Ovarian cyst. Doesn’t sound like much. You hear about them as vague stories. Occasionally someone will mention one. But what are they?
I am writing this for those women who are experiencing what I have or are wondering what is happening or could happen with them. I am writing for those who are looking for a way to help deal with the after effects that seem to linger for awhile. It is a week today that my 4.5cm by 5cm cyst ruptured on my way home from vacation.
Let me start by explaining that I am no stranger to pain. I have born three pregnancies, miscarried a fourth. All were born vaginally, the first and second 8lbs 7oz and 8lbs respectively. Four months pregnant with twins, I was in a car accident which left a torn labrum, lower back muscle damage and, unbeknownst to me for a few years, a fractured pelvis. I have lived with the accident damage for 4.5 years and hope to get the surgery to fix it soon.
After an MRI to discover why I still have hip pain after so long, the results came back plus an added blurb stating I had a rather large cyst on my right ovary. Having never had such a thing and mistakenly believing that if it were something needing to be worried about I would be informed by my doctor, I left for a two week vacation. We drove through the Rocky Mountains to visit family on the other side, camping along the way and back. While visiting, I went to a therapist who gave me pelvic exercises to strengthen my core for surgery. I noticed that after doing them, I would experience an achy pain along my right lower belly. I foolishly assumed it was just my other hip compensating for the damaged one and causing trouble. I took Ibuprofen and it went away.
On our second day of driving through mountains, the pelvic pain came back. I took Ibuprofen and waited for it to kick in. Nothing. So I took some more. The pain got worse. I thought okay, maybe I just need to go to the bathroom really badly. Who wants to go to the hospital with nothing but a bad tummy ache? We stopped at a rest stop. Nope, it wasn’t that. We started to drive and the pain became intense; very similar to having my second child. It was as though someone had thrust a sword through my stomach, pelvis, and right side all the way to my lower back. Pain wrapped itself down the front of my thigh to my knee. It felt like the sword was not being thrust in over and over but being spun around while still inside my guts. Trying to keep my 3 year old twins from becoming upset and making the 45 minute drive to the nearest place large enough to have a hospital worse, I hunched over my belly and tried to breathe like Lamaze teaches. Because the staff wasn’t sure if it was appendicitis or a cyst, after an IV, blood test and some more morphine, I was ambulanced off in a 3 hour ride to the city.
In the city hospital, there were more blood tests and the doctor confirmed that I’d “blown a cyst”. I asked through a haze of pain and morphine if that was like in NASCAR when they blow a tire and hit the wall. He eyed my navel ring and stated that it couldn’t hurt worse than that. I looked at him like he was daft. He told me that if I lived in the city I would have been sent home and had to come back for an ultrasound in the morning but, being an out-of-towner, I was given a bed for the night.
Bright and early they came to do the ultrasound. First, the type they do when you’re pregnant. Then out came the “wand” with the warning of, “This may be a little uncomfortable but it shouldn’t hurt.” Well, it might not have hurt if the cyst hadn’t ruptured but shoving a large object up my kooch and plowing around trying to get good views of all the cysts (apparently, there are more in there) was, dare I say, rather good at producing pain! There the four of us were, all huddled in the dark, watching (well, they were) the screen change as the male tech waved his magic wand, eerie blue light throwing ugly shadows on the darkened machinery. It was like we were doing something dark and dirty; the makings of a sordid secret. I kept my flinching to myself and when I got back to my room, grittily asked for more pain medication.
Another set of blood work to find out if I had any infection resulting from the “blow out”. None so I was sent on my way after instruction given to have a repeat ultrasound after my next period. I had requested painkillers for the 4 hour drive home and so was sick from dehydration when I finally arrived home.
The next day, I am wondering what the heck happened to me. My stomach was bloated. I had terrible diarrhea (sorry but I must be blunt since no one else is willing to do so) and pain if I stood for more than a few minutes. I assumed it was everything I’d been through making its way out of my system. Three days later, it’s still going on. I’m still bloated. I’m still having diarrhea but not quite as often. I get on my computer to research cysts.
It’s all the same information. What they are (in layman’s terms: small, blister-like formations inside the body that can be found throughout 80-90% of women, may be cancerous but very unlikely, usually watery fluid but occasionally bloody), the different types (generally but not explained much), how they check for them (pelvic exams and ultrasounds, sometimes MRI’s if they get big enough), what they do if they’re concerned (“Watchful Waiting” meaning: either it goes away on its own, ruptures, or if it gets too big, they operate and remove it). Also, the pill can be prescribed for certain types which are considered the “treatment” for them.
There is no mention of the aftermath. I think perhaps because most medical articles seem to be written by men, they haven’t the complete understanding of just how much something like this can hurt nor of how long complete recovery seems to take. Wikipedia was the only place I found any reference to 4-10 days of recovery time and some ideas to help the symptoms. I asked about and a few women told me of their own experiences. Most had not had a rupture but of the few that did, they described it as being extremely painful and similar to my own experience of aftermath. Because there is so little information on how to make the fluid remaining to escape faster or recover faster, I am writing what I learned.
THERE IS NOTHING THAT WILL MAKE IT GO FASTER.
But there are a few things that will aggravate it! You need to rest up for as long as it takes (between the 4 and 10 days). Don’t lift anything if you can possibly help it! I know how hard that is to do if you have work or kids or you’re on your own even. Life doesn’t stop because you hurt. But, take it from me; lifting will not help you in any way positive!
I asked for any advice from anyone I could think of (doctor, chiropractor, holistic healers, women who’ve been there) and these are the things I found. Some may work; others may not do anything for you.
- Ibuprofen (around 600 mg at a time, max 3x a day) or Tylenol. The painkillers given to me at were Morphine and Percocet to get home with. I don’t recommend either of those unless the pain is unbearable.
- Heating pad or hot water bottle is absolutely excellent for the cramping sensation. There was mention of icing occasionally as well.
- Warm bath with lavender essential oil or chamomile (both?) essential oil to help draw out any excess toxins in your body.
- Chamomile tea and lavender tea were suggested both to drink and to try using as a poultice on the affected area. I have also been putting a small drop of lavender essence on each foot.
- Milk Thistle was suggested as a possible preventative. Vitamin A and B may help, as well. There is currently some testing of Chinese herbs in conjunction of cyst prevention and recovery but I don’t have any real information on it.
- Reflexology and Reiki may be beneficial. Foot reflexology is gentle and not manipulating the actual parts that hurt. Reiki is a hands-off, meditative type of healing.
- There are a few different types of healing crystals that may work for you too. I’m a big believer in “It may sound funny but if it works I’m willing to try it!” so I’ll tell you the ones I know of. There may be more out there. Carnelian, hematite, azurite, malachite, moonstone, turquoise, chrysocolla, peridot – there are quite a few and I think it depends what you are drawn to, as well.
It’s been a week since my 4.5 by 5cm cyst ruptured and I’m finally starting to feel better. I hope my experience can save you some time and unhappy energy looking for ways to make yourself feel better.
Some helpful links:
- Virtual MD https://ssl.search.live.com/health/article.aspx?id=articles%2fmc%2fpages%2f0%2fDS00129.html&qu=ovarian%20cysts&focus
- Wikipedia *** http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ovarian_cyst
- Military Obstetrics & Gynecology Adnexal Masses http://www.brooksidepress.org/Products/Military_OBGYN/Textbook/Problems/OvarianNeoplasm.htm Warning: graphic pictures Only reference is “resting for a period” to recover.
- Your Total Health http://yourtotalhealth.ivillage.com/ovarian-cyst-what-happens-when-ruptures.html
- Ruptured Ovarian Cyst *** Talks about it as serious instead of glossing over everything! http://www.rupturedovariancyst.com/Complications_of_a_Ruptured_Ovarian_Cyst.html
Friday, August 15, 2008
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Renovations!!
We've been spending a lot of time doing minor renovations before the big one starts at the end of the month. I'm so excited!!!! The contractor says that the excavator is booked for the end of May. The house reno should take approximately three months to finish. And we'll have a beautiful new set of rooms for the kids! And a bigger closet for us. And a rec room. WOW!!!
So far, DH and I have torn up the carpet in living room and dining room, put in laminate floor. I put beautiful blue ceramic tiles in the front entrance piece - tiled, grouted and sealed myself! I/we drywalled, mudded, painted, linoleumed, facilitated the quarter bathroom downstairs. I painted it a dark sea-blue and stenciled fish and bubbles everywhere. I hand painted details on the fish and sea critters. It looks really cool - like walking into an underwater world! I love it and I'm very proud of it!!
Last month, we've been outside in the yard. We cut a path through the shrubs in the back by the shed. I lined it with stones from the old pond and put solar lights along it. There are gnomes and fairies and jeweled insects, a birdhouse and feeder. I'm planting flowers by the pile of large rocks by the fence so there's a pretty spot to sit at. We pulled out the horrible karreganas that bite and when finished clearing it all out along the back fence, putting in some emerald evergreen aborvitae to hide the yard from outside it. I set up my flowerbed. I have designed how I want my new pond to look like. We had to remove the old setup cuz the diggers would be running over it. I want to tear out the railroad ties lining the driveway and plant flowers there too. The ant nests inside might be an icky problem. We want to build a playhouse/fort for the kids at the back of my path but that will wait til we have some leftovers from the renos to use.
All in all, I'm having a lot of fun designing the house and the yard. DH is pleased with my results and he is more than willing to help create the finished product. I got myself a real wonderful man this time. I'm greatful.
Onwards and upwards!!!
So far, DH and I have torn up the carpet in living room and dining room, put in laminate floor. I put beautiful blue ceramic tiles in the front entrance piece - tiled, grouted and sealed myself! I/we drywalled, mudded, painted, linoleumed, facilitated the quarter bathroom downstairs. I painted it a dark sea-blue and stenciled fish and bubbles everywhere. I hand painted details on the fish and sea critters. It looks really cool - like walking into an underwater world! I love it and I'm very proud of it!!
Last month, we've been outside in the yard. We cut a path through the shrubs in the back by the shed. I lined it with stones from the old pond and put solar lights along it. There are gnomes and fairies and jeweled insects, a birdhouse and feeder. I'm planting flowers by the pile of large rocks by the fence so there's a pretty spot to sit at. We pulled out the horrible karreganas that bite and when finished clearing it all out along the back fence, putting in some emerald evergreen aborvitae to hide the yard from outside it. I set up my flowerbed. I have designed how I want my new pond to look like. We had to remove the old setup cuz the diggers would be running over it. I want to tear out the railroad ties lining the driveway and plant flowers there too. The ant nests inside might be an icky problem. We want to build a playhouse/fort for the kids at the back of my path but that will wait til we have some leftovers from the renos to use.
All in all, I'm having a lot of fun designing the house and the yard. DH is pleased with my results and he is more than willing to help create the finished product. I got myself a real wonderful man this time. I'm greatful.
Onwards and upwards!!!
More Stuff
Wow! Long time, no ... er ... see!
I thought I'd come and write here now. It's been a long while because I'd been blogging at another site. However, since making "friends" at that site, so much infighting and meaness has occured lately, that I've decided that it's not good for my emotional health to feel like I'm being forced into picking and choosing what I say to who about what. It's stupid to be lumped into a category along with one group or another, even though I didn't say one word and tried to keep out of the fighting all together. So whatever. I don't care anymore. If that's what you think I'm about, I'm not gonna waste my time trying to change your mind.
Anyhoo, one more bitching thing before I move on to more interesting stuff. Just want to vent about how very PISSED OFF I AM about the ex again. It seems like EVERY time he's home, something happens with the boys. They can't just go over and we, say, see them happily coming home after having a good time at dads. Here's what happened this time... (BTW, for those that don't know, J has a new girlfriend with two little boys close to my older boys' ages.) My parents decided that they wanted to take the boys to Disneyland this year so, for the last couple of months - basically since just after New Years - we've been going to and from the city to get passports and such for them to be able to travel. It cost us around $1500 to do the whole thing from start to finish. On our end, that is. Not my parents end. Quite a big chunk out of a one-income family of six people. So I told the credit lady that I couldn't pay last month. There was some confusion concerning her new extention number so she ended up phoning back. I told her to give J a call cuz he was home (he'd phoned an hour before!) and she told me that any time she ever phones me (which isn't often cuz I PAY MY BILLS!), she phones him first. He refuses to answer the phone. Nice. But no surprise.
Anyways, I told J when the boys were going and when they'd be back. Normally, he's only home for 5-7 days each month. So instead of waiting til they were home to come back, he comes home five days before so we warned them that they might not get to visit with dad this month. He ended up staying longer which is good for the boys, not so good for his funds. SO. He told me that the boys would be home probably on Monday. At 5PM on Monday, I phoned over to find out where my kids were and he tells me that oh, he gets to stay in town for a few more days. Yep, thanks for letting me know so we don't make too much dinner and I don't think my kids are dead in a ditch... A couple of days ago, I get a call from #1 son. He wants to know when his appointment to see his counsellor is for. I give him the time and he asks if I'm going to drive him. I tell him that if he thinks dad is responsible enough to take him to ask him to. Son says, "Ummmm... I don't think that I trust him. Mom could you take me?" He's 10. I think he's beginning to notice just how unreliable and irresponsible his dad is. Then yesterday, not expecting them home, suddenly two little boys arrive upset just after 5. #1 son is in tears, sobbing his little heart out and #2 is hanging in there. Apparently, dad hasn't come home (they get home from school at 3.30) and they've been sitting there in the dark of dad's apartment waiting for him. The power has been shut off (he owes $200 so they cut him off) and they can't seem to get ahold of his cel phone. #1 thinks something bad has happened to him. NOW I'm pissed!!! I march upstairs and phone him. He answers and I ask where he is. I'm biting my tongue really hard so as not so rip into him. He says he's at his girlfriend's grandma's. I tell him that his sons are freaking out cuz they thought something happened to him. He say, "Oh, sorry. I didn't expect to get so involved in what I was doing." Oh sorry? Maybe you oughta say you're sorry to your kids who've been SITTING IN THE FREAKIN' DARK FOR THE LAST TWO HOURS YOU JACKASS!!!!!!
Okay. Breathe. The boys went back over to his house (I asked if they wanted to stay home but I think they wanted to make sure dad was really ok) and he, I assume, eventually picked them up. They've been staying on the farm (which means late nights and REALLY early mornings to get to school) cuz of the no power thing. I bet soon, he'll not be paying rent (which I'm sure will be my fault cuz he has to pay child support to me) and get kicked out of his apartment. That means he'll be back on the farm permanantly. His passive-aggressive way of getting to be with his girlfriend since she seems to be living there with his parents. Yah, I know. Wierd. Let's get this straight tho. I have NO problem with this girl - she seems very nice. I have no problem with her kids. Other than my boys are extremely jealous of them (they call them the "two tiny terrorists" which they do NOT call their half sibling twins who are even younger!) and feel that dad spends more time and loves those boys more than he loves them. I think J will probably marry her which really upsets the boys big time. I've tried to warn them so they won't be too shocked if it happens. I mean, you do see that J had the other little boys with him yesterday at the grandma's house, right? He just forgot his own kids. Again. They come in second place all the time and they know it. #1 son asked his dad when his dad was in the hospital not too long ago how much money he'd made on his last trip. J said, "Around $3000." #1 said, "So you'll have extra money to spend on the tiny terrorists then." Did I mention that he's 10?? J gave him a speil about it's not about money, it's about love.
Guess they just found out what love is all about yesterday, huh.
I thought I'd come and write here now. It's been a long while because I'd been blogging at another site. However, since making "friends" at that site, so much infighting and meaness has occured lately, that I've decided that it's not good for my emotional health to feel like I'm being forced into picking and choosing what I say to who about what. It's stupid to be lumped into a category along with one group or another, even though I didn't say one word and tried to keep out of the fighting all together. So whatever. I don't care anymore. If that's what you think I'm about, I'm not gonna waste my time trying to change your mind.
Anyhoo, one more bitching thing before I move on to more interesting stuff. Just want to vent about how very PISSED OFF I AM about the ex again. It seems like EVERY time he's home, something happens with the boys. They can't just go over and we, say, see them happily coming home after having a good time at dads. Here's what happened this time... (BTW, for those that don't know, J has a new girlfriend with two little boys close to my older boys' ages.) My parents decided that they wanted to take the boys to Disneyland this year so, for the last couple of months - basically since just after New Years - we've been going to and from the city to get passports and such for them to be able to travel. It cost us around $1500 to do the whole thing from start to finish. On our end, that is. Not my parents end. Quite a big chunk out of a one-income family of six people. So I told the credit lady that I couldn't pay last month. There was some confusion concerning her new extention number so she ended up phoning back. I told her to give J a call cuz he was home (he'd phoned an hour before!) and she told me that any time she ever phones me (which isn't often cuz I PAY MY BILLS!), she phones him first. He refuses to answer the phone. Nice. But no surprise.
Anyways, I told J when the boys were going and when they'd be back. Normally, he's only home for 5-7 days each month. So instead of waiting til they were home to come back, he comes home five days before so we warned them that they might not get to visit with dad this month. He ended up staying longer which is good for the boys, not so good for his funds. SO. He told me that the boys would be home probably on Monday. At 5PM on Monday, I phoned over to find out where my kids were and he tells me that oh, he gets to stay in town for a few more days. Yep, thanks for letting me know so we don't make too much dinner and I don't think my kids are dead in a ditch... A couple of days ago, I get a call from #1 son. He wants to know when his appointment to see his counsellor is for. I give him the time and he asks if I'm going to drive him. I tell him that if he thinks dad is responsible enough to take him to ask him to. Son says, "Ummmm... I don't think that I trust him. Mom could you take me?" He's 10. I think he's beginning to notice just how unreliable and irresponsible his dad is. Then yesterday, not expecting them home, suddenly two little boys arrive upset just after 5. #1 son is in tears, sobbing his little heart out and #2 is hanging in there. Apparently, dad hasn't come home (they get home from school at 3.30) and they've been sitting there in the dark of dad's apartment waiting for him. The power has been shut off (he owes $200 so they cut him off) and they can't seem to get ahold of his cel phone. #1 thinks something bad has happened to him. NOW I'm pissed!!! I march upstairs and phone him. He answers and I ask where he is. I'm biting my tongue really hard so as not so rip into him. He says he's at his girlfriend's grandma's. I tell him that his sons are freaking out cuz they thought something happened to him. He say, "Oh, sorry. I didn't expect to get so involved in what I was doing." Oh sorry? Maybe you oughta say you're sorry to your kids who've been SITTING IN THE FREAKIN' DARK FOR THE LAST TWO HOURS YOU JACKASS!!!!!!
Okay. Breathe. The boys went back over to his house (I asked if they wanted to stay home but I think they wanted to make sure dad was really ok) and he, I assume, eventually picked them up. They've been staying on the farm (which means late nights and REALLY early mornings to get to school) cuz of the no power thing. I bet soon, he'll not be paying rent (which I'm sure will be my fault cuz he has to pay child support to me) and get kicked out of his apartment. That means he'll be back on the farm permanantly. His passive-aggressive way of getting to be with his girlfriend since she seems to be living there with his parents. Yah, I know. Wierd. Let's get this straight tho. I have NO problem with this girl - she seems very nice. I have no problem with her kids. Other than my boys are extremely jealous of them (they call them the "two tiny terrorists" which they do NOT call their half sibling twins who are even younger!) and feel that dad spends more time and loves those boys more than he loves them. I think J will probably marry her which really upsets the boys big time. I've tried to warn them so they won't be too shocked if it happens. I mean, you do see that J had the other little boys with him yesterday at the grandma's house, right? He just forgot his own kids. Again. They come in second place all the time and they know it. #1 son asked his dad when his dad was in the hospital not too long ago how much money he'd made on his last trip. J said, "Around $3000." #1 said, "So you'll have extra money to spend on the tiny terrorists then." Did I mention that he's 10?? J gave him a speil about it's not about money, it's about love.
Guess they just found out what love is all about yesterday, huh.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Play Time Again.
Here I am again. Read our paper yesterday. Found at the bottom of a page tickets to the next play at the church. I knew it was coming and yet every time, it stabs me in the heart and I want to cry my eyes out. And then I get angry that it still hurts me after almost three years. I talked with DH some more about it. I worry that he'll soon get tired of me bringing up my pain every time there's a play and tell me to get over it like my mom would. I feel guilty that it doesn't go away. How do I explain the deep sadness in my soul - a longing for the fulfillment doing a play once gave me? Hmmm... maybe I should start like this:
I am a creative person. I am artistic - music, writing, drawing - almost to the exclusion of mathmatics. Most people are somewhere between the super mathmatics and the super artistic, whereas they have a touch of both. I am waaaay over on the artistic side and the math side is seriously lacking. Most people can memorize a math theory and muddle their way thru basic algebra problems without understanding how it works. I can't. If it doesn't "make sense" to me, I cannot answer the problem no matter how many ways of getting to the answer I memorize. Geometry is a nightmare. Anything with letters instead of numbers is terrifying. Physics? Forget it. Anyways, I have always excelled at music, acting, writing, drawing. As a young girl, most times, I couldn't distiguish reality from fantasy. My mind was a treasure of imagination and still is. I have a decent voice (I've been told excellent but I hesitate to say it) that I love to use. I've always adored acting in skits and tried to volunteer for any that came my way. There was just something so... magical... about becoming someone or something I'm not and doing it in such a way that people see me as that person. A truly good actor is someone who, during the show, has people thinking of them as whatever character they're playing, not their usual selves. Look at Hollywood actors! The best films have those who play the most believable characters.
Now, all my life, I've been told that there's something wrong with me. That my acting and singing and artistic abilities are silly and useless. They can't make a living for you or support your family (meaning your future husband and children). They are bogus mistakes and that I should try to find a "normal" job and have more common sense than to enjoy doing something so silly. Grow up and move on from "childish" things. I hesitatingly mentioned something about doing musicals or opera as a teen and was soundly rebuffed and laughed at and humiliated for being foolish. "People who get into that kind of thing have been working at it since they were kids, unlike you." Except, I thought that's what singing in a professional children's choir could do for me. And what about all those who break into acting (I don't want to be a hollywood movie star!) as adults and do very well? So. For years, I believed that I was flawed and foolish and my talents were some huge cosmic joke/mistake. I never searched out any theatre groups when I became old enough to not need permission. I never took any chances on learning to use my talents and abilities to their best intent. I ran off and married the first man who looked at me so I could have someone to 'take care of me' since I was, apparently, so unsuited to do so myself. I spent a few years slaving away at clothing stores and restaurants for a pittance. Radio Shack and McDonald's love someone like me who works harder than most other employees cuz they don't have to pay me what I'm worth. I've never made more than $10/hr (once back when I taught piano - something I DID NOT EVER WANT TO DO!! My mother always told me I should teach piano. The gall I had to swallow when I told her that I'd been offered and accepted a job as a piano teacher was sickening for me.) and, even this last time, I was making $8.50/hr - after my huge .10 raise. BTW, minimum wage is $8 here. Pretty difficult to survive paying rent, food, bills for yourself and two kids on that kind of money...
Back to things... When I moved here and joined the church, one of the fellas was trying to start up a drama club. I jumped at the chance. After I did my first skit, people were coming up to me and saying, "Wow! I never knew that you were so talented at acting!" And that was only a skit! We started a play and I was one of the starring characters. We rehearsed for six weeks straight. Almost every day for two hours. I helped build the set. I helped buy the props. I was the first to memorize my lines. I spent hours on that set, just sitting there in the silence of a near empty church, listening to the thoughts in my head. It was the happiest I'd been in many many years. I found a Christian book that talked about artistic gifts being from God and no mistake at all. I knew in my heart that this was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. That, finally, I was doing what I was supposed to be doing all along! Suddenly, I resented that I was a mother, that I'd never had the chance to try to follow my dreams. I resented that I'd had to wait until I was 30 years old to finally understand what my career would have/should have been. I was angry and I felt cheated. I couldn't understand my neediness, my insecurity, my fears of being alone and unable to fend for myself. Where did they come from? How could I not have tried to get into something that I had so loved to do all along? Why had I listened to my mother? I did four plays and many skits over the course of two years and I loved every one of them. I was so absorbed in them when I was a part of them. I was so happy doing them. And so depressed when they were all finished. I could barely wait for the next one to start. The last play, the one where I fell "in love" (obssession) with my male counterpart, I was so depressed at the end of it, I could hardly breathe. I knew that everything was falling apart and I couldn't understand why I was destroying my life again. I couldn't understand my motivation. I was having a difficult time handling my grief and emotional pain. Then when P. tore the rest of my life out of my grasp, I sincerely thought of swimming out into the cold, half frozen lake until I was too far out to get back. The coldness and ugliness inside me would only have helped the hypothermic lake to consume me faster. He took my drama and held it out of reach. He mocked my grief and pain and used it as sermon fodder. He never once tried to understand the motivating factors behind my actions, nor not condemn me. He, who was like my father to me as well as my friend, treated me like I had deliberately turned against HIM, betrayed HIM and that, somehow, I must be enjoying watching the life I'd built crumble around me. I see him now and he tries to command me. I only dig in my heels and back away further. My trust in people has been so damaged, I fear I'll never recover it. I still have pain where my acting has been cut off, just like phantom pain in a phantom limb that has been sheared off of it's trunk. Seeing the reviews in our little paper cuts like a knife on scar tissue, making the wound anew and scarring even more. Last year, when I saw that L's wife was one of the main characters, I felt it like a stab in the heart. I felt like it was a jab at me to show me how she was allowed to take my place as the wounded party (egocentrical, I know). However, I'm pretty sure she and L are back together and she probably treats him even worse than before since he'll have come back with his tail between his legs. Everyone only gets one side of the story and forgets the other or chooses to ignore it. And yet, I am responsible for that too. I can't - won't - tell anyone the deeper side of my issues. How can I when it can be used as a weapon against me? How can I when the people who are supposed to be trustworthy spread it like the Enquirer? How can I when fear of their wicked thoughts and gossiping paralyzes my tongue, effectively freezing it to the roof of my dry mouth? How can I trust anyone?
So I read our town paper and I feel the knife twist in my guts when I find the press on each play and actor. I feel the anger and pain anew when I realize that even if I were attending the church, P would not "allow" me to audition or even be a part of it. There are no other performing arts groups in this town anymore. My "friend's" theatre group out of the church is a non-profit organization that I am on the leading committee for. I signed on all the legal paperwork to be a part of this non-profit organization. In fact, I am the first on all the paperwork after K! K has his own company too. One that he's done a couple of plays for. He asked me to be in the first one, which fell through, but since having the twins, he hasn't contacted me or asked me again. I suspect it's because C, his wife, has a hate-on for me now. Sad, since we used to be friends. K is one of the few who doesn't treat me like an outcast. But to keep the peace with his very strong willed wife, I believe he'll never ask me again.
I have come to the decision that I will act again. I don't know when and I'm not sure how yet, but I will find something in some town close enough to here that I can join and perform in. I still believe that God has given me this talent as a gift and that no man has the right to take away that which God has given. I believe that with the strength and understanding of the motivating factors of my past, I can face a future doing the thing I love without landing in the pitfalls of obssession with another 'broken' abusive man that I can 'fix'. I believe that the more time I spend repairing the damage of emotional abuse, the more power I have over my future. I will succeed!!
I am a creative person. I am artistic - music, writing, drawing - almost to the exclusion of mathmatics. Most people are somewhere between the super mathmatics and the super artistic, whereas they have a touch of both. I am waaaay over on the artistic side and the math side is seriously lacking. Most people can memorize a math theory and muddle their way thru basic algebra problems without understanding how it works. I can't. If it doesn't "make sense" to me, I cannot answer the problem no matter how many ways of getting to the answer I memorize. Geometry is a nightmare. Anything with letters instead of numbers is terrifying. Physics? Forget it. Anyways, I have always excelled at music, acting, writing, drawing. As a young girl, most times, I couldn't distiguish reality from fantasy. My mind was a treasure of imagination and still is. I have a decent voice (I've been told excellent but I hesitate to say it) that I love to use. I've always adored acting in skits and tried to volunteer for any that came my way. There was just something so... magical... about becoming someone or something I'm not and doing it in such a way that people see me as that person. A truly good actor is someone who, during the show, has people thinking of them as whatever character they're playing, not their usual selves. Look at Hollywood actors! The best films have those who play the most believable characters.
Now, all my life, I've been told that there's something wrong with me. That my acting and singing and artistic abilities are silly and useless. They can't make a living for you or support your family (meaning your future husband and children). They are bogus mistakes and that I should try to find a "normal" job and have more common sense than to enjoy doing something so silly. Grow up and move on from "childish" things. I hesitatingly mentioned something about doing musicals or opera as a teen and was soundly rebuffed and laughed at and humiliated for being foolish. "People who get into that kind of thing have been working at it since they were kids, unlike you." Except, I thought that's what singing in a professional children's choir could do for me. And what about all those who break into acting (I don't want to be a hollywood movie star!) as adults and do very well? So. For years, I believed that I was flawed and foolish and my talents were some huge cosmic joke/mistake. I never searched out any theatre groups when I became old enough to not need permission. I never took any chances on learning to use my talents and abilities to their best intent. I ran off and married the first man who looked at me so I could have someone to 'take care of me' since I was, apparently, so unsuited to do so myself. I spent a few years slaving away at clothing stores and restaurants for a pittance. Radio Shack and McDonald's love someone like me who works harder than most other employees cuz they don't have to pay me what I'm worth. I've never made more than $10/hr (once back when I taught piano - something I DID NOT EVER WANT TO DO!! My mother always told me I should teach piano. The gall I had to swallow when I told her that I'd been offered and accepted a job as a piano teacher was sickening for me.) and, even this last time, I was making $8.50/hr - after my huge .10 raise. BTW, minimum wage is $8 here. Pretty difficult to survive paying rent, food, bills for yourself and two kids on that kind of money...
Back to things... When I moved here and joined the church, one of the fellas was trying to start up a drama club. I jumped at the chance. After I did my first skit, people were coming up to me and saying, "Wow! I never knew that you were so talented at acting!" And that was only a skit! We started a play and I was one of the starring characters. We rehearsed for six weeks straight. Almost every day for two hours. I helped build the set. I helped buy the props. I was the first to memorize my lines. I spent hours on that set, just sitting there in the silence of a near empty church, listening to the thoughts in my head. It was the happiest I'd been in many many years. I found a Christian book that talked about artistic gifts being from God and no mistake at all. I knew in my heart that this was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. That, finally, I was doing what I was supposed to be doing all along! Suddenly, I resented that I was a mother, that I'd never had the chance to try to follow my dreams. I resented that I'd had to wait until I was 30 years old to finally understand what my career would have/should have been. I was angry and I felt cheated. I couldn't understand my neediness, my insecurity, my fears of being alone and unable to fend for myself. Where did they come from? How could I not have tried to get into something that I had so loved to do all along? Why had I listened to my mother? I did four plays and many skits over the course of two years and I loved every one of them. I was so absorbed in them when I was a part of them. I was so happy doing them. And so depressed when they were all finished. I could barely wait for the next one to start. The last play, the one where I fell "in love" (obssession) with my male counterpart, I was so depressed at the end of it, I could hardly breathe. I knew that everything was falling apart and I couldn't understand why I was destroying my life again. I couldn't understand my motivation. I was having a difficult time handling my grief and emotional pain. Then when P. tore the rest of my life out of my grasp, I sincerely thought of swimming out into the cold, half frozen lake until I was too far out to get back. The coldness and ugliness inside me would only have helped the hypothermic lake to consume me faster. He took my drama and held it out of reach. He mocked my grief and pain and used it as sermon fodder. He never once tried to understand the motivating factors behind my actions, nor not condemn me. He, who was like my father to me as well as my friend, treated me like I had deliberately turned against HIM, betrayed HIM and that, somehow, I must be enjoying watching the life I'd built crumble around me. I see him now and he tries to command me. I only dig in my heels and back away further. My trust in people has been so damaged, I fear I'll never recover it. I still have pain where my acting has been cut off, just like phantom pain in a phantom limb that has been sheared off of it's trunk. Seeing the reviews in our little paper cuts like a knife on scar tissue, making the wound anew and scarring even more. Last year, when I saw that L's wife was one of the main characters, I felt it like a stab in the heart. I felt like it was a jab at me to show me how she was allowed to take my place as the wounded party (egocentrical, I know). However, I'm pretty sure she and L are back together and she probably treats him even worse than before since he'll have come back with his tail between his legs. Everyone only gets one side of the story and forgets the other or chooses to ignore it. And yet, I am responsible for that too. I can't - won't - tell anyone the deeper side of my issues. How can I when it can be used as a weapon against me? How can I when the people who are supposed to be trustworthy spread it like the Enquirer? How can I when fear of their wicked thoughts and gossiping paralyzes my tongue, effectively freezing it to the roof of my dry mouth? How can I trust anyone?
So I read our town paper and I feel the knife twist in my guts when I find the press on each play and actor. I feel the anger and pain anew when I realize that even if I were attending the church, P would not "allow" me to audition or even be a part of it. There are no other performing arts groups in this town anymore. My "friend's" theatre group out of the church is a non-profit organization that I am on the leading committee for. I signed on all the legal paperwork to be a part of this non-profit organization. In fact, I am the first on all the paperwork after K! K has his own company too. One that he's done a couple of plays for. He asked me to be in the first one, which fell through, but since having the twins, he hasn't contacted me or asked me again. I suspect it's because C, his wife, has a hate-on for me now. Sad, since we used to be friends. K is one of the few who doesn't treat me like an outcast. But to keep the peace with his very strong willed wife, I believe he'll never ask me again.
I have come to the decision that I will act again. I don't know when and I'm not sure how yet, but I will find something in some town close enough to here that I can join and perform in. I still believe that God has given me this talent as a gift and that no man has the right to take away that which God has given. I believe that with the strength and understanding of the motivating factors of my past, I can face a future doing the thing I love without landing in the pitfalls of obssession with another 'broken' abusive man that I can 'fix'. I believe that the more time I spend repairing the damage of emotional abuse, the more power I have over my future. I will succeed!!
Friday, October 13, 2006
Dryad, Loving Too Much is your primary love story!
The Loving Too Much story stems from your overflowing love and hope. Sometimes, however, it can be muddied by misguided feelings, expectations and sometimes, an unrequited desire. The people you're most attracted to are usually just out of reach and all the more alluring for it — like those early crushes on teen idols. The less available your partner is, emotionally and physically, the more desirable he becomes. You daydream, and your imagination fills in the details that reality hasn't provided. Do you ever seek out indirect contact with this person, visiting his workplace or getting to know his friends? Do you find yourself dreaming about marriage after a second date, or perhaps after a quick affair? The hit film "Fatal Attraction" illustrates an extreme version of the Loving Too Much story — taking it to abnormal levels. What it doesn't fully explore is the capacity for love that you probably possess. People who share your story have plenty to offer, but they tend to put too much love into someone they shouldn't. Some people also interpret their partner's actions as they want to, not necessarily as they were intended. Sometimes this happens because they spend more time focusing on the fantasy of a relationship rather than the reality of one. It is also possible that you assign characteristics of your last love to the person you are dating. Psychologists see people projecting all the time. Projecting feelings about one person onto another. Do you know the person you have developed feelings for, or are you projecting what they might be like because they seem to match what you want in life? Do you fall for anyone in a lab coat because you want to marry a doctor? Do you ignore strong feelings for a long-time friend because he isn't a doctor? The Greeks had Venus and the Romans had Aphrodite. Your archetypal love story has been filling the pages of literature and poetry for centuries, though recently it's been negatively promoted by Hollywood. In film, the extreme form of your story can be found in the stalker of "Play Misty for Me." But let's not forget the classic "Cyrano De Bergerac," whose obsession with a woman is stymied by his fear she'll reject him over the size of his nose. In a more contemporary version of the tale, "The Truth About Cats and Dogs," Janeane Garofalo plays a woman obsessed with a man she's too afraid to court herself. These love stories are powerful precisely because they are shared by so many. Though the settings change, the story remains the same. Loving Too Much is about the things in life that you don't think you can have, then learning to create a more realistic ideal for yourself and your partner. It's about working through the fear of rejection, insecurities, and overwhelming longing to love wholly and completely.
How your love story affects you and your relationships
Absence certainly makes your heart grow fonder — especially when it comes to your love story. Do you embrace romances that are, by necessity, somewhat distant? Do you gravitate towards long-distant relationships or affairs with married people? Do you tend to feel the people you're interested in are always unavailable or out of your league? When you fall, do you fall hard, or do you immediately develop feelings for someone else? When a relationship ends, do you take it personally? And when it comes to crushes, do you find yourself thinking about the person while you're buying a new pair of shoes, doing laundry, drying your hair? Some people also go out of their way to grab their crush's attention. When you're in a relationship, you might go all out: flowers, dinners, gifts and notes. Sometimes these gestures are appreciated; but sometimes they come off as coming on too strong. Your take-charge attitude isn't limited to things of love. You might be assertive in your career, and other relationships as well. You may be overcompensating for an earlier disappointment by overachieving in current realms of your life. If your undivided attention to your partner arises out of wanting someone who's out of reach, you might fill your life with as many cues to that person as possible. Is your closet stuffed with photographs, favorite songs, old emails, and other mementos? Do you repeatedly go over real and imagined scenarios — chance meetings and romantic encounters — in your mind? If the object of your desire is someone who rejected you, these feelings may be even stronger. You imagine that getting back together will magically erase painful feelings of sadness and anger. Regardless of how your past stories have played out, you are capable of finding the right person. Just make sure you're not lying to yourself or to him and let go of past fears of rejection and inadequacy. Your love story has a happy ending after all. An ending that will appreciate just how deeply you give yourself to your relationships.
How to avoid common mistakes
Obsession is a natural thing — it's how we maintain that rush of excitement after first meeting someone. Thoughts about them dominate our brains almost as if we can spend more time with them in our heads even if we can't spend more time with them physically. But if these initial thoughts and fantasies go on for too long, if they become compulsive, you're heading down the wrong path. If you allow thoughts about this potential partner to distract you from your responsibilities or from doing things that you used to like to do, you might want to stop for a moment and question yourself. Have you grown out of your previous hobbies because it was time, or because you are trying to be someone new for this person? That's not always a bad thing, but it is something you should at least ask yourself. Also, find the courage to think about why you are interested in this person in particular. Does he look like someone you once dated — could that be why you overlook some of his less attractive qualities? Does he share a profession or background common to someone you wish you were still with? If so, challenge yourself and the possibility that you are projecting past feelings onto a current relationship. Even if you are, you can redirect your attention and learn to focus more on getting to know this man. You may even surprise yourself and discover that his unique qualities are a better match for you than any you could have dreamed up on your own.
How to recognize someone who's healthy for you
The difference between a healthy relationship and past ones is the feelings are mutual. No more heart-wrenching breakups followed by long, slow recovery periods for you! With patience and devotion, you'll land a great catch. You'll feel good about yourself, confident that the relationship is strong. And what a relief that your significant other will feel the same way. If the roots of your complete focus on your partner lie in insecurity, then a healthy relationship will only be with someone who adores you for who you are and makes you feel great about yourself. Although a long-distance relationship might work out for you, in general you'll get more fulfillment in the long run out of a person who's more available. As with all love stories, yours is just a story — though one that affects you deeply. You can find ways to use your drive in positive ways, pushing you to improve yourself or make the most of a happy relationship. Knowing your story and its roots in your psychology and life experiences, you also have the power to move beyond it, letting go of those huge crushes once and for all and finding yourself a love that will indeed endure the test of time.
From: http://web.tickle.com/tests/lovestory/paidresult.jsp
The Loving Too Much story stems from your overflowing love and hope. Sometimes, however, it can be muddied by misguided feelings, expectations and sometimes, an unrequited desire. The people you're most attracted to are usually just out of reach and all the more alluring for it — like those early crushes on teen idols. The less available your partner is, emotionally and physically, the more desirable he becomes. You daydream, and your imagination fills in the details that reality hasn't provided. Do you ever seek out indirect contact with this person, visiting his workplace or getting to know his friends? Do you find yourself dreaming about marriage after a second date, or perhaps after a quick affair? The hit film "Fatal Attraction" illustrates an extreme version of the Loving Too Much story — taking it to abnormal levels. What it doesn't fully explore is the capacity for love that you probably possess. People who share your story have plenty to offer, but they tend to put too much love into someone they shouldn't. Some people also interpret their partner's actions as they want to, not necessarily as they were intended. Sometimes this happens because they spend more time focusing on the fantasy of a relationship rather than the reality of one. It is also possible that you assign characteristics of your last love to the person you are dating. Psychologists see people projecting all the time. Projecting feelings about one person onto another. Do you know the person you have developed feelings for, or are you projecting what they might be like because they seem to match what you want in life? Do you fall for anyone in a lab coat because you want to marry a doctor? Do you ignore strong feelings for a long-time friend because he isn't a doctor? The Greeks had Venus and the Romans had Aphrodite. Your archetypal love story has been filling the pages of literature and poetry for centuries, though recently it's been negatively promoted by Hollywood. In film, the extreme form of your story can be found in the stalker of "Play Misty for Me." But let's not forget the classic "Cyrano De Bergerac," whose obsession with a woman is stymied by his fear she'll reject him over the size of his nose. In a more contemporary version of the tale, "The Truth About Cats and Dogs," Janeane Garofalo plays a woman obsessed with a man she's too afraid to court herself. These love stories are powerful precisely because they are shared by so many. Though the settings change, the story remains the same. Loving Too Much is about the things in life that you don't think you can have, then learning to create a more realistic ideal for yourself and your partner. It's about working through the fear of rejection, insecurities, and overwhelming longing to love wholly and completely.
How your love story affects you and your relationships
Absence certainly makes your heart grow fonder — especially when it comes to your love story. Do you embrace romances that are, by necessity, somewhat distant? Do you gravitate towards long-distant relationships or affairs with married people? Do you tend to feel the people you're interested in are always unavailable or out of your league? When you fall, do you fall hard, or do you immediately develop feelings for someone else? When a relationship ends, do you take it personally? And when it comes to crushes, do you find yourself thinking about the person while you're buying a new pair of shoes, doing laundry, drying your hair? Some people also go out of their way to grab their crush's attention. When you're in a relationship, you might go all out: flowers, dinners, gifts and notes. Sometimes these gestures are appreciated; but sometimes they come off as coming on too strong. Your take-charge attitude isn't limited to things of love. You might be assertive in your career, and other relationships as well. You may be overcompensating for an earlier disappointment by overachieving in current realms of your life. If your undivided attention to your partner arises out of wanting someone who's out of reach, you might fill your life with as many cues to that person as possible. Is your closet stuffed with photographs, favorite songs, old emails, and other mementos? Do you repeatedly go over real and imagined scenarios — chance meetings and romantic encounters — in your mind? If the object of your desire is someone who rejected you, these feelings may be even stronger. You imagine that getting back together will magically erase painful feelings of sadness and anger. Regardless of how your past stories have played out, you are capable of finding the right person. Just make sure you're not lying to yourself or to him and let go of past fears of rejection and inadequacy. Your love story has a happy ending after all. An ending that will appreciate just how deeply you give yourself to your relationships.
How to avoid common mistakes
Obsession is a natural thing — it's how we maintain that rush of excitement after first meeting someone. Thoughts about them dominate our brains almost as if we can spend more time with them in our heads even if we can't spend more time with them physically. But if these initial thoughts and fantasies go on for too long, if they become compulsive, you're heading down the wrong path. If you allow thoughts about this potential partner to distract you from your responsibilities or from doing things that you used to like to do, you might want to stop for a moment and question yourself. Have you grown out of your previous hobbies because it was time, or because you are trying to be someone new for this person? That's not always a bad thing, but it is something you should at least ask yourself. Also, find the courage to think about why you are interested in this person in particular. Does he look like someone you once dated — could that be why you overlook some of his less attractive qualities? Does he share a profession or background common to someone you wish you were still with? If so, challenge yourself and the possibility that you are projecting past feelings onto a current relationship. Even if you are, you can redirect your attention and learn to focus more on getting to know this man. You may even surprise yourself and discover that his unique qualities are a better match for you than any you could have dreamed up on your own.
How to recognize someone who's healthy for you
The difference between a healthy relationship and past ones is the feelings are mutual. No more heart-wrenching breakups followed by long, slow recovery periods for you! With patience and devotion, you'll land a great catch. You'll feel good about yourself, confident that the relationship is strong. And what a relief that your significant other will feel the same way. If the roots of your complete focus on your partner lie in insecurity, then a healthy relationship will only be with someone who adores you for who you are and makes you feel great about yourself. Although a long-distance relationship might work out for you, in general you'll get more fulfillment in the long run out of a person who's more available. As with all love stories, yours is just a story — though one that affects you deeply. You can find ways to use your drive in positive ways, pushing you to improve yourself or make the most of a happy relationship. Knowing your story and its roots in your psychology and life experiences, you also have the power to move beyond it, letting go of those huge crushes once and for all and finding yourself a love that will indeed endure the test of time.
From: http://web.tickle.com/tests/lovestory/paidresult.jsp
Dryad, your holiday theme song is White Christmas
Looks like you might be the sentimentalist in the crowd. You, more than others, revel in the nostalgia of the season. Some may think it's a little bit sappy, but you can't help it if you feel all gushy at the first sight of snow, the scent of evergreens, or the first airing of It's a Wonderful Life.
You're one who picks up on traditions, and you probably like to pass them on, as well. That ornament over there, we bet it has a good story attached to it. Truth is, Santa himself probably couldn't spread as much Christmas spirit as you're capable of. While others are mired in materialism, you keep the holiday's true meaning closer to your heart. So keep on dreaming of a white Christmas with every Christmas card you write. May your days be merry and bright. And may all your Christmases be white.
***What's your secret power?***
YOU'RE A VISIONARY
Secret Strength: intuition. Words to describe you: idealistic, sensitive, articulate, empathetic. Power profile: You're the ultimate people person. With your excellent listening skills, you "hear" what people aren't saying as well as what they are saying. (Psst! Your gut tells you!) You see right through someone who's putting on a happy face when they're dying inside, and you know just how to get them to open up about it and work through it. Because you divide your energy among lots of people (you've got tons of friends), you sometimes end up putting your own goals on the back burner. Still, when you do dream, you dream big because you not only see what is, but what could be and what should be. It's a rare skill to have! How to work it: How many times have you ignored your instincts and listened to someone else's advice? And how many times have you thought, "I should've gone with my gut!"? Let that be your mantra, girlfriend. Use that amazing intuition to let your own personal truth lead you to your success. The next time you've got some life dilemma and friends give you their input, go spend some time alone to reconnect with yourself. Write down everyone else's thoughts so you have them (after all, their advice doesn't always suck). Then pretend a friend came to you with this same problem. What would you tell her? That first reaction is what you should follow-even if you have to go against the grain. Whether you want to start your own magazine, direct a film, or do anything that makes someone ask,"How are you ever going to do that?" just know you'll find a way. People in high places will be impressed with your faith in yourself and put a nice paycheck behind it! Dream Jobs: Activist, kindergarten teacher, psychologist, songwriter, defense lawyer, editor-in-chief, public relations executive, sports recruiter, theater director, talent agent, foreign ambassador, fashion photographer.
What's your secret power?http://quiz.ivillage.com/cosmogirl/tests/April2005-SecretPower.htm
YOU'RE A VISIONARY
Secret Strength: intuition. Words to describe you: idealistic, sensitive, articulate, empathetic. Power profile: You're the ultimate people person. With your excellent listening skills, you "hear" what people aren't saying as well as what they are saying. (Psst! Your gut tells you!) You see right through someone who's putting on a happy face when they're dying inside, and you know just how to get them to open up about it and work through it. Because you divide your energy among lots of people (you've got tons of friends), you sometimes end up putting your own goals on the back burner. Still, when you do dream, you dream big because you not only see what is, but what could be and what should be. It's a rare skill to have! How to work it: How many times have you ignored your instincts and listened to someone else's advice? And how many times have you thought, "I should've gone with my gut!"? Let that be your mantra, girlfriend. Use that amazing intuition to let your own personal truth lead you to your success. The next time you've got some life dilemma and friends give you their input, go spend some time alone to reconnect with yourself. Write down everyone else's thoughts so you have them (after all, their advice doesn't always suck). Then pretend a friend came to you with this same problem. What would you tell her? That first reaction is what you should follow-even if you have to go against the grain. Whether you want to start your own magazine, direct a film, or do anything that makes someone ask,"How are you ever going to do that?" just know you'll find a way. People in high places will be impressed with your faith in yourself and put a nice paycheck behind it! Dream Jobs: Activist, kindergarten teacher, psychologist, songwriter, defense lawyer, editor-in-chief, public relations executive, sports recruiter, theater director, talent agent, foreign ambassador, fashion photographer.
What's your secret power?http://quiz.ivillage.com/cosmogirl/tests/April2005-SecretPower.htm
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Hmmmm...
When I awoke to the sound of screaming last night, I ended up not being able to get myself back to sleep easily. First, I was worried a bit about the Comet that the babies had gotten into on Monday and the burn it left on Katie's bottom. Thought it might have been hurting her or something. She seemed fine after I gave her some mouth medicine so perhaps it was just teething pain. Then, of course, Leith woke up cuz he can't sleep through her yelling in the same room. Gave him a top up too and put them back to bed. Went back to bed and just lay there thinking and wondering and remembering. Then came up a thought from the past that I have wondered about before...
You know how you can pretty much recall most people you've dated? Especially, when you're young, around the time when you first started dating? I can count 11 people I have dated in my entire life so far and four of them were serious relationships (marriage/engagement/common-law). My first kiss was on a train on a trip across Canada. I was 16. It was a two day relationship. Then I agreed to go out with a gr. 12 guy when I started in gr. 11 purely cuz I was thrilled that someone was interested in me. I was a dorky kid that not many people liked, so having someone attracted to me was the motivating factor for becoming his girlfriend. I ended up breaking up with him (I didn't even really like him as a person, let alone a boyfriend!) after two weeks because he continually tried to pressure me into having sex. I wasn't ready and I certainly wasn't gonna "do it" with a guy I didn't even like!! Then I started going out with a guy I consider my first boyfriend. It lasted three months the first time, three months the second time a year later, and even though I still held a torch for him, I wouldn't start going out with him a third time when he asked. Just out of high school there was a young guy who also didn't understand the meaning of "no". He lasted about five minutes. After college I started going out with my best friend of eight years. We were secrectly engaged and I lost my virginity to him. We broke up after a year and a half. For years, I thought that these were all the guys I'd dated at that time of my life (between 16 and 20). Then one day, I woke up with a memory of a guy with red hair taking me on a date. I dug deep for the memory and wondered why it was so hard. Then it came.
When I was 14, I started going to the college weekend where I was going to attend after high school. I had a family friend who was attending and me and my best girl friend stayed with her on Campus Weekends for two of four years. The first year we stayed, we took an extra day to stay and went to watch the college guys play hockey. While we were there, some weird red-headed guy I'd never met or even seen, started chasing me around and tickling me. I think he must have been about 23/24. It made me feel strange. Sort of thrilled that this man was teasing me and tickling me - flirting with me! - and yet, something was sorta scary too. I didn't know him. I wasn't even close to his age. He knew more about me the next time I saw him - about a year later. He was friendly and flirty and teasing again. Then when I met him at 17, he somehow got my phone number and asked my parents if he could take me on a date. Because he was a 'christian' and going to a Christian college, my parents seemed to think that it would be okay for him to date me. I remember driving in his car, way through downtown and out the other side and up Mount Seymour. It was a good hour to two hour drive there and then again back. I only remember stoplights and sitting in his truck(?). Then I remember being at a lookout spot. He picked me up and set me on the railing and then he kissed me. I remember the lights of the city waaaay below. I remember the balmy air. I remember he tasted smoky. I remember the feel of his (shudder) mustache scraping my skin. I remember nothing after that. But why can't I remember anything else? More than that, why couldn't I remember this date AT ALL until years later? I can remember -not necessarily the details - of the other guys, no problem. So why this block? Most of the time, I don't think about it. Then sometimes it surfaces and I start wondering again. I guess last night was the night to recall what little I can remember. It reminds me of the weird things I remember from my first rape. Feelings and snapshot pictures in my mind. Certain smells and sounds. Or lack thereof. I don't remember other dates or guys like that. It's kinda creepy. Perhaps I just don't want to remember.
Things that make you go "hmmmm..."
You know how you can pretty much recall most people you've dated? Especially, when you're young, around the time when you first started dating? I can count 11 people I have dated in my entire life so far and four of them were serious relationships (marriage/engagement/common-law). My first kiss was on a train on a trip across Canada. I was 16. It was a two day relationship. Then I agreed to go out with a gr. 12 guy when I started in gr. 11 purely cuz I was thrilled that someone was interested in me. I was a dorky kid that not many people liked, so having someone attracted to me was the motivating factor for becoming his girlfriend. I ended up breaking up with him (I didn't even really like him as a person, let alone a boyfriend!) after two weeks because he continually tried to pressure me into having sex. I wasn't ready and I certainly wasn't gonna "do it" with a guy I didn't even like!! Then I started going out with a guy I consider my first boyfriend. It lasted three months the first time, three months the second time a year later, and even though I still held a torch for him, I wouldn't start going out with him a third time when he asked. Just out of high school there was a young guy who also didn't understand the meaning of "no". He lasted about five minutes. After college I started going out with my best friend of eight years. We were secrectly engaged and I lost my virginity to him. We broke up after a year and a half. For years, I thought that these were all the guys I'd dated at that time of my life (between 16 and 20). Then one day, I woke up with a memory of a guy with red hair taking me on a date. I dug deep for the memory and wondered why it was so hard. Then it came.
When I was 14, I started going to the college weekend where I was going to attend after high school. I had a family friend who was attending and me and my best girl friend stayed with her on Campus Weekends for two of four years. The first year we stayed, we took an extra day to stay and went to watch the college guys play hockey. While we were there, some weird red-headed guy I'd never met or even seen, started chasing me around and tickling me. I think he must have been about 23/24. It made me feel strange. Sort of thrilled that this man was teasing me and tickling me - flirting with me! - and yet, something was sorta scary too. I didn't know him. I wasn't even close to his age. He knew more about me the next time I saw him - about a year later. He was friendly and flirty and teasing again. Then when I met him at 17, he somehow got my phone number and asked my parents if he could take me on a date. Because he was a 'christian' and going to a Christian college, my parents seemed to think that it would be okay for him to date me. I remember driving in his car, way through downtown and out the other side and up Mount Seymour. It was a good hour to two hour drive there and then again back. I only remember stoplights and sitting in his truck(?). Then I remember being at a lookout spot. He picked me up and set me on the railing and then he kissed me. I remember the lights of the city waaaay below. I remember the balmy air. I remember he tasted smoky. I remember the feel of his (shudder) mustache scraping my skin. I remember nothing after that. But why can't I remember anything else? More than that, why couldn't I remember this date AT ALL until years later? I can remember -not necessarily the details - of the other guys, no problem. So why this block? Most of the time, I don't think about it. Then sometimes it surfaces and I start wondering again. I guess last night was the night to recall what little I can remember. It reminds me of the weird things I remember from my first rape. Feelings and snapshot pictures in my mind. Certain smells and sounds. Or lack thereof. I don't remember other dates or guys like that. It's kinda creepy. Perhaps I just don't want to remember.
Things that make you go "hmmmm..."
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Complaining Again... :(
Here I am, complaining again. Told ya this was gonna be a place to bitch...
I'm hovering in a limbo of waiting. We've been stalled at the bank for two weeks now. Everything was supposed to be "done" yesterday and someone was supposed to have gotten ahold of us by now. Or not. We should know that a bank doesn't phone you when they have to give you money... only when they want it. DH was supposed to have phoned them before but either keeps forgetting or it gets put off til way too late. This is exactly why I said that he needed to do all this before he left the second time for Ontario. I'm frustrated enough that I'd do it myself. Problem? Yah, they won't talk to me. This isn't able have anything to do with me cuz of my screwed up credit rating from J. I can't even have a joint account with the ability to say yea or nay on something to do with the house because if J ends up getting sued and I get dragged into that or I file for bankruptcy or whatever, it can't affect DH's rating or accounts or the house. So here I sit. We can't get a building permit without the architectual plans. We can't get the architectual plans until we get money from the bank. I can't even hire a friggin' contractor to get us started without the damn building permit. I can see the north wind whipping the dead leaves from the trees. The tree in front of the house is increasingly bare. Fall is most definately here. Even though DH says the Farmer's Almanac is calling for a mild winter like we had last year, I am predicting a heavier one to make up for last year. My achy joints tell me so. I feel how cold the nights are becoming. I see the change of the wind and the feel of the air. I can feel the depth of chill in the grass when I step outside in bare feet to look at the dying plants in the yard. It is barely 10 degrees outside not counting the wind. I want to DO something - like continue designing the new rooms or get ready to start building the 1/4 bathroom - but then I feel like, what's the point? What's the point of wasting all that time when the bank may make it so that things can't be built until next year. If the bank denies the loan, we'll have to move anyways and again that won't happen until next year. Maybe I wouldn't be so annoyed if I hadn't kept saying that this was going to be the case if we didn't get things started sooner than later. How long is it gonna take to draw the architectual plans up? A week? Two weeks? Then when we finally get them and send them in to get our building plan, that takes another two weeks. Then we have to wait til someone can dig and pour the basement which is gonna take who knows how long cuz they're so busy. Even if it only takes two weeks (which I highly doubt) to get the digger/concrete out, it's still late late late to be starting. In two weeks, it will be October. In two after that it will be the middle of October. Two weeks after that, it will be November. If I am right and the almanac is wrong, we will be too late to start digging and pouring until next spring. And who's to say that because we need even more money than we originally asked for, it's not gonna take the bank another week besides to okay it??? I told DH that he should call the bank before they finished and let us know about this money coming but he wanted to wait until they let us know this stuff first. I cannot explain why I feel that it is/was the wrong decision but somewhere in my gut, I just have a feeling. I guess we'll see if I can trust the old gut still or not.
Needless to say, I am seriously frustrated. Almost to the point of angry today. DH said he'd let me know for sure one way or the other by 10AM this morning. So far, not even an email about it, which means either he's been too busy to call them (most likely) or he's been busy and forgot to phone them. I think I'm angry cuz I feel that it should have been done last week as soon as we figured that we were going to need more than we asked for. But most of it is because I am helpless to change it by just doing it myself. It would have been worse if I had just hung around waiting for DH to deal with the contractor too. But then again, it all comes back to having the money to do A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. I feel locked inside this house, dreading a winter where I have two toddlers running apeshit around the upstairs in the house cuz there's nowhere in this town that I can take them to play that has more room. Dairy Queen has a play place but they have to be 3 years old to play in it. The V&B has shut down for good now and so there is nothing indoors for them at all. I have NOWHERE to go and NOTHING to do with them. And now, it feels like, I won't even have a rec room for them to run freely around in. Instead, I have to live with constant mess and activity and craziness in my living room. And Squishy waking up Katie in the middle of the night or vice versa. No training them to beds cuz there's no room. Piles everywhere cuz there's no room left in the house. The living room/dining room is already overcrowded cuz there's nowhere to put the extra shelves and cupboards to hold six people's stuff. And winter to look forward to stuffed alone with small children in a too small house. I may end up going crazy after all...
I'm hovering in a limbo of waiting. We've been stalled at the bank for two weeks now. Everything was supposed to be "done" yesterday and someone was supposed to have gotten ahold of us by now. Or not. We should know that a bank doesn't phone you when they have to give you money... only when they want it. DH was supposed to have phoned them before but either keeps forgetting or it gets put off til way too late. This is exactly why I said that he needed to do all this before he left the second time for Ontario. I'm frustrated enough that I'd do it myself. Problem? Yah, they won't talk to me. This isn't able have anything to do with me cuz of my screwed up credit rating from J. I can't even have a joint account with the ability to say yea or nay on something to do with the house because if J ends up getting sued and I get dragged into that or I file for bankruptcy or whatever, it can't affect DH's rating or accounts or the house. So here I sit. We can't get a building permit without the architectual plans. We can't get the architectual plans until we get money from the bank. I can't even hire a friggin' contractor to get us started without the damn building permit. I can see the north wind whipping the dead leaves from the trees. The tree in front of the house is increasingly bare. Fall is most definately here. Even though DH says the Farmer's Almanac is calling for a mild winter like we had last year, I am predicting a heavier one to make up for last year. My achy joints tell me so. I feel how cold the nights are becoming. I see the change of the wind and the feel of the air. I can feel the depth of chill in the grass when I step outside in bare feet to look at the dying plants in the yard. It is barely 10 degrees outside not counting the wind. I want to DO something - like continue designing the new rooms or get ready to start building the 1/4 bathroom - but then I feel like, what's the point? What's the point of wasting all that time when the bank may make it so that things can't be built until next year. If the bank denies the loan, we'll have to move anyways and again that won't happen until next year. Maybe I wouldn't be so annoyed if I hadn't kept saying that this was going to be the case if we didn't get things started sooner than later. How long is it gonna take to draw the architectual plans up? A week? Two weeks? Then when we finally get them and send them in to get our building plan, that takes another two weeks. Then we have to wait til someone can dig and pour the basement which is gonna take who knows how long cuz they're so busy. Even if it only takes two weeks (which I highly doubt) to get the digger/concrete out, it's still late late late to be starting. In two weeks, it will be October. In two after that it will be the middle of October. Two weeks after that, it will be November. If I am right and the almanac is wrong, we will be too late to start digging and pouring until next spring. And who's to say that because we need even more money than we originally asked for, it's not gonna take the bank another week besides to okay it??? I told DH that he should call the bank before they finished and let us know about this money coming but he wanted to wait until they let us know this stuff first. I cannot explain why I feel that it is/was the wrong decision but somewhere in my gut, I just have a feeling. I guess we'll see if I can trust the old gut still or not.
Needless to say, I am seriously frustrated. Almost to the point of angry today. DH said he'd let me know for sure one way or the other by 10AM this morning. So far, not even an email about it, which means either he's been too busy to call them (most likely) or he's been busy and forgot to phone them. I think I'm angry cuz I feel that it should have been done last week as soon as we figured that we were going to need more than we asked for. But most of it is because I am helpless to change it by just doing it myself. It would have been worse if I had just hung around waiting for DH to deal with the contractor too. But then again, it all comes back to having the money to do A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. I feel locked inside this house, dreading a winter where I have two toddlers running apeshit around the upstairs in the house cuz there's nowhere in this town that I can take them to play that has more room. Dairy Queen has a play place but they have to be 3 years old to play in it. The V&B has shut down for good now and so there is nothing indoors for them at all. I have NOWHERE to go and NOTHING to do with them. And now, it feels like, I won't even have a rec room for them to run freely around in. Instead, I have to live with constant mess and activity and craziness in my living room. And Squishy waking up Katie in the middle of the night or vice versa. No training them to beds cuz there's no room. Piles everywhere cuz there's no room left in the house. The living room/dining room is already overcrowded cuz there's nowhere to put the extra shelves and cupboards to hold six people's stuff. And winter to look forward to stuffed alone with small children in a too small house. I may end up going crazy after all...
Friday, September 08, 2006
Disappointed
And here I thought things were going so smoothly for once.... Here's my quick version already written in my other journal:
ARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! This is driving me nuts! Every time I think we've got our ducks lined up, someone shoots one off the lake!! DH stopped in at city hall yesterday and it's gonna cost us $3600 for the BUILDING PERMIT! Er... HELLO?! I must be really new to this cuz how the hell do you justify charging $6 per sq. foot???? OI!!! And the contractor that called yesterday was estimating over the phone that he thought that it was going to end up costing $70,000 to build the addition. And that it could be interesting trying to hire a digger/concrete guy cuz everyone is so busy. He also can't start until October some time. SIGH. This is getting so frustrating and worse... expensive!!! If it keeps going this way, we may end up just saying to heck with it and buying a new house instead. At the rate things are going (again), we may end up having nothing of either way done until next year. Which sucks since I was really hoping for some more space and the babies to have separate rooms so they can learn to sleep in beds instead of cribs (no room for beds in their room!) and a rec room for the kids to play in during winter. Even if we go back to deciding to buy a new house, there's nothing available to buy that's big enough right now. Wrong time of year. Everyone gets posted in the Spring so all the houses are on sale then. BOOOOOooooooo... And we have to come up with all these plans/dimensions/drawings/pics for the city to look at before they agree to a building permit. Ummmm... didn't we already get approved with the other thing we had to pay and wait for? And if they decide they don't like our plans, why did we have to bother with the other thing? And what business is what my house looks like inside is it of theirs???? I beginning to think I'd just like to put the blankets over my head and just let someone tell me what we're doing when everyone else finishes the bullsh*t. Jeez, got any more hoops for me to do loop-de-loops thru? It's like insurance companies and used car salesmen. I hate hate HATE when I feel like I'm being played for the most money possible. Especially when I feel the money I'm paying in isn't being used for anything but lining their pockets and paying for their fancy cars and vacations.
I don't understand the politics, nor do I have the patience for this kind of nonsense. I've cut 'friends' out who play these mental games. Now I have to deal with moronic businesses and companies who are going to play similar mental games only with money involved too? Am I doomed to be surrounded by the corrupt forever???? No wonder I hate polititions and financial institutions and insurance companies and car salesmen. How can one think it's okay to bilk someone out of money for their own advancement or gain? Haven't they ever been on the recieving end of it? Don't they feel guilty? I know that I'm not the only sucker on the planet but it doesn't make me feel any better. I hate getting my hopes up and my excitement up only to have it dashed and destroyed. It takes so much for me to allow myself to hope and dream. I've been hurt and disappointed too many times before. I was really starting to believe that things would come together and that I'd have the freedom to create a really nice space for us. I think for my own sanity and preservation, I'd better cut that short. I'd better save it for when things are finalized. Dreaming has no place in reality.
ARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! This is driving me nuts! Every time I think we've got our ducks lined up, someone shoots one off the lake!! DH stopped in at city hall yesterday and it's gonna cost us $3600 for the BUILDING PERMIT! Er... HELLO?! I must be really new to this cuz how the hell do you justify charging $6 per sq. foot???? OI!!! And the contractor that called yesterday was estimating over the phone that he thought that it was going to end up costing $70,000 to build the addition. And that it could be interesting trying to hire a digger/concrete guy cuz everyone is so busy. He also can't start until October some time. SIGH. This is getting so frustrating and worse... expensive!!! If it keeps going this way, we may end up just saying to heck with it and buying a new house instead. At the rate things are going (again), we may end up having nothing of either way done until next year. Which sucks since I was really hoping for some more space and the babies to have separate rooms so they can learn to sleep in beds instead of cribs (no room for beds in their room!) and a rec room for the kids to play in during winter. Even if we go back to deciding to buy a new house, there's nothing available to buy that's big enough right now. Wrong time of year. Everyone gets posted in the Spring so all the houses are on sale then. BOOOOOooooooo... And we have to come up with all these plans/dimensions/drawings/pics for the city to look at before they agree to a building permit. Ummmm... didn't we already get approved with the other thing we had to pay and wait for? And if they decide they don't like our plans, why did we have to bother with the other thing? And what business is what my house looks like inside is it of theirs???? I beginning to think I'd just like to put the blankets over my head and just let someone tell me what we're doing when everyone else finishes the bullsh*t. Jeez, got any more hoops for me to do loop-de-loops thru? It's like insurance companies and used car salesmen. I hate hate HATE when I feel like I'm being played for the most money possible. Especially when I feel the money I'm paying in isn't being used for anything but lining their pockets and paying for their fancy cars and vacations.
I don't understand the politics, nor do I have the patience for this kind of nonsense. I've cut 'friends' out who play these mental games. Now I have to deal with moronic businesses and companies who are going to play similar mental games only with money involved too? Am I doomed to be surrounded by the corrupt forever???? No wonder I hate polititions and financial institutions and insurance companies and car salesmen. How can one think it's okay to bilk someone out of money for their own advancement or gain? Haven't they ever been on the recieving end of it? Don't they feel guilty? I know that I'm not the only sucker on the planet but it doesn't make me feel any better. I hate getting my hopes up and my excitement up only to have it dashed and destroyed. It takes so much for me to allow myself to hope and dream. I've been hurt and disappointed too many times before. I was really starting to believe that things would come together and that I'd have the freedom to create a really nice space for us. I think for my own sanity and preservation, I'd better cut that short. I'd better save it for when things are finalized. Dreaming has no place in reality.
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