Well, enough of that. I have two smelly, tired babies to change and put down for naps.
When I was first pregnant with the twins, I decided that I wouldn't deliver in this small town. We didn't know that there were twins at that point but when people tell me I can't have an epidural or pain drugs like demerol cuz it might the wrong time of day or a weekend, I don't want to have a baby with them!! If you can't do something simple like that, I'd hate to have something bad happen to the baby and there not be the equipment available to help! (My second son was premature with the preemie lung disease. He almost died and that was in a major city!) Anyhoo, I finally found a Doctor who would accept my idiosycrasies and rules about things (I had a list of do's and do not's) in the city, which is about 4.5 hrs away from here. My first appointment went well. We decided to eat (well, okay, not me really) before we headed for home. Darren was driving my car, as I had been VERY sick both with morning sickness and the added acid reflux that had made me throw up so badly I burst a blood vessel in my eye. We were travelling on a main road, right of way, at the posted speed, when from a side road, without warning, a small truck decided to turn left in front of us from a stopsign. I remember seeing a flash of white and Darren hitting the brakes and wrenching the wheel. The was a screech and crush of metal and the pop of the exploding airbags. I had been lying on my side with the seat back, still feeling sick when it happened. The airbag missed me but the force of the hit threw my body forward and pulled my hip and back wrong. By the time Darren fought his way free of his airbag and kicked open the driver's door to get out to help me away, the driver of the truck had run off down the street. The passenger stayed (probably cuz he couldn't run as fast with his bum leg) and gave his information plus that of the driver. Apparently, the truck had been stolen that morning from our town! The driver and passenger were both from the Matis settlement just outside of town, although, the passenger said he'd 'just' met him that day at the same job interview and was 'only hitching a ride' with him. It took the city cop two hours to arrive at the scene (making the ambulance have to wait around all that time!). Some people who had witnessed the accident from their store had taken me back with them and gotten me set up to wait. The cop didn't even talk to me. The ambulance crew checked me out but, as there wasn't anything for soft tissue that they could do, they told me either I could go wait at the hospital or stay there. I opted for staying there since I didn't know what or how we were going to get home 4.5 hours away. I've only ever had one other accident and that was hitting a deer the summer before. Well, we ended up catching a Greyhound home (one of the MOST uncomfortable, horrible rides home, I've ever had!!!). I went to a doctor in town the next day to make sure the baby was okay (still didn't know there were two) and to the chiropractor to try and fix my hip. We went to the lawyer's office to find out our options (stolen vehicle, accident elsewhere, lousy bastards for insurance company {don't EVER go with Peace Hills Insurance!!}
Well, enough of that. I have two smelly, tired babies to change and put down for naps.
Monday, August 14, 2006
John Ringo
I just finished There Will Be Dragons by John Ringo and I must say that I really enjoyed it!! It made me laugh and not cry, but definately, I could relate to how he explained some of the after-effects of rape. The training and battle were very descriptive and, even though I haven't really any real knowledge of military tactics, seemed very realistic to me. It felt like a combination of sci-fi and fantasy and it hooked me very quickly. I can't wait to start the second book in the series!! I'd recommend this book to anyone. I have read and I own many, many books and this is one of the better ones I've read in quite a while. I'm on to the next book - I have quite a large pile of ones I've just bought that I have to read. Unfortunately, I have a library book I have to read first before I start Emerald Sea. However, the characters in this series are so memorable, I doubt I'll have any trouble falling right into the book as soon as I open it. If you want a great, action packed read, find this book from John Ringo. I look forward to finding more of his work to read eventually.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Thinking
As I was returning the movies I had rented last week, I drove past a sign telling of a garage sale at the Baptist Church. I got to thinking, as I drove, about how the last time I saw the pastor (P)at my old church, he gave me an order about coming back. Since I didn't "obey", he hasn't spoken to me and virtually avoided me whenever possible. Not that I have a problem with that. I'm perfectly happy that he doesn't try to play nicey-nice with me in a forced, false friendliness. I just wonder why he believes I don't attend. Perhaps I should explain...
I come from a traditional Baptist home, born and raised. It was a very patriarchal home even though it was my mother who wore the pants in the family. I was emotionally abused, mostly by my mother, and for as long as I can remember, I've had pretty much zero self-esteem. I didn't realize (or even suspect!) that I had been emotionally abused until I was 32 years old. All my adult life, I have been attracted to men who are losers. Can't keep jobs, financially inept, can't function properly socially, were abused as kids, controlling, self depreciating, usually emotionally and sometimes verbally/physically abusive. I would find someone who would give me the pathetic, sob story of their miserable childhoods and I would have a purpose. A meaning. A self worth. I could fix this person by loving them when no one else would. I'd love them so much and so hard that they'd become a better person. I would become obssessed with them and call it "love". I would do anything and everything for them - anything to make them happy. If they weren't happy, I was miserable cuz I was failing as a wife. I would lose myself, camaflage myself, become a chameleon, adept at hiding my wants and needs since childhood. I have become so many different "people" that I lost myself. I didn't know who I was or what I even liked or wanted or needed! Kind of like the "Runaway Bride" movie. With my first marriage, I ended up with a man (A) who controlled me, used me, abused me, cheated on me. I was too weak to leave him after he cheated. Four months later when I "fell in love" with our best friend (J), he found out and threw me out. After the J's mother told him to leave town and have nothing to do with me again, I went back to A and spent two weeks in hell before J "rescued" me and took me back "home" to my parent's world. I ended up getting pregnant and marrying J. We had two children and the cycle started all over. We were good together but I cut pieces of myself out that he didn't approve of. I "couldn't live without him" and every now and then, he'd disappear to see if I noticed, which scared me to death. I had an extreme fear of being left alone by someone. I still had no self worth. We spent 9 years together before another man came along and gave me his terrible sob story and I "fell in love" with him. At that time, I was a huge part of "my" church. I was the pianist and a singer on the worship team, I had a band in which I played guitar and sang lead, I was an actress - for the first time doing what I should have been doing for many years!, I volunteered for almost everything that the church did, I was part of the "inner circle". I was close to P, in a father figure manner. I helped build my friend's (D) new business building and move her into it. I was part of her bible study and she was the first friend I made when I came to this town. The church and my friends there were my whole existance. Besides J, that is. Then I was doing a play with L. We started getting really close - as characters and as friends. I began to change myself again to fit his role. He told me how unhappy he was in his marriage, how abusive his wife was, how horrible his childhood had been, how he hated work and the people there "spied" on him. I did my usual. I "fell in love with him". I was tormented by the relationship. I told J that I was having feelings for L and he said, uh huh. I confided in D about my struggles and my feelings and the torture I was in. I thought that I could trust her. She confided in me about her struggles with feelings for someone else too. I thought I could trust her. After the play was over, I feel into a depression. Within a few days, D told P that I was ruining my and L's marriage. P told me that I could no longer be a part of the drama (he may as well have cut off my arms and legs, I'd have been happier), sing with worship team, have my band, be a part of anything that the "public might see". He told my drama leader that anyone else in town could addition for the next play except me. He began preaching sermons about adultery and using me (minus my name) as an example. Between P and D, they told pretty much 1/2 the church what had happened. So it didn't matter if he used my name or not, most people knew exactly who he was talking about. Anyways, in the course of my attachment to L, he gave me a whole lot of information about emotional abuse. After doing a survey of 50 Questions of yes or no answers to things that tell you whether you've been emotionally abused and answering 45 of the 50 with "yes", I finally understood why I was attracted to "bad" men. How I could end up in an abusive first marriage. Why I had no self esteem and no self worth. How I could profess to "love" someone so much as to die without them and then be able to feel the same about someone else. Why I was filled with self doubt and self hatred. Why I had no physical or mental boundries. I gave up going to church when I came out feeling like I had been beaten with a stick every week. I stopped having anything to do with any of those people. I had started going out singing karaoke to get my "performance high". I met some guys who became my friends. Darren and I (the man I'm with now) became very close right from the start. We are excellent friends. There wasn't anything between us except friendship at the start. But L was insanely jealous. INSANELY jealous. He would berate me and call me down and make me feel horrible about Darren. He started to make me cry anytime I talked to him. He made me feel like a whore. I spent more and more time with Darren as L frightened me more and more. Finally, I broke up with him and he went crazy. He started phoning me all the time and leaving messages. He would drive past my house a million times (I was just moving into my own apartment) and my work a million times. I was terrified to be alone. He showed up at my work one day just before I got off. One of my friends had come to visit and told me that he'd seen him waiting out by my car. I nearly fainted, I was so scared. My friend called Darren who came immediately to help. I waited inside while Darren confronted L and told him that he'd beat the shit out of him if he didn't leave me alone. I ended up moving in with Darren and things progressed. We orginally became friends with benefits but then I got pregnant. Darren was estatic! I was thrilled too but a little afraid of what my parents would say. Pretty sad that a 32 yr old woman would be afraid to tell her parents she was pregnant like she was some errant teenager. We've been together and happily since. Our relationship is like nothing I've ever had before. And more importantly, I've learned to love myself for all my quirks and follies. I have self esteem. I can love someone else because I have learned to love ME.
Back to P and the rest of them. Today I wondered what they think the "why" is. I'm betting that it's that they think I am ashamed cuz I'm "living in sin" and that I am to embarrassed to be around them. Probably that I'll have to shape up and "get right with God" and apologize to all of them for causing so much trouble. You wanna know the real reason? Because I don't trust them. Not a single one of them. They gossip and backstab. P used me as sermon fodder. Of all my "friends" there, only ONE of them attempted to figure out why I would turn my life upside down and empathized with me. Everyone else was too busy casting me out and condemning me. Sadly, I don't trust many people anymore. I have a few friends. We occasionally attend the Lutheran church (Darren was brought up Lutheran) but I find I spend more time concerned with what anyone who talks to me wants from me. I Don't Trust Anyone. I am not ashamed of who I am. I am not ashamed of the life I live. I am not ashamed to be seen with Darren and my kids. I don't care what any of them thinks. But I let very few people in close enough to hurt me these days. There is a vast gulf between me and most other people. Oh, I have people talk to me about their secrets. They somehow seem to know that I am absolutely trustworthy with others secrets (even when they destroy mine. I never told anyone about D's secret.) and, sometimes even when I hardly know them, I find them telling me deep things that they don't tell anyone else. The only one who hears my secrets is Darren - and my notepad. And pretty much the only person I truly trust with almost everything is Darren. But I still don't trust anyone else. Interesting how I can blog this for anyone to read and judge me. I don't care... feel free. :) Either you love me or you hate me - kinda like Sambuca... lol
I come from a traditional Baptist home, born and raised. It was a very patriarchal home even though it was my mother who wore the pants in the family. I was emotionally abused, mostly by my mother, and for as long as I can remember, I've had pretty much zero self-esteem. I didn't realize (or even suspect!) that I had been emotionally abused until I was 32 years old. All my adult life, I have been attracted to men who are losers. Can't keep jobs, financially inept, can't function properly socially, were abused as kids, controlling, self depreciating, usually emotionally and sometimes verbally/physically abusive. I would find someone who would give me the pathetic, sob story of their miserable childhoods and I would have a purpose. A meaning. A self worth. I could fix this person by loving them when no one else would. I'd love them so much and so hard that they'd become a better person. I would become obssessed with them and call it "love". I would do anything and everything for them - anything to make them happy. If they weren't happy, I was miserable cuz I was failing as a wife. I would lose myself, camaflage myself, become a chameleon, adept at hiding my wants and needs since childhood. I have become so many different "people" that I lost myself. I didn't know who I was or what I even liked or wanted or needed! Kind of like the "Runaway Bride" movie. With my first marriage, I ended up with a man (A) who controlled me, used me, abused me, cheated on me. I was too weak to leave him after he cheated. Four months later when I "fell in love" with our best friend (J), he found out and threw me out. After the J's mother told him to leave town and have nothing to do with me again, I went back to A and spent two weeks in hell before J "rescued" me and took me back "home" to my parent's world. I ended up getting pregnant and marrying J. We had two children and the cycle started all over. We were good together but I cut pieces of myself out that he didn't approve of. I "couldn't live without him" and every now and then, he'd disappear to see if I noticed, which scared me to death. I had an extreme fear of being left alone by someone. I still had no self worth. We spent 9 years together before another man came along and gave me his terrible sob story and I "fell in love" with him. At that time, I was a huge part of "my" church. I was the pianist and a singer on the worship team, I had a band in which I played guitar and sang lead, I was an actress - for the first time doing what I should have been doing for many years!, I volunteered for almost everything that the church did, I was part of the "inner circle". I was close to P, in a father figure manner. I helped build my friend's (D) new business building and move her into it. I was part of her bible study and she was the first friend I made when I came to this town. The church and my friends there were my whole existance. Besides J, that is. Then I was doing a play with L. We started getting really close - as characters and as friends. I began to change myself again to fit his role. He told me how unhappy he was in his marriage, how abusive his wife was, how horrible his childhood had been, how he hated work and the people there "spied" on him. I did my usual. I "fell in love with him". I was tormented by the relationship. I told J that I was having feelings for L and he said, uh huh. I confided in D about my struggles and my feelings and the torture I was in. I thought that I could trust her. She confided in me about her struggles with feelings for someone else too. I thought I could trust her. After the play was over, I feel into a depression. Within a few days, D told P that I was ruining my and L's marriage. P told me that I could no longer be a part of the drama (he may as well have cut off my arms and legs, I'd have been happier), sing with worship team, have my band, be a part of anything that the "public might see". He told my drama leader that anyone else in town could addition for the next play except me. He began preaching sermons about adultery and using me (minus my name) as an example. Between P and D, they told pretty much 1/2 the church what had happened. So it didn't matter if he used my name or not, most people knew exactly who he was talking about. Anyways, in the course of my attachment to L, he gave me a whole lot of information about emotional abuse. After doing a survey of 50 Questions of yes or no answers to things that tell you whether you've been emotionally abused and answering 45 of the 50 with "yes", I finally understood why I was attracted to "bad" men. How I could end up in an abusive first marriage. Why I had no self esteem and no self worth. How I could profess to "love" someone so much as to die without them and then be able to feel the same about someone else. Why I was filled with self doubt and self hatred. Why I had no physical or mental boundries. I gave up going to church when I came out feeling like I had been beaten with a stick every week. I stopped having anything to do with any of those people. I had started going out singing karaoke to get my "performance high". I met some guys who became my friends. Darren and I (the man I'm with now) became very close right from the start. We are excellent friends. There wasn't anything between us except friendship at the start. But L was insanely jealous. INSANELY jealous. He would berate me and call me down and make me feel horrible about Darren. He started to make me cry anytime I talked to him. He made me feel like a whore. I spent more and more time with Darren as L frightened me more and more. Finally, I broke up with him and he went crazy. He started phoning me all the time and leaving messages. He would drive past my house a million times (I was just moving into my own apartment) and my work a million times. I was terrified to be alone. He showed up at my work one day just before I got off. One of my friends had come to visit and told me that he'd seen him waiting out by my car. I nearly fainted, I was so scared. My friend called Darren who came immediately to help. I waited inside while Darren confronted L and told him that he'd beat the shit out of him if he didn't leave me alone. I ended up moving in with Darren and things progressed. We orginally became friends with benefits but then I got pregnant. Darren was estatic! I was thrilled too but a little afraid of what my parents would say. Pretty sad that a 32 yr old woman would be afraid to tell her parents she was pregnant like she was some errant teenager. We've been together and happily since. Our relationship is like nothing I've ever had before. And more importantly, I've learned to love myself for all my quirks and follies. I have self esteem. I can love someone else because I have learned to love ME.
Back to P and the rest of them. Today I wondered what they think the "why" is. I'm betting that it's that they think I am ashamed cuz I'm "living in sin" and that I am to embarrassed to be around them. Probably that I'll have to shape up and "get right with God" and apologize to all of them for causing so much trouble. You wanna know the real reason? Because I don't trust them. Not a single one of them. They gossip and backstab. P used me as sermon fodder. Of all my "friends" there, only ONE of them attempted to figure out why I would turn my life upside down and empathized with me. Everyone else was too busy casting me out and condemning me. Sadly, I don't trust many people anymore. I have a few friends. We occasionally attend the Lutheran church (Darren was brought up Lutheran) but I find I spend more time concerned with what anyone who talks to me wants from me. I Don't Trust Anyone. I am not ashamed of who I am. I am not ashamed of the life I live. I am not ashamed to be seen with Darren and my kids. I don't care what any of them thinks. But I let very few people in close enough to hurt me these days. There is a vast gulf between me and most other people. Oh, I have people talk to me about their secrets. They somehow seem to know that I am absolutely trustworthy with others secrets (even when they destroy mine. I never told anyone about D's secret.) and, sometimes even when I hardly know them, I find them telling me deep things that they don't tell anyone else. The only one who hears my secrets is Darren - and my notepad. And pretty much the only person I truly trust with almost everything is Darren. But I still don't trust anyone else. Interesting how I can blog this for anyone to read and judge me. I don't care... feel free. :) Either you love me or you hate me - kinda like Sambuca... lol
Friday, August 11, 2006
ARGH!
Already the kids are driving me nuts today!!! Argh argh argh! Sheesh! We had to go shopping for groceries - always a challenge with the twins. I need two carts so I can carry babies and groceries. Usually I do it when DH is home so that I don't have to try and push/pull both through the crowded Walmart. As you know from the initial post, DH is away for a couple of weeks. So I have to take the boys to help. No problem! They're both gung-ho and ready to go. Sort of. I have to tell them to get dressed about five times already. Yah, but they've got their allowance and they wanna spend it NOW!!! So I get the babies changed, dressed, and myself ready to go. Oops, they're teething, better give them some Tylonol so they aren't howling the whole time we're out. "James, grab Leith and bring him here so I can give him some medicine," as I give Katie hers. Give him medicine and out the door we go. We get to Walmsrt and Jamie is carrying Leith into Walmart to put him in a cart. I put Katie in and hurry over since he's having trouble putting him in. PHEW! What is that SMELL?! Leith has smelly pants and no one bothered to tell me as we headed out the door. Too excited to spend their money... DHOH! I didn't bring the diaper bag cuz we're only gonna be a little while and it's a pain to carry it. "Why didn't you tell me before we left???" I ask the boys. "Uhhh... I dunno. We never thought about it." Huh???? Hmmm... isn't that, like, common sense? Siiiiiigh. Perhaps that's just the last straw in a line of talking to a couple of brick walls today (at least that's what it feels like sometimes!!). I can certainly tell that it's Friday and time to go to Dad's house!! I should get them to phone him so Jamie can get him to come over and fix his bike chain. My x-husband doesn't have a car anymore so they have to ride or walk everywhere. Apparently, even though he only has to look after himself and has a decent paying job ( a heck of a lot more than I make!!! Even when working outside of home!), he can't pay his bills or keep a car or house. That's another story. I'm sure I'll be ranting about that one soon. Same old same old. Anyhoo, the boys go to Dad's tonight when he gets off work. It actually makes me appreciate them more throughout the week cuz I get a break from them. However, Fridays are cleanup days when the boys have to do their chores so they can have their allowance. Cool, right? Sure but how come I have to say EVERYTHING 20 times before they listen enough to do them? Typical kids, I know. Selective hearing, kinda like the x. LOL I guess it's cuz they're excited to go to Dad's. They get to watch movies (ones I don't always approve of - would you let your 8 year old watch Alien VS Predator or weird, too sexual anime movies???) and play video games for hours and hours. The apartment is a disgusting, filthy sty and they don't have to do any chores. Easy living, ya know. So, it'll be me and the twins for the weekend. Mmmm... Watkins Glen on Sunday. Don't really like the road courses but oh well. What I wouldn't do to go see a live NASCAR race... O_o Rock on, Smoke!!!
August 11, 2006.
So here is my first blog writing ever. Perhaps I should have done something like this ages ago! I guess that all depends on if I care who reads this. I won't write long on this first one. I just want to get it all set up and then I can spew my guts when I need to or want to.
Today is day 5 of DH being away in Ontario for three weeks. Am I happy about that? Well, honestly, it's okay. I do feel a little jealous sometimes that he gets such a break away from the kids and the ability to have fun without having to get a babysitter. However, he makes it all okay when he comes home and send me out to have some fun of my own. Maybe sometime I'll get to go on a vacation of my own. Kind of a scary thought. I have to fight the idea that I'm not "mature" enough to take care of myself. Silly, I know. Programming from childhood. Today we won't go into that but I will sometime, I'm sure. I've just put down the babies for a nap so I'm going to head there myself as well. How to know you're getting on in years: You need a nap when the kids have one... ehehhehehe... Be back soon!
Today is day 5 of DH being away in Ontario for three weeks. Am I happy about that? Well, honestly, it's okay. I do feel a little jealous sometimes that he gets such a break away from the kids and the ability to have fun without having to get a babysitter. However, he makes it all okay when he comes home and send me out to have some fun of my own. Maybe sometime I'll get to go on a vacation of my own. Kind of a scary thought. I have to fight the idea that I'm not "mature" enough to take care of myself. Silly, I know. Programming from childhood. Today we won't go into that but I will sometime, I'm sure. I've just put down the babies for a nap so I'm going to head there myself as well. How to know you're getting on in years: You need a nap when the kids have one... ehehhehehe... Be back soon!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)