Hmmmm...

When I awoke to the sound of screaming last night, I ended up not being able to get myself back to sleep easily. First, I was worried a bit about the Comet that the babies had gotten into on Monday and the burn it left on Katie's bottom. Thought it might have been hurting her or something. She seemed fine after I gave her some mouth medicine so perhaps it was just teething pain. Then, of course, Leith woke up cuz he can't sleep through her yelling in the same room. Gave him a top up too and put them back to bed. Went back to bed and just lay there thinking and wondering and remembering. Then came up a thought from the past that I have wondered about before...

You know how you can pretty much recall most people you've dated? Especially, when you're young, around the time when you first started dating? I can count 11 people I have dated in my entire life so far and four of them were serious relationships (marriage/engagement/common-law). My first kiss was on a train on a trip across Canada. I was 16. It was a two day relationship. Then I agreed to go out with a gr. 12 guy when I started in gr. 11 purely cuz I was thrilled that someone was interested in me. I was a dorky kid that not many people liked, so having someone attracted to me was the motivating factor for becoming his girlfriend. I ended up breaking up with him (I didn't even really like him as a person, let alone a boyfriend!) after two weeks because he continually tried to pressure me into having sex. I wasn't ready and I certainly wasn't gonna "do it" with a guy I didn't even like!! Then I started going out with a guy I consider my first boyfriend. It lasted three months the first time, three months the second time a year later, and even though I still held a torch for him, I wouldn't start going out with him a third time when he asked. Just out of high school there was a young guy who also didn't understand the meaning of "no". He lasted about five minutes. After college I started going out with my best friend of eight years. We were secrectly engaged and I lost my virginity to him. We broke up after a year and a half. For years, I thought that these were all the guys I'd dated at that time of my life (between 16 and 20). Then one day, I woke up with a memory of a guy with red hair taking me on a date. I dug deep for the memory and wondered why it was so hard. Then it came.

When I was 14, I started going to the college weekend where I was going to attend after high school. I had a family friend who was attending and me and my best girl friend stayed with her on Campus Weekends for two of four years. The first year we stayed, we took an extra day to stay and went to watch the college guys play hockey. While we were there, some weird red-headed guy I'd never met or even seen, started chasing me around and tickling me. I think he must have been about 23/24. It made me feel strange. Sort of thrilled that this man was teasing me and tickling me - flirting with me! - and yet, something was sorta scary too. I didn't know him. I wasn't even close to his age. He knew more about me the next time I saw him - about a year later. He was friendly and flirty and teasing again. Then when I met him at 17, he somehow got my phone number and asked my parents if he could take me on a date. Because he was a 'christian' and going to a Christian college, my parents seemed to think that it would be okay for him to date me. I remember driving in his car, way through downtown and out the other side and up Mount Seymour. It was a good hour to two hour drive there and then again back. I only remember stoplights and sitting in his truck(?). Then I remember being at a lookout spot. He picked me up and set me on the railing and then he kissed me. I remember the lights of the city waaaay below. I remember the balmy air. I remember he tasted smoky. I remember the feel of his (shudder) mustache scraping my skin. I remember nothing after that. But why can't I remember anything else? More than that, why couldn't I remember this date AT ALL until years later? I can remember -not necessarily the details - of the other guys, no problem. So why this block? Most of the time, I don't think about it. Then sometimes it surfaces and I start wondering again. I guess last night was the night to recall what little I can remember. It reminds me of the weird things I remember from my first rape. Feelings and snapshot pictures in my mind. Certain smells and sounds. Or lack thereof. I don't remember other dates or guys like that. It's kinda creepy. Perhaps I just don't want to remember.

Things that make you go "hmmmm..."