More Stuff To Glean What I'm Like...

You Are Rain

You can be warm and sexy. Or cold and unwelcoming.Either way, you slowly bring out the beauty around you. You are best known for: your touch Your dominant state: changing

What Type of Weather Are You?

And I LOVE rain!

You Are Likely a Third Born

At your darkest moments, you feel vulnerable. At work and school, you do best when you're comparing things. When you love someone, you tend to like to please them. In friendship, you are loyal to one person. Your ideal careers are: sales, police officer, newspaper reporter, inventor, poet, and animal trainer. You will leave your mark on the world with inventions, poetry, and inspiration.

The Birth Order Predictor

I knew they'd get this wrong! The description is right but I'm the eldest child of three.

Your Power Color Is Teal

At Your Highest: You feel accomplished and optimistic about the future. At Your Lowest: You feel in a slump and lack creativity. In Love: You tend to be many people's ideal partner. How You're Attractive: You make people feel confident and accepted. Your Eternal Question: "What Impression Am I Giving?"

What's" Your Power Color?

Too true... :)

A Couple of Blog Quizes

You Are a Mermaid

You are a total daydreamer, and people tend to think you're flakier than you actually are. While your head is often in the clouds, you'll always come back to earth to help someone in need. Beyond being a caring person, you are also very intelligent and rational. You understand the connections of the universe better than almost anyone else.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

That's funny! One of my old "persona's" was a mermaid and I've always had a fascination with mermaids. Fav. fairy tale? The Little Mermaid!!

Your EQ is 140

50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick! 51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese. 71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely. 91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that. 111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt. 131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin. 150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.

What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?

This, too, isn't surprising. Any EQ tests I've ever done shows me in a very high catagory. Usually in the 1/1,000,000 catagory... :)

You Are An INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

What's Your Personality Type?

This is normal. Again, not surprising.

Your Love Number is 2

Of all the numbers, you are the most caring and empathetic lover. Unselfish and humble, you find it easy to forgive your sweetie's mistakes. At times, your need to please can be come a bit too needy. As long as you remain somewhat independent, your relationships are perfectly balanced.

What Is Your Love Number?

Movie Recommendation

I watched a movie with D. last night. I wasn't sure how it was going to be when I picked it up. If you're "overweight" or considered "fat", if you constantly hate yourself for your size, if you have been picked on for being the "fat girl" and your self esteem is a shadow, this is the movie for you. It is a journey of self discovery and self acceptance. Having been there and arrived at her end (minus the dream job goal) where she understands that to love someone else, you must first love yourself, I highly, HIGHLY recommend this movie. It's called PHAT Girlz, starring Mo'Nique. It made me laugh and it made me cry. I've been on both sides of the gate. And here's the new definition of PHAT --- Pretty, Hot, And Thick. Ah, to be loved for yourself...

From another PHAT girl to the other beautiful women of all sizes.

Bad Times

I have been having a very difficult time this last week. It is the time of year where I face bouts of anger and depression. I see signs of the coming fall and it upsets me. I have trouble sleeping and when I finally get to sleep, I have trouble waking. I'm bouncing back and forth between not being hungry (or can't be bothered to eat) and craving only comfort foods. I can't stand screaming and noise from the kids. Little things make me overly angry. I have no desire to do anything outside of sleeping or reading my books. I have no pride in my appearance or house or accomplishments. It's been eleven years this time and yet, every year, I am caught off-guard as to the strength of my emotions. I wonder why I am feeling this way and shocked by the intensity of my anger compared to the indifference of my other feelings. And then it hits me... This is when I was repeatedly raped by A. over a period of three to four weeks. This time, back eleven years ago, my life turned to hell for two weeks with a brief beginning period that for years I was unsure if I could consider one of the rapes. Unfortunately, that very first one is the rape that I remember the best. The one that haunts me the most. The one that turns my stomach and makes me want to throw up. And it was the one in which I had the least control over. If one could say that I had control over any of the other ones either. Strangely, I only recall certain pictures: the dark brown wood paneling in the half light of my room, the complete silence but for the blood pounding in my head, the door cracked open, my intense fear that J. should hear what was happening to me, the sound of J. leaving tearing my insides apart, the cold tears on my face when he finally left me alone, the curve of my body turning in on itself and hardness of my knees at my chest. Could he see that I was crying? Could he hear my silent sobs? Did he sense how sick I felt? Did it give him pleasure to see me cut down so low? Did it make him feel like a man to force me and degrade me? Did it ease his conscience to make sure I orgasmed? To this day, to be woken from a sound sleep by oral sex is to be thrown into sick confusion and to relive a nightmare. Then, after J. left me to my fate, again when I went "home" having nowhere else to go. Then he used guilt to manipulate me into "playing a game" with him. "I'm the master and you are my slave. You must obey me..." Forcing me to perform. And when it was over, I cried my heart out. He flew into a rage and grabbed me by the throat. He slammed my body against the wall, choking me. He told me that it I really wanted to die that I would allow myself to strangle to death by hanging. Self preservation kicked in (your body will not allow you to destroy it without a fight) and I stood up. I wanted to die. Really I did. I just wanted the pain to be over. His face mutated into a twisted monster's and he smashed his fist into the wall beside my head and dropped me to the floor. He began grabbing everything that was mine and throwing into my room. He finally snatched up Sylvia and I thought he was going to smash her glass aquarium to the floor and kill her. I panicked. I started screaming at him and cursing him. I swore that I'd kill him if he hurt her. I think he picked up the phone and called J. in the other province he'd been banished to. He told him that he hated me and never wanted to see me again. He called me all kinds of names and told J to come and get me. I don't remember anything after that. Then a few nights later, I awoke to A. stroking my hair and crying and talking "to himself". I was consumed with guilt and regret and pain. I opened the covers to him, intending just to comfort him. His face twisted evilly again and he said, "Don't cry this time. I don't want to remember you like that." I remember nothing but controlling my sickness and sadness and pain until he left. The I put my pillow over my head and ripped my heart out.

Four years later, I remembered what happened those last few weeks. I spiralled into depression. I locked myself in my house with my 2 and 3 yr old boys. I turned into a basketcase for nearly six months before I got medication from a doctor for depression. When my parents found out, my dad said it was my problem and I had to deal with it. My mom said that it couldn't be as bad as all that, after all, it was my husband. She said that sometimes people under stress do things that they wouldn't normally do. She said that I only see the bad things in life. She said that other people go through what I went through and they're fine. She said that, under the circumstances, I couldn't expect anything better than what I deserved. I was devestated but not surprised. I hated her. I didn't want to admit it then but I did. I don't hate her now but I don't exactly like her much either. Her emotional abuse is what helped me be with a man who abused me and raped me because I didn't feel that I deserved any better and I didn't have enough self esteem to believe that I was a person in my own right who could live and be happy on her own.

J. returned to pick me up and take me back to my "home"town (where my family lives) on September 15th, 1995. I finished my last day on the job at 11PM, went back to my house to gather what I could fit in a backpack. At 11.30PM, I said goodbye to my life, my husband, my cats rabbits chinchillas tarantula mice, my car, my motocycle, and walked out into the darkness and away. It was a clear, starless night. The tip of fall. The night was still warm but the decay of leaves was in the air. The echo of my footsteps made me nervous. I was afraid he might follow me and hurt me again. I ducked into an alley and took an awkward path to my rendevous of escape just to be sure.

So, every year, about this time, when the leaves start turning yellow and the wind starts blowing from the north, I become angry and depressed. I don't mean to. I don't conciously think, hey, wouldn't it be fun to have no joy in life? Wouldn't it be fun to cut myself off from everyone and everything for a few weeks and be miserable? Wouldn't it be fun to yell at my kids and lose myself continually in a fantasy world of books? Wouldn't it be fun to be frustrated by the simplest of things? Most times, it creeps up and partway into the first or second week I think, what's wrong with me? Why am I acting so strangely? And then it all comes back and I realize that somewhere inside me are the memories that still haunt me. My body still remembers, even if my mind can't. So I wait for Sept. 15th and the relief from the bodily memories it contains. Two weeks to go. And since the babies are in bed for a nap, off I go to find the same free dreamlessness that they have...

Tony Stewart Quote

"If it works for you, do it. If its how you feel, act it. Just be yourself, and if being yourself means you're being cocky once in a while, have at it."

Tony Stewart,#20 Home Depot Car, Nextel Cup Winner, 2005

Responsibility

I'm tired of being responsible.

As I've mentioned before, I've been married twice and both times the men were financially irresponsible. A spent most of the three years we were together, letting me work and pay for everything while he went to school or slacked off. There was a time near the end when I was working three jobs and he was getting fired from one while having an affair at the same time. When I left, he had maxed out all the credit cards (all in his name, as I had no credit being young) and owed $13,000 in education funds. He flunked his automotive course for not being in class often enough. He spent more time skipping with his dad. Or watching too many movies so was "too tired" to get up. After I left, he harrassed me about paying some of the debt and, because I left, I felt guilty enough to pay him money. I paid for our divorce, gave him funds when he asked for them and paid off a $600 credit card. I took nothing of 'ours' when I left. I started again with nothing. I barely left with my sanity - certainly not my innocence of people nor my orginal sexuality. He took a lot more than my money.

Then I spent nine years with the next husband. We lived in a 1930's house on a rotting farm, then get a loan (from a "friend") for $30,000 on two decrepit trailers (from this "friend") to live beside his family who took over the house. We got a $25,000 Line Of Credit to pay off the credit debt and car. I wanted to cut up all the cards but one but he refused. When I left, again I took nothing except my car and my piano (and my kids, of course). Orginally, the deal was that he would not pay child support and instead pay off the debts. I had the kids for a week then he'd have them for a week so that I could work to support myself and them. I started to get annoyed with that cuz I would have them for a week (taking the week off during the summer) and then he'd take them to his mother's for free babysitting while he went to work, half the time not even coming home to spend time with them but hanging out with his new girlfriend and getting drunk. When I got pregnant and was home anyways, I decided to take them full time. Eventually, he moved one of the trailers and another dumpy one into town to live in a trailer court. He bought himself a new 2003 Mustang to drive around town in. So he now has rent, power, water, car payment, insurance, LOC, and cards to pay. The kids spend weekends at his house. At first, he has no power. Can't afford it and it gets cut off (in the middle of winter!!). Then his pipes freeze and he has to tear up the floor so a plumber can replumb the lines. Then he misses a couple of car payments. Ford starts yelling at him so he drives it up to the lot and leaves it there. Then he misses the rent a few times. "Friend" takes back the trailers, giving him nothing and telling him that he's lucky he doesn't charge him another $1500 or so for taking it back. ("Friend" has subsequiently sold those trailers for around $45 - 50,000.) He emptied out the trailers by throwing most of the stuff in it into the back of a pickup and taking it to the dump. (No selling here!) He moves into a 2 rm apartment a couple of blocks down from us. So now he has rent, power, LOC, and cards. Oh and his cel phone. Then last Sept. I get a phone call from my soon-to-be-ex-mother-in-law. She says, "The bank has been phoning and phoning here and asking for you. You'd better call them and straighten this out." I think, what?!?!?! I call and the woman on the other line chews me a new one, even though I tell her that I haven't been with J for a year and a half and I've got new twin babies and not working. She doesn't care cuz she's been calling for months. I apologize, telling her I had no idea and the circumstances of our breakup (he's supposed to be paying). She says she'll call him and I warn her that he won't answer or return her calls. This is nothing new, as I had to deal with this for the 9 yrs I was with him. So for the next four months, I recieve nasty phone calls from the bank (until I review the story with them and they look at their computer info - uh hello?). Finally, I ask them if they've got his new address. They give me the one from two moves ago along with his mom's phone number. I tell them he's moved and give them the new info. Oh, we can't use that unless he tells us he's moved. Uh, what? You think he's gonna phone you and tell you that he's moved so you can phone and harrass him??? Finally, after the third time of me telling them this and them marking it on the computer, I get a guy who's smart enough to make sure that they send their threatening letters to his old address AND his new one. Finally, J has to read the nasty letters that I've been getting for months and passing on to him, along with the phone calls that he never answers. Right before Christmas, I'm told that if I/we don't start paying, they'll take us to court. I immediately sit down with J and tell him that he has until I recieve a letter stating they're taking me to court to get in touch and start paying or I file for back child support when I finish up the divorce papers. He calls and tells them that he can send $80 and they laugh at him. So he hangs up and hasn't contacted them since. When I recieved the letter, I filed my divorce papers (I didn't sue for back support - I figured, can't get blood from a stone) and filed for child support. (Guess who pays for the $1500 divorce? ME!) I call the credit company and work out a deal with them to start paying with the child support money. I'm getting enough from family check and child support to pay $600 a month. I've been paying since Febuary. Along comes this year's family check. Yikes!! It's been cut $604 cuz now I'm common-law with D. I can no longer afford to pay $600 a month. Every month, I call and leave a message with the conformation number and the amount I've paid. I've been keeping tabs and so far I've paid $3,380. And J has paid... NONE. I ask if they've still been phoning him. Oh, yes, they say. I don't believe them. Then one day I ask again and Freida says, "Holy cow, you weren't kidding about him never answering the phone! I've been phoning every few days for another debt he owes us for and he never answers and never calls back!!" Do you think she's been phoning him like she's been telling me? I don't. That pisses me off. BTW, the debt has turned out to be $26,137.68 because he didn't pay it for six months. So I still have just over $23,000 left. Technically, I am only responsible for $13,000 of it but legally, cuz my john hancock is on the paperwork as a co-signer, I am responsible for ALL OF IT. I've been told that the only way I can get out of that is by sueing J for the other half. Do I have time for this? Or funds for this? I am raising four children and only D is working. Thank God he has a great job!!!

So, I want to know what he spends his money on every month. He gets at least $2400/month from his paychecks. So let's say Rent:$600 (BTW, he now has a roommate so it's more like half that!) Power:$80 Child Support:$600 Phone: $50 Credit Cards:$150 (which it doesn't sound like he's paying either) - That leaves $920 for food and other stuff. Someone tell me why he can't afford a car or to pay the LOC or his other bills? He has to feed himself mostly and 6 meals with the two kids (that'd be a box of cereal, some bread/fruit/snacks and something for dinner twice) per week. We feed SIX people for FIVE days and four people for the other two. We also pay for all their clothes, toys, school supplies/activities and whatever else they want/need.

I was going to just hope that I got enough of a settlement from the car accident to pay this off. I hate having it hanging over my head. But, I was watching Judge Judy yesterday. There was some young woman sueing for $500 for a bill. JJ said, "When you're older, you'll understand that $500 is nothing. It's an oops, I guess I'd better learn from it." Yah, I did that oops back with A. Did I learn from it? Apparently not. Here I sit, spewing about paying for an entire debt of thousands of dollars that is only half mine. I am toying with the idea of filing for bankruptcy when my half is paid. My credit is already screwed from this. Problem: If I get my settlement and it is enough to pay the entire amount, I probably will be ineligable to file. I want to use what I get as a settlement to help pay for our addition loan - another $70,000 on our mortgage. I shouldn't have to take away from us and our future to pay for the past of which I am not even responsible for! How do I make J be a man and pay up without sueing him? Now you see my dilemma.

I'm tired of being responsible.

Car Accident

I'm finally feeling like my hip is back into place. I made the mistake of going for a walk on Monday to the library and back. I am usually in pain by the time I get home (it's about 3Kms all together). However, without Darren here to make dinner and let me take it easy, I put extra strain and wear/tear on it looking after things. Believe me, I've been paying for it that night and yesterday! It's been almost two years since the accident and it seems like things aren't getting better. Here's the story:

When I was first pregnant with the twins, I decided that I wouldn't deliver in this small town. We didn't know that there were twins at that point but when people tell me I can't have an epidural or pain drugs like demerol cuz it might the wrong time of day or a weekend, I don't want to have a baby with them!! If you can't do something simple like that, I'd hate to have something bad happen to the baby and there not be the equipment available to help! (My second son was premature with the preemie lung disease. He almost died and that was in a major city!) Anyhoo, I finally found a Doctor who would accept my idiosycrasies and rules about things (I had a list of do's and do not's) in the city, which is about 4.5 hrs away from here. My first appointment went well. We decided to eat (well, okay, not me really) before we headed for home. Darren was driving my car, as I had been VERY sick both with morning sickness and the added acid reflux that had made me throw up so badly I burst a blood vessel in my eye. We were travelling on a main road, right of way, at the posted speed, when from a side road, without warning, a small truck decided to turn left in front of us from a stopsign. I remember seeing a flash of white and Darren hitting the brakes and wrenching the wheel. The was a screech and crush of metal and the pop of the exploding airbags. I had been lying on my side with the seat back, still feeling sick when it happened. The airbag missed me but the force of the hit threw my body forward and pulled my hip and back wrong. By the time Darren fought his way free of his airbag and kicked open the driver's door to get out to help me away, the driver of the truck had run off down the street. The passenger stayed (probably cuz he couldn't run as fast with his bum leg) and gave his information plus that of the driver. Apparently, the truck had been stolen that morning from our town! The driver and passenger were both from the Matis settlement just outside of town, although, the passenger said he'd 'just' met him that day at the same job interview and was 'only hitching a ride' with him. It took the city cop two hours to arrive at the scene (making the ambulance have to wait around all that time!). Some people who had witnessed the accident from their store had taken me back with them and gotten me set up to wait. The cop didn't even talk to me. The ambulance crew checked me out but, as there wasn't anything for soft tissue that they could do, they told me either I could go wait at the hospital or stay there. I opted for staying there since I didn't know what or how we were going to get home 4.5 hours away. I've only ever had one other accident and that was hitting a deer the summer before. Well, we ended up catching a Greyhound home (one of the MOST uncomfortable, horrible rides home, I've ever had!!!). I went to a doctor in town the next day to make sure the baby was okay (still didn't know there were two) and to the chiropractor to try and fix my hip. We went to the lawyer's office to find out our options (stolen vehicle, accident elsewhere, lousy bastards for insurance company {don't EVER go with Peace Hills Insurance!!} , injuries, etc). Almost two years later, my hip is still screwed up (I don't think it's ever going to get better), the perpetrator still hasn't been caught (amazing since he left his resume on the front seat!!!!!!!), and the cop 'lost' all of the accident information and stuff (which we have NO COPIES OF!)including the phone number and address of the witness behind the truck! We are in the process of doing the legal thing but who knows how long that will take. Personally, I think the cop went: "Out of city vehicles both of them, not my problem, don't care... Whooooops!" out the window of his police car. Thanks very much for the incompetence. So here I sit, with a bum hip and a hampered ability to function, while the thief (who Darren is gonna beat the crap out of if he ever sees him) still runs around without worry. BTW, when we mentioned his name to the lawyer, he said, "Oh, THAT guy."

Well, enough of that. I have two smelly, tired babies to change and put down for naps.

John Ringo

I just finished There Will Be Dragons by John Ringo and I must say that I really enjoyed it!! It made me laugh and not cry, but definately, I could relate to how he explained some of the after-effects of rape. The training and battle were very descriptive and, even though I haven't really any real knowledge of military tactics, seemed very realistic to me. It felt like a combination of sci-fi and fantasy and it hooked me very quickly. I can't wait to start the second book in the series!! I'd recommend this book to anyone. I have read and I own many, many books and this is one of the better ones I've read in quite a while. I'm on to the next book - I have quite a large pile of ones I've just bought that I have to read. Unfortunately, I have a library book I have to read first before I start Emerald Sea. However, the characters in this series are so memorable, I doubt I'll have any trouble falling right into the book as soon as I open it. If you want a great, action packed read, find this book from John Ringo. I look forward to finding more of his work to read eventually.

Thinking

As I was returning the movies I had rented last week, I drove past a sign telling of a garage sale at the Baptist Church. I got to thinking, as I drove, about how the last time I saw the pastor (P)at my old church, he gave me an order about coming back. Since I didn't "obey", he hasn't spoken to me and virtually avoided me whenever possible. Not that I have a problem with that. I'm perfectly happy that he doesn't try to play nicey-nice with me in a forced, false friendliness. I just wonder why he believes I don't attend. Perhaps I should explain...

I come from a traditional Baptist home, born and raised. It was a very patriarchal home even though it was my mother who wore the pants in the family. I was emotionally abused, mostly by my mother, and for as long as I can remember, I've had pretty much zero self-esteem. I didn't realize (or even suspect!) that I had been emotionally abused until I was 32 years old. All my adult life, I have been attracted to men who are losers. Can't keep jobs, financially inept, can't function properly socially, were abused as kids, controlling, self depreciating, usually emotionally and sometimes verbally/physically abusive. I would find someone who would give me the pathetic, sob story of their miserable childhoods and I would have a purpose. A meaning. A self worth. I could fix this person by loving them when no one else would. I'd love them so much and so hard that they'd become a better person. I would become obssessed with them and call it "love". I would do anything and everything for them - anything to make them happy. If they weren't happy, I was miserable cuz I was failing as a wife. I would lose myself, camaflage myself, become a chameleon, adept at hiding my wants and needs since childhood. I have become so many different "people" that I lost myself. I didn't know who I was or what I even liked or wanted or needed! Kind of like the "Runaway Bride" movie. With my first marriage, I ended up with a man (A) who controlled me, used me, abused me, cheated on me. I was too weak to leave him after he cheated. Four months later when I "fell in love" with our best friend (J), he found out and threw me out. After the J's mother told him to leave town and have nothing to do with me again, I went back to A and spent two weeks in hell before J "rescued" me and took me back "home" to my parent's world. I ended up getting pregnant and marrying J. We had two children and the cycle started all over. We were good together but I cut pieces of myself out that he didn't approve of. I "couldn't live without him" and every now and then, he'd disappear to see if I noticed, which scared me to death. I had an extreme fear of being left alone by someone. I still had no self worth. We spent 9 years together before another man came along and gave me his terrible sob story and I "fell in love" with him. At that time, I was a huge part of "my" church. I was the pianist and a singer on the worship team, I had a band in which I played guitar and sang lead, I was an actress - for the first time doing what I should have been doing for many years!, I volunteered for almost everything that the church did, I was part of the "inner circle". I was close to P, in a father figure manner. I helped build my friend's (D) new business building and move her into it. I was part of her bible study and she was the first friend I made when I came to this town. The church and my friends there were my whole existance. Besides J, that is. Then I was doing a play with L. We started getting really close - as characters and as friends. I began to change myself again to fit his role. He told me how unhappy he was in his marriage, how abusive his wife was, how horrible his childhood had been, how he hated work and the people there "spied" on him. I did my usual. I "fell in love with him". I was tormented by the relationship. I told J that I was having feelings for L and he said, uh huh. I confided in D about my struggles and my feelings and the torture I was in. I thought that I could trust her. She confided in me about her struggles with feelings for someone else too. I thought I could trust her. After the play was over, I feel into a depression. Within a few days, D told P that I was ruining my and L's marriage. P told me that I could no longer be a part of the drama (he may as well have cut off my arms and legs, I'd have been happier), sing with worship team, have my band, be a part of anything that the "public might see". He told my drama leader that anyone else in town could addition for the next play except me. He began preaching sermons about adultery and using me (minus my name) as an example. Between P and D, they told pretty much 1/2 the church what had happened. So it didn't matter if he used my name or not, most people knew exactly who he was talking about. Anyways, in the course of my attachment to L, he gave me a whole lot of information about emotional abuse. After doing a survey of 50 Questions of yes or no answers to things that tell you whether you've been emotionally abused and answering 45 of the 50 with "yes", I finally understood why I was attracted to "bad" men. How I could end up in an abusive first marriage. Why I had no self esteem and no self worth. How I could profess to "love" someone so much as to die without them and then be able to feel the same about someone else. Why I was filled with self doubt and self hatred. Why I had no physical or mental boundries. I gave up going to church when I came out feeling like I had been beaten with a stick every week. I stopped having anything to do with any of those people. I had started going out singing karaoke to get my "performance high". I met some guys who became my friends. Darren and I (the man I'm with now) became very close right from the start. We are excellent friends. There wasn't anything between us except friendship at the start. But L was insanely jealous. INSANELY jealous. He would berate me and call me down and make me feel horrible about Darren. He started to make me cry anytime I talked to him. He made me feel like a whore. I spent more and more time with Darren as L frightened me more and more. Finally, I broke up with him and he went crazy. He started phoning me all the time and leaving messages. He would drive past my house a million times (I was just moving into my own apartment) and my work a million times. I was terrified to be alone. He showed up at my work one day just before I got off. One of my friends had come to visit and told me that he'd seen him waiting out by my car. I nearly fainted, I was so scared. My friend called Darren who came immediately to help. I waited inside while Darren confronted L and told him that he'd beat the shit out of him if he didn't leave me alone. I ended up moving in with Darren and things progressed. We orginally became friends with benefits but then I got pregnant. Darren was estatic! I was thrilled too but a little afraid of what my parents would say. Pretty sad that a 32 yr old woman would be afraid to tell her parents she was pregnant like she was some errant teenager. We've been together and happily since. Our relationship is like nothing I've ever had before. And more importantly, I've learned to love myself for all my quirks and follies. I have self esteem. I can love someone else because I have learned to love ME.

Back to P and the rest of them. Today I wondered what they think the "why" is. I'm betting that it's that they think I am ashamed cuz I'm "living in sin" and that I am to embarrassed to be around them. Probably that I'll have to shape up and "get right with God" and apologize to all of them for causing so much trouble. You wanna know the real reason? Because I don't trust them. Not a single one of them. They gossip and backstab. P used me as sermon fodder. Of all my "friends" there, only ONE of them attempted to figure out why I would turn my life upside down and empathized with me. Everyone else was too busy casting me out and condemning me. Sadly, I don't trust many people anymore. I have a few friends. We occasionally attend the Lutheran church (Darren was brought up Lutheran) but I find I spend more time concerned with what anyone who talks to me wants from me. I Don't Trust Anyone. I am not ashamed of who I am. I am not ashamed of the life I live. I am not ashamed to be seen with Darren and my kids. I don't care what any of them thinks. But I let very few people in close enough to hurt me these days. There is a vast gulf between me and most other people. Oh, I have people talk to me about their secrets. They somehow seem to know that I am absolutely trustworthy with others secrets (even when they destroy mine. I never told anyone about D's secret.) and, sometimes even when I hardly know them, I find them telling me deep things that they don't tell anyone else. The only one who hears my secrets is Darren - and my notepad. And pretty much the only person I truly trust with almost everything is Darren. But I still don't trust anyone else. Interesting how I can blog this for anyone to read and judge me. I don't care... feel free. :) Either you love me or you hate me - kinda like Sambuca... lol

ARGH!

Already the kids are driving me nuts today!!! Argh argh argh! Sheesh! We had to go shopping for groceries - always a challenge with the twins. I need two carts so I can carry babies and groceries. Usually I do it when DH is home so that I don't have to try and push/pull both through the crowded Walmart. As you know from the initial post, DH is away for a couple of weeks. So I have to take the boys to help. No problem! They're both gung-ho and ready to go. Sort of. I have to tell them to get dressed about five times already. Yah, but they've got their allowance and they wanna spend it NOW!!! So I get the babies changed, dressed, and myself ready to go. Oops, they're teething, better give them some Tylonol so they aren't howling the whole time we're out. "James, grab Leith and bring him here so I can give him some medicine," as I give Katie hers. Give him medicine and out the door we go. We get to Walmsrt and Jamie is carrying Leith into Walmart to put him in a cart. I put Katie in and hurry over since he's having trouble putting him in. PHEW! What is that SMELL?! Leith has smelly pants and no one bothered to tell me as we headed out the door. Too excited to spend their money... DHOH! I didn't bring the diaper bag cuz we're only gonna be a little while and it's a pain to carry it. "Why didn't you tell me before we left???" I ask the boys. "Uhhh... I dunno. We never thought about it." Huh???? Hmmm... isn't that, like, common sense? Siiiiiigh. Perhaps that's just the last straw in a line of talking to a couple of brick walls today (at least that's what it feels like sometimes!!). I can certainly tell that it's Friday and time to go to Dad's house!! I should get them to phone him so Jamie can get him to come over and fix his bike chain. My x-husband doesn't have a car anymore so they have to ride or walk everywhere. Apparently, even though he only has to look after himself and has a decent paying job ( a heck of a lot more than I make!!! Even when working outside of home!), he can't pay his bills or keep a car or house. That's another story. I'm sure I'll be ranting about that one soon. Same old same old. Anyhoo, the boys go to Dad's tonight when he gets off work. It actually makes me appreciate them more throughout the week cuz I get a break from them. However, Fridays are cleanup days when the boys have to do their chores so they can have their allowance. Cool, right? Sure but how come I have to say EVERYTHING 20 times before they listen enough to do them? Typical kids, I know. Selective hearing, kinda like the x. LOL I guess it's cuz they're excited to go to Dad's. They get to watch movies (ones I don't always approve of - would you let your 8 year old watch Alien VS Predator or weird, too sexual anime movies???) and play video games for hours and hours. The apartment is a disgusting, filthy sty and they don't have to do any chores. Easy living, ya know. So, it'll be me and the twins for the weekend. Mmmm... Watkins Glen on Sunday. Don't really like the road courses but oh well. What I wouldn't do to go see a live NASCAR race... O_o Rock on, Smoke!!!

August 11, 2006.

So here is my first blog writing ever. Perhaps I should have done something like this ages ago! I guess that all depends on if I care who reads this. I won't write long on this first one. I just want to get it all set up and then I can spew my guts when I need to or want to.
Today is day 5 of DH being away in Ontario for three weeks. Am I happy about that? Well, honestly, it's okay. I do feel a little jealous sometimes that he gets such a break away from the kids and the ability to have fun without having to get a babysitter. However, he makes it all okay when he comes home and send me out to have some fun of my own. Maybe sometime I'll get to go on a vacation of my own. Kind of a scary thought. I have to fight the idea that I'm not "mature" enough to take care of myself. Silly, I know. Programming from childhood. Today we won't go into that but I will sometime, I'm sure. I've just put down the babies for a nap so I'm going to head there myself as well. How to know you're getting on in years: You need a nap when the kids have one... ehehhehehe... Be back soon!