When I awoke to the sound of screaming last night, I ended up not being able to get myself back to sleep easily. First, I was worried a bit about the Comet that the babies had gotten into on Monday and the burn it left on Katie's bottom. Thought it might have been hurting her or something. She seemed fine after I gave her some mouth medicine so perhaps it was just teething pain. Then, of course, Leith woke up cuz he can't sleep through her yelling in the same room. Gave him a top up too and put them back to bed. Went back to bed and just lay there thinking and wondering and remembering. Then came up a thought from the past that I have wondered about before...
You know how you can pretty much recall most people you've dated? Especially, when you're young, around the time when you first started dating? I can count 11 people I have dated in my entire life so far and four of them were serious relationships (marriage/engagement/common-law). My first kiss was on a train on a trip across Canada. I was 16. It was a two day relationship. Then I agreed to go out with a gr. 12 guy when I started in gr. 11 purely cuz I was thrilled that someone was interested in me. I was a dorky kid that not many people liked, so having someone attracted to me was the motivating factor for becoming his girlfriend. I ended up breaking up with him (I didn't even really like him as a person, let alone a boyfriend!) after two weeks because he continually tried to pressure me into having sex. I wasn't ready and I certainly wasn't gonna "do it" with a guy I didn't even like!! Then I started going out with a guy I consider my first boyfriend. It lasted three months the first time, three months the second time a year later, and even though I still held a torch for him, I wouldn't start going out with him a third time when he asked. Just out of high school there was a young guy who also didn't understand the meaning of "no". He lasted about five minutes. After college I started going out with my best friend of eight years. We were secrectly engaged and I lost my virginity to him. We broke up after a year and a half. For years, I thought that these were all the guys I'd dated at that time of my life (between 16 and 20). Then one day, I woke up with a memory of a guy with red hair taking me on a date. I dug deep for the memory and wondered why it was so hard. Then it came.
When I was 14, I started going to the college weekend where I was going to attend after high school. I had a family friend who was attending and me and my best girl friend stayed with her on Campus Weekends for two of four years. The first year we stayed, we took an extra day to stay and went to watch the college guys play hockey. While we were there, some weird red-headed guy I'd never met or even seen, started chasing me around and tickling me. I think he must have been about 23/24. It made me feel strange. Sort of thrilled that this man was teasing me and tickling me - flirting with me! - and yet, something was sorta scary too. I didn't know him. I wasn't even close to his age. He knew more about me the next time I saw him - about a year later. He was friendly and flirty and teasing again. Then when I met him at 17, he somehow got my phone number and asked my parents if he could take me on a date. Because he was a 'christian' and going to a Christian college, my parents seemed to think that it would be okay for him to date me. I remember driving in his car, way through downtown and out the other side and up Mount Seymour. It was a good hour to two hour drive there and then again back. I only remember stoplights and sitting in his truck(?). Then I remember being at a lookout spot. He picked me up and set me on the railing and then he kissed me. I remember the lights of the city waaaay below. I remember the balmy air. I remember he tasted smoky. I remember the feel of his (shudder) mustache scraping my skin. I remember nothing after that. But why can't I remember anything else? More than that, why couldn't I remember this date AT ALL until years later? I can remember -not necessarily the details - of the other guys, no problem. So why this block? Most of the time, I don't think about it. Then sometimes it surfaces and I start wondering again. I guess last night was the night to recall what little I can remember. It reminds me of the weird things I remember from my first rape. Feelings and snapshot pictures in my mind. Certain smells and sounds. Or lack thereof. I don't remember other dates or guys like that. It's kinda creepy. Perhaps I just don't want to remember.
Things that make you go "hmmmm..."
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Complaining Again... :(
Here I am, complaining again. Told ya this was gonna be a place to bitch...
I'm hovering in a limbo of waiting. We've been stalled at the bank for two weeks now. Everything was supposed to be "done" yesterday and someone was supposed to have gotten ahold of us by now. Or not. We should know that a bank doesn't phone you when they have to give you money... only when they want it. DH was supposed to have phoned them before but either keeps forgetting or it gets put off til way too late. This is exactly why I said that he needed to do all this before he left the second time for Ontario. I'm frustrated enough that I'd do it myself. Problem? Yah, they won't talk to me. This isn't able have anything to do with me cuz of my screwed up credit rating from J. I can't even have a joint account with the ability to say yea or nay on something to do with the house because if J ends up getting sued and I get dragged into that or I file for bankruptcy or whatever, it can't affect DH's rating or accounts or the house. So here I sit. We can't get a building permit without the architectual plans. We can't get the architectual plans until we get money from the bank. I can't even hire a friggin' contractor to get us started without the damn building permit. I can see the north wind whipping the dead leaves from the trees. The tree in front of the house is increasingly bare. Fall is most definately here. Even though DH says the Farmer's Almanac is calling for a mild winter like we had last year, I am predicting a heavier one to make up for last year. My achy joints tell me so. I feel how cold the nights are becoming. I see the change of the wind and the feel of the air. I can feel the depth of chill in the grass when I step outside in bare feet to look at the dying plants in the yard. It is barely 10 degrees outside not counting the wind. I want to DO something - like continue designing the new rooms or get ready to start building the 1/4 bathroom - but then I feel like, what's the point? What's the point of wasting all that time when the bank may make it so that things can't be built until next year. If the bank denies the loan, we'll have to move anyways and again that won't happen until next year. Maybe I wouldn't be so annoyed if I hadn't kept saying that this was going to be the case if we didn't get things started sooner than later. How long is it gonna take to draw the architectual plans up? A week? Two weeks? Then when we finally get them and send them in to get our building plan, that takes another two weeks. Then we have to wait til someone can dig and pour the basement which is gonna take who knows how long cuz they're so busy. Even if it only takes two weeks (which I highly doubt) to get the digger/concrete out, it's still late late late to be starting. In two weeks, it will be October. In two after that it will be the middle of October. Two weeks after that, it will be November. If I am right and the almanac is wrong, we will be too late to start digging and pouring until next spring. And who's to say that because we need even more money than we originally asked for, it's not gonna take the bank another week besides to okay it??? I told DH that he should call the bank before they finished and let us know about this money coming but he wanted to wait until they let us know this stuff first. I cannot explain why I feel that it is/was the wrong decision but somewhere in my gut, I just have a feeling. I guess we'll see if I can trust the old gut still or not.
Needless to say, I am seriously frustrated. Almost to the point of angry today. DH said he'd let me know for sure one way or the other by 10AM this morning. So far, not even an email about it, which means either he's been too busy to call them (most likely) or he's been busy and forgot to phone them. I think I'm angry cuz I feel that it should have been done last week as soon as we figured that we were going to need more than we asked for. But most of it is because I am helpless to change it by just doing it myself. It would have been worse if I had just hung around waiting for DH to deal with the contractor too. But then again, it all comes back to having the money to do A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. I feel locked inside this house, dreading a winter where I have two toddlers running apeshit around the upstairs in the house cuz there's nowhere in this town that I can take them to play that has more room. Dairy Queen has a play place but they have to be 3 years old to play in it. The V&B has shut down for good now and so there is nothing indoors for them at all. I have NOWHERE to go and NOTHING to do with them. And now, it feels like, I won't even have a rec room for them to run freely around in. Instead, I have to live with constant mess and activity and craziness in my living room. And Squishy waking up Katie in the middle of the night or vice versa. No training them to beds cuz there's no room. Piles everywhere cuz there's no room left in the house. The living room/dining room is already overcrowded cuz there's nowhere to put the extra shelves and cupboards to hold six people's stuff. And winter to look forward to stuffed alone with small children in a too small house. I may end up going crazy after all...
I'm hovering in a limbo of waiting. We've been stalled at the bank for two weeks now. Everything was supposed to be "done" yesterday and someone was supposed to have gotten ahold of us by now. Or not. We should know that a bank doesn't phone you when they have to give you money... only when they want it. DH was supposed to have phoned them before but either keeps forgetting or it gets put off til way too late. This is exactly why I said that he needed to do all this before he left the second time for Ontario. I'm frustrated enough that I'd do it myself. Problem? Yah, they won't talk to me. This isn't able have anything to do with me cuz of my screwed up credit rating from J. I can't even have a joint account with the ability to say yea or nay on something to do with the house because if J ends up getting sued and I get dragged into that or I file for bankruptcy or whatever, it can't affect DH's rating or accounts or the house. So here I sit. We can't get a building permit without the architectual plans. We can't get the architectual plans until we get money from the bank. I can't even hire a friggin' contractor to get us started without the damn building permit. I can see the north wind whipping the dead leaves from the trees. The tree in front of the house is increasingly bare. Fall is most definately here. Even though DH says the Farmer's Almanac is calling for a mild winter like we had last year, I am predicting a heavier one to make up for last year. My achy joints tell me so. I feel how cold the nights are becoming. I see the change of the wind and the feel of the air. I can feel the depth of chill in the grass when I step outside in bare feet to look at the dying plants in the yard. It is barely 10 degrees outside not counting the wind. I want to DO something - like continue designing the new rooms or get ready to start building the 1/4 bathroom - but then I feel like, what's the point? What's the point of wasting all that time when the bank may make it so that things can't be built until next year. If the bank denies the loan, we'll have to move anyways and again that won't happen until next year. Maybe I wouldn't be so annoyed if I hadn't kept saying that this was going to be the case if we didn't get things started sooner than later. How long is it gonna take to draw the architectual plans up? A week? Two weeks? Then when we finally get them and send them in to get our building plan, that takes another two weeks. Then we have to wait til someone can dig and pour the basement which is gonna take who knows how long cuz they're so busy. Even if it only takes two weeks (which I highly doubt) to get the digger/concrete out, it's still late late late to be starting. In two weeks, it will be October. In two after that it will be the middle of October. Two weeks after that, it will be November. If I am right and the almanac is wrong, we will be too late to start digging and pouring until next spring. And who's to say that because we need even more money than we originally asked for, it's not gonna take the bank another week besides to okay it??? I told DH that he should call the bank before they finished and let us know about this money coming but he wanted to wait until they let us know this stuff first. I cannot explain why I feel that it is/was the wrong decision but somewhere in my gut, I just have a feeling. I guess we'll see if I can trust the old gut still or not.
Needless to say, I am seriously frustrated. Almost to the point of angry today. DH said he'd let me know for sure one way or the other by 10AM this morning. So far, not even an email about it, which means either he's been too busy to call them (most likely) or he's been busy and forgot to phone them. I think I'm angry cuz I feel that it should have been done last week as soon as we figured that we were going to need more than we asked for. But most of it is because I am helpless to change it by just doing it myself. It would have been worse if I had just hung around waiting for DH to deal with the contractor too. But then again, it all comes back to having the money to do A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. I feel locked inside this house, dreading a winter where I have two toddlers running apeshit around the upstairs in the house cuz there's nowhere in this town that I can take them to play that has more room. Dairy Queen has a play place but they have to be 3 years old to play in it. The V&B has shut down for good now and so there is nothing indoors for them at all. I have NOWHERE to go and NOTHING to do with them. And now, it feels like, I won't even have a rec room for them to run freely around in. Instead, I have to live with constant mess and activity and craziness in my living room. And Squishy waking up Katie in the middle of the night or vice versa. No training them to beds cuz there's no room. Piles everywhere cuz there's no room left in the house. The living room/dining room is already overcrowded cuz there's nowhere to put the extra shelves and cupboards to hold six people's stuff. And winter to look forward to stuffed alone with small children in a too small house. I may end up going crazy after all...
Friday, September 08, 2006
Disappointed
And here I thought things were going so smoothly for once.... Here's my quick version already written in my other journal:
ARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! This is driving me nuts! Every time I think we've got our ducks lined up, someone shoots one off the lake!! DH stopped in at city hall yesterday and it's gonna cost us $3600 for the BUILDING PERMIT! Er... HELLO?! I must be really new to this cuz how the hell do you justify charging $6 per sq. foot???? OI!!! And the contractor that called yesterday was estimating over the phone that he thought that it was going to end up costing $70,000 to build the addition. And that it could be interesting trying to hire a digger/concrete guy cuz everyone is so busy. He also can't start until October some time. SIGH. This is getting so frustrating and worse... expensive!!! If it keeps going this way, we may end up just saying to heck with it and buying a new house instead. At the rate things are going (again), we may end up having nothing of either way done until next year. Which sucks since I was really hoping for some more space and the babies to have separate rooms so they can learn to sleep in beds instead of cribs (no room for beds in their room!) and a rec room for the kids to play in during winter. Even if we go back to deciding to buy a new house, there's nothing available to buy that's big enough right now. Wrong time of year. Everyone gets posted in the Spring so all the houses are on sale then. BOOOOOooooooo... And we have to come up with all these plans/dimensions/drawings/pics for the city to look at before they agree to a building permit. Ummmm... didn't we already get approved with the other thing we had to pay and wait for? And if they decide they don't like our plans, why did we have to bother with the other thing? And what business is what my house looks like inside is it of theirs???? I beginning to think I'd just like to put the blankets over my head and just let someone tell me what we're doing when everyone else finishes the bullsh*t. Jeez, got any more hoops for me to do loop-de-loops thru? It's like insurance companies and used car salesmen. I hate hate HATE when I feel like I'm being played for the most money possible. Especially when I feel the money I'm paying in isn't being used for anything but lining their pockets and paying for their fancy cars and vacations.
I don't understand the politics, nor do I have the patience for this kind of nonsense. I've cut 'friends' out who play these mental games. Now I have to deal with moronic businesses and companies who are going to play similar mental games only with money involved too? Am I doomed to be surrounded by the corrupt forever???? No wonder I hate polititions and financial institutions and insurance companies and car salesmen. How can one think it's okay to bilk someone out of money for their own advancement or gain? Haven't they ever been on the recieving end of it? Don't they feel guilty? I know that I'm not the only sucker on the planet but it doesn't make me feel any better. I hate getting my hopes up and my excitement up only to have it dashed and destroyed. It takes so much for me to allow myself to hope and dream. I've been hurt and disappointed too many times before. I was really starting to believe that things would come together and that I'd have the freedom to create a really nice space for us. I think for my own sanity and preservation, I'd better cut that short. I'd better save it for when things are finalized. Dreaming has no place in reality.
ARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! This is driving me nuts! Every time I think we've got our ducks lined up, someone shoots one off the lake!! DH stopped in at city hall yesterday and it's gonna cost us $3600 for the BUILDING PERMIT! Er... HELLO?! I must be really new to this cuz how the hell do you justify charging $6 per sq. foot???? OI!!! And the contractor that called yesterday was estimating over the phone that he thought that it was going to end up costing $70,000 to build the addition. And that it could be interesting trying to hire a digger/concrete guy cuz everyone is so busy. He also can't start until October some time. SIGH. This is getting so frustrating and worse... expensive!!! If it keeps going this way, we may end up just saying to heck with it and buying a new house instead. At the rate things are going (again), we may end up having nothing of either way done until next year. Which sucks since I was really hoping for some more space and the babies to have separate rooms so they can learn to sleep in beds instead of cribs (no room for beds in their room!) and a rec room for the kids to play in during winter. Even if we go back to deciding to buy a new house, there's nothing available to buy that's big enough right now. Wrong time of year. Everyone gets posted in the Spring so all the houses are on sale then. BOOOOOooooooo... And we have to come up with all these plans/dimensions/drawings/pics for the city to look at before they agree to a building permit. Ummmm... didn't we already get approved with the other thing we had to pay and wait for? And if they decide they don't like our plans, why did we have to bother with the other thing? And what business is what my house looks like inside is it of theirs???? I beginning to think I'd just like to put the blankets over my head and just let someone tell me what we're doing when everyone else finishes the bullsh*t. Jeez, got any more hoops for me to do loop-de-loops thru? It's like insurance companies and used car salesmen. I hate hate HATE when I feel like I'm being played for the most money possible. Especially when I feel the money I'm paying in isn't being used for anything but lining their pockets and paying for their fancy cars and vacations.
I don't understand the politics, nor do I have the patience for this kind of nonsense. I've cut 'friends' out who play these mental games. Now I have to deal with moronic businesses and companies who are going to play similar mental games only with money involved too? Am I doomed to be surrounded by the corrupt forever???? No wonder I hate polititions and financial institutions and insurance companies and car salesmen. How can one think it's okay to bilk someone out of money for their own advancement or gain? Haven't they ever been on the recieving end of it? Don't they feel guilty? I know that I'm not the only sucker on the planet but it doesn't make me feel any better. I hate getting my hopes up and my excitement up only to have it dashed and destroyed. It takes so much for me to allow myself to hope and dream. I've been hurt and disappointed too many times before. I was really starting to believe that things would come together and that I'd have the freedom to create a really nice space for us. I think for my own sanity and preservation, I'd better cut that short. I'd better save it for when things are finalized. Dreaming has no place in reality.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name: Purrrkitten
Birthday: 30/05/71
Birthplace: BC
Current Location: AB
Eye Color: green
Hair Color: currently, a kind of reddish brown
Height: 5'2 3/4"
Right Handed or Left Handed: right
Your Heritage: English and Scottish
The Shoes You Wore Today: none so far!! :)
Your Weakness: abusive men who give me sob stories
Your Fears: not being strong enough to stand up for myself
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: To get our house added on to and pay off this stupid debt hanging over my head!!
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: lk;ajsdf;ahsdfkjhlkjsh<--that's falling on my keyboard laughing...
Thoughts First Waking Up: mmmm... I don't think that early...
Your Best Physical Feature: eyes
Your Bedtime: usually between 11.30 and 1 AM
Your Most Missed Memory: ehehehehhe... if it's missing, how will I remember it??? my.. er... innocence... as it were
Pepsi or Coke: homemade diet vanilla coke
MacDonalds or Burger King: Mickie D's!
Single or Group Dates: doesn't matter as long as it's fun!
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: whichever one doesn't taste like real tea
Chocolate or Vanilla: vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee: UGH! I hate coffee of all kinds (chocolate included!!!)
Do you Smoke: tried it for a summer in gr 9 - never inhaled
Do you Swear: when I'm angry
Do you Sing: do I ever stop???
Do you Shower Daily: Yes
Have you Been in Love: obssessed, in a love sorta way. I'm learning what love is really supposed to be like.
Do you want to get Married: maybe again someday when I feel I'm ready to handle the mind set that tends to come with the word "wife"
Do you belive in yourself: I do now!!! And my belief gets stronger every day!
Do you get Motion Sickness: No
Do you think you are Attractive: Well, I'm no hollywood beauty but I have some attractive bits... ;)
Are you a Health Freak: Not even close, BUD!
Do you get along with your Parents: Now that all depends. On the surface, yes, I suppose. Below on deeper issues, definately not.
Do you like Thunderstorms: Yes
Do you play an Instrument: Piano, guitar
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Yes
In the past month have you Smoked: Nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date: Yep, we try to when we can!
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Yes
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: Ewwwwwwwwwww... NO!!
In the past month have you been on Stage: No :(
In the past month have you been Dumped: No
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Maybe Darren's heart... ehehhehehe
Ever been Drunk: Once or twice
Ever been Beaten up: Pushed around a few times. Punched a couple of people, mostly in defense of others
Ever Shoplifted: stole library books as a kid
How do you want to Die: peacefully
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: awww... do I have to grow up?? An actress and a mom... :)
What country would you most like to Visit: South America or Scotland
Number of CDs I own: like I could count them all!!!!!
Number of Piercings: 5
Number of Tattoos: 4
Number of things in my Past I Regret: nothing. I've learned from everything I've had happen to me. I'm the person I am today from my experiences. And I'm getting better! I'm learning from the past and changing my future with the knowledge I've gained.
Thanks, Urban Fox! I love these things!!! :)
Birthday: 30/05/71
Birthplace: BC
Current Location: AB
Eye Color: green
Hair Color: currently, a kind of reddish brown
Height: 5'2 3/4"
Right Handed or Left Handed: right
Your Heritage: English and Scottish
The Shoes You Wore Today: none so far!! :)
Your Weakness: abusive men who give me sob stories
Your Fears: not being strong enough to stand up for myself
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: To get our house added on to and pay off this stupid debt hanging over my head!!
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: lk;ajsdf;ahsdfkjhlkjsh<--that's falling on my keyboard laughing...
Thoughts First Waking Up: mmmm... I don't think that early...
Your Best Physical Feature: eyes
Your Bedtime: usually between 11.30 and 1 AM
Your Most Missed Memory: ehehehehhe... if it's missing, how will I remember it??? my.. er... innocence... as it were
Pepsi or Coke: homemade diet vanilla coke
MacDonalds or Burger King: Mickie D's!
Single or Group Dates: doesn't matter as long as it's fun!
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: whichever one doesn't taste like real tea
Chocolate or Vanilla: vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee: UGH! I hate coffee of all kinds (chocolate included!!!)
Do you Smoke: tried it for a summer in gr 9 - never inhaled
Do you Swear: when I'm angry
Do you Sing: do I ever stop???
Do you Shower Daily: Yes
Have you Been in Love: obssessed, in a love sorta way. I'm learning what love is really supposed to be like.
Do you want to get Married: maybe again someday when I feel I'm ready to handle the mind set that tends to come with the word "wife"
Do you belive in yourself: I do now!!! And my belief gets stronger every day!
Do you get Motion Sickness: No
Do you think you are Attractive: Well, I'm no hollywood beauty but I have some attractive bits... ;)
Are you a Health Freak: Not even close, BUD!
Do you get along with your Parents: Now that all depends. On the surface, yes, I suppose. Below on deeper issues, definately not.
Do you like Thunderstorms: Yes
Do you play an Instrument: Piano, guitar
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Yes
In the past month have you Smoked: Nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date: Yep, we try to when we can!
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Yes
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: Ewwwwwwwwwww... NO!!
In the past month have you been on Stage: No :(
In the past month have you been Dumped: No
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Maybe Darren's heart... ehehhehehe
Ever been Drunk: Once or twice
Ever been Beaten up: Pushed around a few times. Punched a couple of people, mostly in defense of others
Ever Shoplifted: stole library books as a kid
How do you want to Die: peacefully
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: awww... do I have to grow up?? An actress and a mom... :)
What country would you most like to Visit: South America or Scotland
Number of CDs I own: like I could count them all!!!!!
Number of Piercings: 5
Number of Tattoos: 4
Number of things in my Past I Regret: nothing. I've learned from everything I've had happen to me. I'm the person I am today from my experiences. And I'm getting better! I'm learning from the past and changing my future with the knowledge I've gained.
Thanks, Urban Fox! I love these things!!! :)
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