Responsibility

I'm tired of being responsible.

As I've mentioned before, I've been married twice and both times the men were financially irresponsible. A spent most of the three years we were together, letting me work and pay for everything while he went to school or slacked off. There was a time near the end when I was working three jobs and he was getting fired from one while having an affair at the same time. When I left, he had maxed out all the credit cards (all in his name, as I had no credit being young) and owed $13,000 in education funds. He flunked his automotive course for not being in class often enough. He spent more time skipping with his dad. Or watching too many movies so was "too tired" to get up. After I left, he harrassed me about paying some of the debt and, because I left, I felt guilty enough to pay him money. I paid for our divorce, gave him funds when he asked for them and paid off a $600 credit card. I took nothing of 'ours' when I left. I started again with nothing. I barely left with my sanity - certainly not my innocence of people nor my orginal sexuality. He took a lot more than my money.

Then I spent nine years with the next husband. We lived in a 1930's house on a rotting farm, then get a loan (from a "friend") for $30,000 on two decrepit trailers (from this "friend") to live beside his family who took over the house. We got a $25,000 Line Of Credit to pay off the credit debt and car. I wanted to cut up all the cards but one but he refused. When I left, again I took nothing except my car and my piano (and my kids, of course). Orginally, the deal was that he would not pay child support and instead pay off the debts. I had the kids for a week then he'd have them for a week so that I could work to support myself and them. I started to get annoyed with that cuz I would have them for a week (taking the week off during the summer) and then he'd take them to his mother's for free babysitting while he went to work, half the time not even coming home to spend time with them but hanging out with his new girlfriend and getting drunk. When I got pregnant and was home anyways, I decided to take them full time. Eventually, he moved one of the trailers and another dumpy one into town to live in a trailer court. He bought himself a new 2003 Mustang to drive around town in. So he now has rent, power, water, car payment, insurance, LOC, and cards to pay. The kids spend weekends at his house. At first, he has no power. Can't afford it and it gets cut off (in the middle of winter!!). Then his pipes freeze and he has to tear up the floor so a plumber can replumb the lines. Then he misses a couple of car payments. Ford starts yelling at him so he drives it up to the lot and leaves it there. Then he misses the rent a few times. "Friend" takes back the trailers, giving him nothing and telling him that he's lucky he doesn't charge him another $1500 or so for taking it back. ("Friend" has subsequiently sold those trailers for around $45 - 50,000.) He emptied out the trailers by throwing most of the stuff in it into the back of a pickup and taking it to the dump. (No selling here!) He moves into a 2 rm apartment a couple of blocks down from us. So now he has rent, power, LOC, and cards. Oh and his cel phone. Then last Sept. I get a phone call from my soon-to-be-ex-mother-in-law. She says, "The bank has been phoning and phoning here and asking for you. You'd better call them and straighten this out." I think, what?!?!?! I call and the woman on the other line chews me a new one, even though I tell her that I haven't been with J for a year and a half and I've got new twin babies and not working. She doesn't care cuz she's been calling for months. I apologize, telling her I had no idea and the circumstances of our breakup (he's supposed to be paying). She says she'll call him and I warn her that he won't answer or return her calls. This is nothing new, as I had to deal with this for the 9 yrs I was with him. So for the next four months, I recieve nasty phone calls from the bank (until I review the story with them and they look at their computer info - uh hello?). Finally, I ask them if they've got his new address. They give me the one from two moves ago along with his mom's phone number. I tell them he's moved and give them the new info. Oh, we can't use that unless he tells us he's moved. Uh, what? You think he's gonna phone you and tell you that he's moved so you can phone and harrass him??? Finally, after the third time of me telling them this and them marking it on the computer, I get a guy who's smart enough to make sure that they send their threatening letters to his old address AND his new one. Finally, J has to read the nasty letters that I've been getting for months and passing on to him, along with the phone calls that he never answers. Right before Christmas, I'm told that if I/we don't start paying, they'll take us to court. I immediately sit down with J and tell him that he has until I recieve a letter stating they're taking me to court to get in touch and start paying or I file for back child support when I finish up the divorce papers. He calls and tells them that he can send $80 and they laugh at him. So he hangs up and hasn't contacted them since. When I recieved the letter, I filed my divorce papers (I didn't sue for back support - I figured, can't get blood from a stone) and filed for child support. (Guess who pays for the $1500 divorce? ME!) I call the credit company and work out a deal with them to start paying with the child support money. I'm getting enough from family check and child support to pay $600 a month. I've been paying since Febuary. Along comes this year's family check. Yikes!! It's been cut $604 cuz now I'm common-law with D. I can no longer afford to pay $600 a month. Every month, I call and leave a message with the conformation number and the amount I've paid. I've been keeping tabs and so far I've paid $3,380. And J has paid... NONE. I ask if they've still been phoning him. Oh, yes, they say. I don't believe them. Then one day I ask again and Freida says, "Holy cow, you weren't kidding about him never answering the phone! I've been phoning every few days for another debt he owes us for and he never answers and never calls back!!" Do you think she's been phoning him like she's been telling me? I don't. That pisses me off. BTW, the debt has turned out to be $26,137.68 because he didn't pay it for six months. So I still have just over $23,000 left. Technically, I am only responsible for $13,000 of it but legally, cuz my john hancock is on the paperwork as a co-signer, I am responsible for ALL OF IT. I've been told that the only way I can get out of that is by sueing J for the other half. Do I have time for this? Or funds for this? I am raising four children and only D is working. Thank God he has a great job!!!

So, I want to know what he spends his money on every month. He gets at least $2400/month from his paychecks. So let's say Rent:$600 (BTW, he now has a roommate so it's more like half that!) Power:$80 Child Support:$600 Phone: $50 Credit Cards:$150 (which it doesn't sound like he's paying either) - That leaves $920 for food and other stuff. Someone tell me why he can't afford a car or to pay the LOC or his other bills? He has to feed himself mostly and 6 meals with the two kids (that'd be a box of cereal, some bread/fruit/snacks and something for dinner twice) per week. We feed SIX people for FIVE days and four people for the other two. We also pay for all their clothes, toys, school supplies/activities and whatever else they want/need.

I was going to just hope that I got enough of a settlement from the car accident to pay this off. I hate having it hanging over my head. But, I was watching Judge Judy yesterday. There was some young woman sueing for $500 for a bill. JJ said, "When you're older, you'll understand that $500 is nothing. It's an oops, I guess I'd better learn from it." Yah, I did that oops back with A. Did I learn from it? Apparently not. Here I sit, spewing about paying for an entire debt of thousands of dollars that is only half mine. I am toying with the idea of filing for bankruptcy when my half is paid. My credit is already screwed from this. Problem: If I get my settlement and it is enough to pay the entire amount, I probably will be ineligable to file. I want to use what I get as a settlement to help pay for our addition loan - another $70,000 on our mortgage. I shouldn't have to take away from us and our future to pay for the past of which I am not even responsible for! How do I make J be a man and pay up without sueing him? Now you see my dilemma.

I'm tired of being responsible.