Play Time Again.

Here I am again. Read our paper yesterday. Found at the bottom of a page tickets to the next play at the church. I knew it was coming and yet every time, it stabs me in the heart and I want to cry my eyes out. And then I get angry that it still hurts me after almost three years. I talked with DH some more about it. I worry that he'll soon get tired of me bringing up my pain every time there's a play and tell me to get over it like my mom would. I feel guilty that it doesn't go away. How do I explain the deep sadness in my soul - a longing for the fulfillment doing a play once gave me? Hmmm... maybe I should start like this:

I am a creative person. I am artistic - music, writing, drawing - almost to the exclusion of mathmatics. Most people are somewhere between the super mathmatics and the super artistic, whereas they have a touch of both. I am waaaay over on the artistic side and the math side is seriously lacking. Most people can memorize a math theory and muddle their way thru basic algebra problems without understanding how it works. I can't. If it doesn't "make sense" to me, I cannot answer the problem no matter how many ways of getting to the answer I memorize. Geometry is a nightmare. Anything with letters instead of numbers is terrifying. Physics? Forget it. Anyways, I have always excelled at music, acting, writing, drawing. As a young girl, most times, I couldn't distiguish reality from fantasy. My mind was a treasure of imagination and still is. I have a decent voice (I've been told excellent but I hesitate to say it) that I love to use. I've always adored acting in skits and tried to volunteer for any that came my way. There was just something so... magical... about becoming someone or something I'm not and doing it in such a way that people see me as that person. A truly good actor is someone who, during the show, has people thinking of them as whatever character they're playing, not their usual selves. Look at Hollywood actors! The best films have those who play the most believable characters.
Now, all my life, I've been told that there's something wrong with me. That my acting and singing and artistic abilities are silly and useless. They can't make a living for you or support your family (meaning your future husband and children). They are bogus mistakes and that I should try to find a "normal" job and have more common sense than to enjoy doing something so silly. Grow up and move on from "childish" things. I hesitatingly mentioned something about doing musicals or opera as a teen and was soundly rebuffed and laughed at and humiliated for being foolish. "People who get into that kind of thing have been working at it since they were kids, unlike you." Except, I thought that's what singing in a professional children's choir could do for me. And what about all those who break into acting (I don't want to be a hollywood movie star!) as adults and do very well? So. For years, I believed that I was flawed and foolish and my talents were some huge cosmic joke/mistake. I never searched out any theatre groups when I became old enough to not need permission. I never took any chances on learning to use my talents and abilities to their best intent. I ran off and married the first man who looked at me so I could have someone to 'take care of me' since I was, apparently, so unsuited to do so myself. I spent a few years slaving away at clothing stores and restaurants for a pittance. Radio Shack and McDonald's love someone like me who works harder than most other employees cuz they don't have to pay me what I'm worth. I've never made more than $10/hr (once back when I taught piano - something I DID NOT EVER WANT TO DO!! My mother always told me I should teach piano. The gall I had to swallow when I told her that I'd been offered and accepted a job as a piano teacher was sickening for me.) and, even this last time, I was making $8.50/hr - after my huge .10 raise. BTW, minimum wage is $8 here. Pretty difficult to survive paying rent, food, bills for yourself and two kids on that kind of money...
Back to things... When I moved here and joined the church, one of the fellas was trying to start up a drama club. I jumped at the chance. After I did my first skit, people were coming up to me and saying, "Wow! I never knew that you were so talented at acting!" And that was only a skit! We started a play and I was one of the starring characters. We rehearsed for six weeks straight. Almost every day for two hours. I helped build the set. I helped buy the props. I was the first to memorize my lines. I spent hours on that set, just sitting there in the silence of a near empty church, listening to the thoughts in my head. It was the happiest I'd been in many many years. I found a Christian book that talked about artistic gifts being from God and no mistake at all. I knew in my heart that this was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. That, finally, I was doing what I was supposed to be doing all along! Suddenly, I resented that I was a mother, that I'd never had the chance to try to follow my dreams. I resented that I'd had to wait until I was 30 years old to finally understand what my career would have/should have been. I was angry and I felt cheated. I couldn't understand my neediness, my insecurity, my fears of being alone and unable to fend for myself. Where did they come from? How could I not have tried to get into something that I had so loved to do all along? Why had I listened to my mother? I did four plays and many skits over the course of two years and I loved every one of them. I was so absorbed in them when I was a part of them. I was so happy doing them. And so depressed when they were all finished. I could barely wait for the next one to start. The last play, the one where I fell "in love" (obssession) with my male counterpart, I was so depressed at the end of it, I could hardly breathe. I knew that everything was falling apart and I couldn't understand why I was destroying my life again. I couldn't understand my motivation. I was having a difficult time handling my grief and emotional pain. Then when P. tore the rest of my life out of my grasp, I sincerely thought of swimming out into the cold, half frozen lake until I was too far out to get back. The coldness and ugliness inside me would only have helped the hypothermic lake to consume me faster. He took my drama and held it out of reach. He mocked my grief and pain and used it as sermon fodder. He never once tried to understand the motivating factors behind my actions, nor not condemn me. He, who was like my father to me as well as my friend, treated me like I had deliberately turned against HIM, betrayed HIM and that, somehow, I must be enjoying watching the life I'd built crumble around me. I see him now and he tries to command me. I only dig in my heels and back away further. My trust in people has been so damaged, I fear I'll never recover it. I still have pain where my acting has been cut off, just like phantom pain in a phantom limb that has been sheared off of it's trunk. Seeing the reviews in our little paper cuts like a knife on scar tissue, making the wound anew and scarring even more. Last year, when I saw that L's wife was one of the main characters, I felt it like a stab in the heart. I felt like it was a jab at me to show me how she was allowed to take my place as the wounded party (egocentrical, I know). However, I'm pretty sure she and L are back together and she probably treats him even worse than before since he'll have come back with his tail between his legs. Everyone only gets one side of the story and forgets the other or chooses to ignore it. And yet, I am responsible for that too. I can't - won't - tell anyone the deeper side of my issues. How can I when it can be used as a weapon against me? How can I when the people who are supposed to be trustworthy spread it like the Enquirer? How can I when fear of their wicked thoughts and gossiping paralyzes my tongue, effectively freezing it to the roof of my dry mouth? How can I trust anyone?
So I read our town paper and I feel the knife twist in my guts when I find the press on each play and actor. I feel the anger and pain anew when I realize that even if I were attending the church, P would not "allow" me to audition or even be a part of it. There are no other performing arts groups in this town anymore. My "friend's" theatre group out of the church is a non-profit organization that I am on the leading committee for. I signed on all the legal paperwork to be a part of this non-profit organization. In fact, I am the first on all the paperwork after K! K has his own company too. One that he's done a couple of plays for. He asked me to be in the first one, which fell through, but since having the twins, he hasn't contacted me or asked me again. I suspect it's because C, his wife, has a hate-on for me now. Sad, since we used to be friends. K is one of the few who doesn't treat me like an outcast. But to keep the peace with his very strong willed wife, I believe he'll never ask me again.
I have come to the decision that I will act again. I don't know when and I'm not sure how yet, but I will find something in some town close enough to here that I can join and perform in. I still believe that God has given me this talent as a gift and that no man has the right to take away that which God has given. I believe that with the strength and understanding of the motivating factors of my past, I can face a future doing the thing I love without landing in the pitfalls of obssession with another 'broken' abusive man that I can 'fix'. I believe that the more time I spend repairing the damage of emotional abuse, the more power I have over my future. I will succeed!!

Dryad, Loving Too Much is your primary love story!

The Loving Too Much story stems from your overflowing love and hope. Sometimes, however, it can be muddied by misguided feelings, expectations and sometimes, an unrequited desire. The people you're most attracted to are usually just out of reach and all the more alluring for it — like those early crushes on teen idols. The less available your partner is, emotionally and physically, the more desirable he becomes. You daydream, and your imagination fills in the details that reality hasn't provided. Do you ever seek out indirect contact with this person, visiting his workplace or getting to know his friends? Do you find yourself dreaming about marriage after a second date, or perhaps after a quick affair? The hit film "Fatal Attraction" illustrates an extreme version of the Loving Too Much story — taking it to abnormal levels. What it doesn't fully explore is the capacity for love that you probably possess. People who share your story have plenty to offer, but they tend to put too much love into someone they shouldn't. Some people also interpret their partner's actions as they want to, not necessarily as they were intended. Sometimes this happens because they spend more time focusing on the fantasy of a relationship rather than the reality of one. It is also possible that you assign characteristics of your last love to the person you are dating. Psychologists see people projecting all the time. Projecting feelings about one person onto another. Do you know the person you have developed feelings for, or are you projecting what they might be like because they seem to match what you want in life? Do you fall for anyone in a lab coat because you want to marry a doctor? Do you ignore strong feelings for a long-time friend because he isn't a doctor? The Greeks had Venus and the Romans had Aphrodite. Your archetypal love story has been filling the pages of literature and poetry for centuries, though recently it's been negatively promoted by Hollywood. In film, the extreme form of your story can be found in the stalker of "Play Misty for Me." But let's not forget the classic "Cyrano De Bergerac," whose obsession with a woman is stymied by his fear she'll reject him over the size of his nose. In a more contemporary version of the tale, "The Truth About Cats and Dogs," Janeane Garofalo plays a woman obsessed with a man she's too afraid to court herself. These love stories are powerful precisely because they are shared by so many. Though the settings change, the story remains the same. Loving Too Much is about the things in life that you don't think you can have, then learning to create a more realistic ideal for yourself and your partner. It's about working through the fear of rejection, insecurities, and overwhelming longing to love wholly and completely.

How your love story affects you and your relationships
Absence certainly makes your heart grow fonder — especially when it comes to your love story. Do you embrace romances that are, by necessity, somewhat distant? Do you gravitate towards long-distant relationships or affairs with married people? Do you tend to feel the people you're interested in are always unavailable or out of your league? When you fall, do you fall hard, or do you immediately develop feelings for someone else? When a relationship ends, do you take it personally? And when it comes to crushes, do you find yourself thinking about the person while you're buying a new pair of shoes, doing laundry, drying your hair? Some people also go out of their way to grab their crush's attention. When you're in a relationship, you might go all out: flowers, dinners, gifts and notes. Sometimes these gestures are appreciated; but sometimes they come off as coming on too strong. Your take-charge attitude isn't limited to things of love. You might be assertive in your career, and other relationships as well. You may be overcompensating for an earlier disappointment by overachieving in current realms of your life. If your undivided attention to your partner arises out of wanting someone who's out of reach, you might fill your life with as many cues to that person as possible. Is your closet stuffed with photographs, favorite songs, old emails, and other mementos? Do you repeatedly go over real and imagined scenarios — chance meetings and romantic encounters — in your mind? If the object of your desire is someone who rejected you, these feelings may be even stronger. You imagine that getting back together will magically erase painful feelings of sadness and anger. Regardless of how your past stories have played out, you are capable of finding the right person. Just make sure you're not lying to yourself or to him and let go of past fears of rejection and inadequacy. Your love story has a happy ending after all. An ending that will appreciate just how deeply you give yourself to your relationships.

How to avoid common mistakes
Obsession is a natural thing — it's how we maintain that rush of excitement after first meeting someone. Thoughts about them dominate our brains almost as if we can spend more time with them in our heads even if we can't spend more time with them physically. But if these initial thoughts and fantasies go on for too long, if they become compulsive, you're heading down the wrong path. If you allow thoughts about this potential partner to distract you from your responsibilities or from doing things that you used to like to do, you might want to stop for a moment and question yourself. Have you grown out of your previous hobbies because it was time, or because you are trying to be someone new for this person? That's not always a bad thing, but it is something you should at least ask yourself. Also, find the courage to think about why you are interested in this person in particular. Does he look like someone you once dated — could that be why you overlook some of his less attractive qualities? Does he share a profession or background common to someone you wish you were still with? If so, challenge yourself and the possibility that you are projecting past feelings onto a current relationship. Even if you are, you can redirect your attention and learn to focus more on getting to know this man. You may even surprise yourself and discover that his unique qualities are a better match for you than any you could have dreamed up on your own.

How to recognize someone who's healthy for you
The difference between a healthy relationship and past ones is the feelings are mutual. No more heart-wrenching breakups followed by long, slow recovery periods for you! With patience and devotion, you'll land a great catch. You'll feel good about yourself, confident that the relationship is strong. And what a relief that your significant other will feel the same way. If the roots of your complete focus on your partner lie in insecurity, then a healthy relationship will only be with someone who adores you for who you are and makes you feel great about yourself. Although a long-distance relationship might work out for you, in general you'll get more fulfillment in the long run out of a person who's more available. As with all love stories, yours is just a story — though one that affects you deeply. You can find ways to use your drive in positive ways, pushing you to improve yourself or make the most of a happy relationship. Knowing your story and its roots in your psychology and life experiences, you also have the power to move beyond it, letting go of those huge crushes once and for all and finding yourself a love that will indeed endure the test of time.

From: http://web.tickle.com/tests/lovestory/paidresult.jsp

Dryad, your holiday theme song is White Christmas

Looks like you might be the sentimentalist in the crowd. You, more than others, revel in the nostalgia of the season. Some may think it's a little bit sappy, but you can't help it if you feel all gushy at the first sight of snow, the scent of evergreens, or the first airing of It's a Wonderful Life.

You're one who picks up on traditions, and you probably like to pass them on, as well. That ornament over there, we bet it has a good story attached to it. Truth is, Santa himself probably couldn't spread as much Christmas spirit as you're capable of. While others are mired in materialism, you keep the holiday's true meaning closer to your heart. So keep on dreaming of a white Christmas with every Christmas card you write. May your days be merry and bright. And may all your Christmases be white.

***What's your secret power?***
YOU'RE A VISIONARY
Secret Strength: intuition. Words to describe you: idealistic, sensitive, articulate, empathetic. Power profile: You're the ultimate people person. With your excellent listening skills, you "hear" what people aren't saying as well as what they are saying. (Psst! Your gut tells you!) You see right through someone who's putting on a happy face when they're dying inside, and you know just how to get them to open up about it and work through it. Because you divide your energy among lots of people (you've got tons of friends), you sometimes end up putting your own goals on the back burner. Still, when you do dream, you dream big because you not only see what is, but what could be and what should be. It's a rare skill to have! How to work it: How many times have you ignored your instincts and listened to someone else's advice? And how many times have you thought, "I should've gone with my gut!"? Let that be your mantra, girlfriend. Use that amazing intuition to let your own personal truth lead you to your success. The next time you've got some life dilemma and friends give you their input, go spend some time alone to reconnect with yourself. Write down everyone else's thoughts so you have them (after all, their advice doesn't always suck). Then pretend a friend came to you with this same problem. What would you tell her? That first reaction is what you should follow-even if you have to go against the grain. Whether you want to start your own magazine, direct a film, or do anything that makes someone ask,"How are you ever going to do that?" just know you'll find a way. People in high places will be impressed with your faith in yourself and put a nice paycheck behind it! Dream Jobs: Activist, kindergarten teacher, psychologist, songwriter, defense lawyer, editor-in-chief, public relations executive, sports recruiter, theater director, talent agent, foreign ambassador, fashion photographer.
What's your secret power?http://quiz.ivillage.com/cosmogirl/tests/April2005-SecretPower.htm